Well, I've been cheated on. How about you?

The BBQ Pit
21

Despite what this thread is making me out to look like, I really am an excellent guy (although you’re right about being a little arrogant sometimes, just like I’m being now). I don’t act on revenge. I never have, and I never will. I wasn’t “threatening” him, I was basically saying “your wife is my friend and I feel she needs to know. I’d rather she hear it from you, so you have a week to do this. If you don’t, then I’m going to.”

I did what I felt was the right thing in the situation, not to punish anyone. I found out on my own, alone, sneaking into my girlfriend’s email and already feeling guilty about my behavior. It was possibly the worst way in the world to find out what happened. I wanted to spare her the same fate and let her hear it from the mouth of her husband, which is a luxury I didn’t get to have.

I used to never understand people who would say something like “I’ll only stay with my spouse if they cheat if they confess to it, rather than if I find out on my own”. To me, it always seemed like… cheating is cheating, so what? Well, once you’re in the situation, it’s completely different.

Hearing it from her would have been so much better. She could have shown some remorse for her actions rather than just be defensive when I call her on what I already know. I felt like I “caught” her, rather than her stopping only because she felt bad about what she’d done to me and Buddy’s wife. If she would have confessed rather than be caught… things would have been better between us.

So I made the call. I figured forcing him to confess is still better than her figuring it out on her own or me telling her first.

Honestly, people, I’m a good guy. A nice guy. I try to always do the right thing, even if this thread implies otherwise. From knowing Buddy’s wife for a decade and being good friends with her, this was my judgement call to make and I did what I felt was the right thing, not to punish anyone or act on revenge.

Putting the logging software on her computer was a mistake, obviously, and I confessed and tried to right that wrong. True that it’s still installed, but it’s such a non-issue at this point that it doesn’t matter anyway.

22

Well, I for one, don’t want to kick you. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this.

23

As wasson is friends with both, he’s really in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. I think he made the right choice - better sooner than later. But that, like this forum, is only IMHO.

24

I love how Miss Pwecious can’t really do wrong in your eyes-- after all! She (the sweet, delicate flower) was manipulated by your big meanie jerk of a friend (further exhibited by the fact that you cut ties with the friend, but kept the princess around). Puh-leeze. You said this wasn’t her first instance of cheating (or being in a relationship where cheating was involved).

Sorry, buddy: you’re dating a hoe. You knew going in that you were dating a hoe, yet you make every excuse for her behavior which she clearly has no intention of changing. So now you can do one of two things:

[ol]
[li]Stay with her and STFU. Knock of the controlling bull, knock off the woe-is-me bull, and accept the terms you’ve gotten yourself into. You know damn well she wont be faithful and that you can’t trust her, so if you want to stay with her- learn to be ok with that.[/li][li]Dump the hoe and move on. If you can’t do the above, you have no choice but to move on. She’s happy how she is. Didn’t anyone every tell you that you CAN’T change your SO? [/li][/ol]

I’ve actually never been cheated on. I’ve had a boyfriend or two that was stupid enough to try to talk to other girls (in a more than flirty manner), but they were done away with as soon as I found out. I am better than that crap. I don’t have to tolerate a boyfriend who can’t keep his dick in his pants (or can’t keep his mouth shut when it comes to talking about putting his dick in some girl other than me). It’s amazing how far a little self worth will take you.

25

re: #4

…Well… this relationship is going to work just fine…

26

Oh, Jesus Christ. I think I’ve been pretty thorough, honest, and rational in my responses. I’ve taken more than a little criticism for something I did while dealing with a huge betrayal in my life. This isn’t and wasn’t meant to be a “woe is me” story, or even ask for advice on what I’ve done right or wrong. It was to hear your stories. At this point, your ridiculous judgments about me and my girlfriend are wearing thin.

I went through something I’ve never been through before and I handled it as well as I could have handled it.

puh-leeze yourself. Of course my Miss Pwecious did wrong. Of course. What have I said that leave you to believe she didn’t do anything wrong? But yes, because I know the whole story and the dynamics of all our relationships, I feel Buddy was more in the wrong. And so what? Why does that bother you so much? I know much more about the situation than you do, so why the harsh, unrequested judging?

Actually, most of my actions are so I can see if she actually does intend to change. You’re right… if she has no intention of changing, then I need to leave and quickly. So I installed a logging program and looked at some phone bills to see if she’s kept her promise to never talk to Buddy again. And again, why does this effect you enough to be so harsh to me? Seems kinda dumb to me.

I intend to stay with her and STFU. I thought I made that clear in my original post. Ya know, the one where I said I didn’t want advice but instead wanted to hear a few stories about either cheating or being cheated on. I’m not trying to control her in any way, but you’re right that I spent some time checking up on her, perhaps a little too frequently. And so what? Are you saying that was unreasonable after being betrayed by 2 of the most important people in my life? If so, then we’ve got different ideas of “reasonable”. It’s not like I beat the shit of either of them or keyed his car or slashed his tires… I just did some checking to make sure she was being honest with me.

I used to think I was better too. I’m glad you’ve never had to go through this. Fingers crossed that you don’t have to. From going through this myself, I know I’m capable of being more reasonable and rational than I thought I was. I learned I can forgive and forget more readily than most people. I learned I can stick with someone who cheated on me and still regain some of that trust back. Before this, I always said I’d leave if I got cheated on. Things change and all that, ya know?

But still, my advice to you after reading all yours to mine is for you to stop being so judgmental about situations you know very little about with people you know nothing about when your input isn’t requested your appreciated. Judging so harshly can’t be healthy or keep you happy.

27

I gotta tell you I don’t think this will end well.

Right now, do you trust her?

If the answer is no, then you should probably end this and walk away from the heartbreak, the jealousy, the wondering if she is really out with her friends like the she says she is or is she out with ex-buddy and save yourself a few months of slow agony.

28

I don’t trust her 100% yet, but I do trust her something like 88% maybe. And it’s growing. In the interim of the cheating and me finding out about it, she really was going out of her way to make things better between the 2 of us. I saw it, and after the fact it made even more sense. Since the cheating and the part where I found out about it and still stuck around, she’s all of the sudden way more secure in our relationship, which is making things even better still.

But yes, she’s aware that I’m weird and insecure when she’s out with her friends and I’m at home watching TV. But she’s even going out of her way to check in on me while she’s out, and stop by my house on her way home. She’s really trying. Hopefully the know-it-all above is wrong and she does intend to change.

It’s already been a few months of slow agony, and things are really improving now. Like I said in the original post, I plan on staying. That’s not a debate. I was just looking for other people’s stories like mine, about how they handled it or the effect it had on their relationship or yadda yadda, etc.

29

Please take this from a former serial cheater: in my experience, and that of other people I’ve known, cheaters never stop cheating unless, and until, the root cause is addressed. Unless you think the root issue was “insufficient surveillance of her communications,” it doesn’t sound to me like much has been solved here. Again, this is my experience and my opinion, but shame, guilt and fear of getting caught again only last for so long.

She’ll break your fucking heart again, man. :frowning:

30

In defense of** wasson**:
I can’t address the fact that you told his wife-I honestly don’t know what I would do in that circumstance.

However, I understand why you installed the spy software-the combination of pain and fear and the need to ‘know’ one way or the either.
You* really really * want to trust again but you’re so afraid of being hurt.

Last summer, I discovered that my husband had been chatting with other women for about a year online and had gone so far as to email one about meeting for lunch.
Admittedly, he also told her that he was ‘happily and proudly married’ and not looking for anything but a platonic friendship (except in fantasy) but it shattered my world because he was my best friend and I truly thought we had no secrets from each other.
I would have staked my life on it, in fact.
I didn’t snoop either-remember I totally trusted him.

He stupidly used my email account to send her a message when his account screwed up and she replied to my address-twice.
It didn’t help that he lied about the whole situation when I confronted him.
I understand why he lied-he felt guilty and ashamed but understanding something doesn’t necessary assuage your fear or hurt.
And I won’t deny that I snooped in his PC right after it happened.
He was doing everything in his power to restore my faith but a nasty little voice in my head kept shouting "Sure, he lied and hid that from you so why do you believe him now?’
I felt absolutely horrible when I did it but I did it just the same.
I never went so far as to install any software on his computer but I did check his Internet files etc.
I’ve stopped because I realized that I had to make the leap of faith and trust him or get out.
I’ve finally managed to put a muzzle on that stupid nasal chant I was hearing constantly but it’s been well over a year and I still wonder sometimes.
That’s the really shitty thing about being blindsided by someone you love-once that trust is shattered it’s never just quite the same.
Doesn’t mean that the relationship can’t actually get better and even closer in many ways but you lose an innocence about your partner.

31

Well, what the fuck did you expect to happen? You had thought about going out with a cheater, you get cheated on, and you’re still with her? Hello? No shit a bunch of people are gonna think you’re acting a bit dumb there. And yes, putting tracking/logging software on someone’s computer is a shitty thing to do. If you trusted her, you wouldn’t have done that, and if you didn’t trust her that much, you should’ve broken up with her.

Don’t like that people are “judging you”? Then don’t post your damn story online where people can reply to it.

32

I was going to point this out when he said he was running short on friends “for some reason”. No one wants to be around to watch their friends go down in flames, and everyone can see it coming a mile away except the idiot it’s happening to. They’re probably friends with the pregnant couple as well, so I’m sure it’s an uncomfortable situation for all involved.

[Heath Ledger]“What is it with this chick? She got beer flavored nipples or something?”[/hl]

33

This just needed to be said again.

34

Your biggest mistake was to take the story to the SDMB. As wonderful as the Dope is in most circumstances, in affairs of the heart the majority of posters (or at least the vocal minority) inevitably come off as sanctimonious prigs. C’est l’amour, I suppose.

I see nothing morally wrong with the logging software now that you’ve come clean (and assuming you remain so). Unlike most people who spy out of irrational insecurity, you’ve got legitimate reasons to be suspicious, and if this helps you rebuild trust, AND she’s cool with it, that’s fine. I think QuickSilver raises an important point in that I don’t think this is really effective; if she wants to beat it, she can beat it, and then you’re in an even worse situation because you think you’re secure and you’re not. But I don’t say it’s inevitable that will happen.

The last time anyone cheated on me (to the best of my knowledge) was in high school, when my girlfriend, primarily out of guilt I think, continued occasionally seeing the guy I’d stolen her from. I confronted her, she stopped, and everything was hunky-dory for the rest of our relationship, until I dumped her for unrelated reasons. So, as lame as that story is, know that at least sometimes a cheating leopard changes her spots if she really wants to – and if she knows that you’re willing to cut bait if she continues catting around. (Yes, I used three separate animal metaphors in that sentence!)

More substantiallly, my cousin Sue left her husband and began divorce proceedings when she found out he’d cheated on her. For reasons unexplained to the then elementary-age Cliffy, they got back together a year later and for the past two decades he’s walked the straight and narrow without incident.

So, I guess my advice, such as it’s worth, is be on your guard, and let her know (without being a prick about it) that you’re not going to take such shit in stride ever again, but if she’s willing, and if you can bring yourself to start trusting her, you might have a chance to laugh about all this someday. (At a party many years ago, Sue guffawed as loud as anyone when her sister mentioned Sue and her husband had been together “x years, with time off for good, uh, bad behavior.”)

Finally, I’m also backing you up on the telling of the wife. There’s nothing arrogant about that – the rule is that if I find out you cheat, you tell her or I’ll tell her. Everybody knows that’s the rule. And the victim needs to know that her husband is a cheater – because then she can decide to give it another shot as wasson is, or she can decide that she’s not taking his shit any longer. Let’s not forget that all medical advances aside, sex can still = death some times. Dung Beetle would apparently consign the wife to rolling those dice without even knowing about it. I would not.

(See? I can be just as sanctimonious too!)

–Cliffy

35

This is the part of your story that worries me. It would be hard for me to trust someone who cheated in response to an argument. For one thing, it’s going to color all your future conflicts. Part of having a healthy relationship is being able to have arguments without having to worry about the other person responding inappropriately (cheating, hitting, whatever). Also, will you be able to fully trust her years down the road, when things are more comfortable and routine between you two?

I know you’ve made up your mind to stay, but I think you should at least think about if you’ll still be able to trust her when things aren’t as good between you two as they are now, when she’s not feeling guilty and trying hard to atone. If you don’t think you can, I’d end it sooner rather than later and spare you both a lot of pain.

36

I’ve never been cheated on by any of my girlfriends or wife. Sometimes I wish the wife would be more flirtatious. Secretly, it might turn me on. Alas, I’ll never know the feeling.

37

Um…why?
I don’t think it’s arrogant, either, but I do think it’s hurtful. Holy crap, the woman was due to give birth in a week! Didn’t she have enough to be worrying about? No, we need to make sure right away that she knows this man she’s having a child with has cheated on her. If we don’t tell her right away, she might do something foolish and go ahead and have the baby!
Does she need to know he cheats? Yes, probably. But I think his timing sucked, and I think it was more of a way to punish his buddy than it was to help his friend that was cheated on.

38

Wasson.

I think that you do have a chance. Most people have come out against you, and strongly, for one reason or another. I don’t think I agree with them. Let’s see, now:

Telling the wife. You had to, I think. If you both were friends and she finds out on her own that her husband was sleeping with your girlfriend and you knew about it, she would have come to you and said, “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought we were friends.” Plus - if he’s sleeping with this one he may be sleeping around and there’s always the disease issue to worry about.

Computer logging. I completely understand the logging software and I don’t really have a problem with it now that she knows. Eventually it will have to go but it doesn’t seem to be causing a problem.
**
Your girlfriend cheating.** A very dear friend of mine, early in his relationship, had a shouting match with his girlfriend - at which point she went out and cheated on him. Same situation almost. It was absolutely wrong. But they got back together, he knows, years went by, and she has never cheated since, and it’s plain as day that she adores him and is extremely happy. I know the maxim is “once a cheat, always a cheat” but I don’t know if I believe that. People grow and mature. You’re vastly different in your 20’s than you are in your 30’s. Not everyone, of course, but the worthwhile ones. And choices you make when you’re 20 you wouldn’t dream of making when you’re 30.

Right now my biggest problem is with your buddy. If anyone he is truly the asshole here and I hope you’re not continuing the friendship with him.

I hate to call you on this, but this is ridiculous. An “asshole of the lowest caliber”? Puh-leeze. I think the so-called buddy is way lower than him. He did what many of us would have done in similar circumstances.

Wasson, your original question was about cheating. I cheated on my ex boyfriend. I actually feel no guilt about this anymore. I was 21, very immature, and still greatly under my mother’s influence, who was psychotic. When I contacted him again recently I found he wanted to apologize to me as much as me to him - he felt that he had played all kinds of games (which he had) and not been straight with me on many things (also true). We’re no friends, but we’d be nice to each other if we met again.

And I have never cheated since.

39

Hi there. First of all, I’m going to try not to sound mean or judgemental, because I can understand why you did what you did.
Personally, I definitely agree that you were RIGHT to tell the wife what was going on. What she chooses to do with that info is up to her, and maybe she’ll decide it’s not worth leaving over, but I think she deserves to know about his pattern of cheating. I sure as hell would want to know if I were her, even as painful as it would be, and would be totally enraged if I found out someone else had known what was going on and decided to be patronizing enough to withold the info from me.
I can also understand why you installed the logging software. After being cheated on by someone you thought you could trust, I’m sure it throws your whole worldview into question and you want some evidence you can trust again.

I can also understand why you decided to stay. I’m sure you really, really want to make this relationship work after all your history with this girl, and how attached you must be to her after so many years of friendship.
However, I do think you need to be preparing yourself for the likelihood that this relationship isn’t going to work.

Cheating is a pretty serious offense in a relationship, and I’ve always held the opinion that it’s only hard to cross that line the FIRST time - once you’ve broken that taboo, it’s easier to do it again.
There is also the issue that she has been known to be dishonest with you in the past about things not even related to infidelity. I remember you posted this thread a while back: Relationship thing: Should I be annoyed at my girlfriend? - In My Humble Opinion - Straight Dope Message Board
That suggests that being dishonest is not just a fluke but a longstanding pattern with her.

Yes, right now she feels really bad about it, and most likely Buddy isn’t eager to keep in touch with her anyway since his wife is probably giving him hell over it. However…as things settle down again, I’m willing to bet that she’ll get tired of feeling guilty and feeling like she has to “pay” for what happened by taking those extra steps like calling to check in with you, so it would be very easy to slide back into the old pattern again.

Yes, people CAN change, but I don’t see much evidence here that she truly wnats to. If she had broken things off with Buddy before you found out because it was making her so guilty I might feel differently - but unfortunately it seems like she’s not sorry she cheated, but just sorry that she got caught.
I know it’s hard to imagine life without her after so many years, but it might be worthwhile to start working on building up the other aspects of your life and social circle so you don’t end up feeling like you have to put up with a relationship that may turn out to be unhealthy just because it’s the only option. Good luck to you, man…I really am sorry this happened to you.

40

I wish everyone would stop saying this. No, there is not the disease issue to worry about. Do you know why? That’s right. Because his fun lovin’ buddy has a pregnant wife at home. Do you know what they do to pregnant women? Yes. Test them for sexually transmitted diseases. And I guarantee, those diseases would have made themselves evident way sooner than it took him to peice two and two together and come up with four, and her OB doctor would’ve tested yet again, just to make sure. I don’t believe he was worried about that at all. Because if he was worried about disease, he woudl’ve gotten tested. Wasson, have you gotten tested?