Well, that's fucked up

This will probably be a confused post. I found something out yesterday that I just didn’t see coming. At all.

I’ll try to make a long story short. My mother has two siblings: a sister who is two years younger and a brother who is sixteen years younger. Their father, my grandfather, died in 1985. Their mother is still alive. I remember my grandfather as a great, sweet, wonderful person, and everyone speaks of him that way. My grandmother was and is fiercely devoted to him.

When my grandfather died it affected my grandmother very much. She loved him to death. I was eight years old and don’t remember any of it, apparently because my mother shielded me and my brothers from it as much as possible. My uncle was eighteen or nineteen at the time, living at home, and his mother going bonkers obviously affected him.

Many years later his first child is born. At the baptism, something happened which caused my family and his family to sever basically all bonds of contact. I know very little of this except that my uncle drank a lot and was, well, crazy, to use the words my mother uses. Little by little we get back in touch and have met a few times in the last few years.

This last week my uncle starts drinking heavily, doesn’t go to work, and suffers from depression. My grandmother calls my mother and says my uncle wants her to come. She does and eventually she finds out what this is all about.

Apparently, my grandfather sexually molested him. I don’t know details and don’t want to.

My first thought was that it couldn’t possibly be true. No way. My grandfather could not have done that. Impossible. Not him. But it would explain a lot. So at the same time it answers quite a few questions and makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. But my grandmother and mother both accept it and believe it. If they do, I can’t really see why I should doubt it.

Which means that everything is different, and my uncle has suffered beyond words. Of course he couldn’t say anything when his father died and his mother went half-mad with grief. And then the years go by, he honours his father’s memory, and it becomes more and more impossible to break the silence. The secret breaks up his family, his life… and finally he says something. He’s in a psych ward right now. I hope it helps him.

I’ll have more to say later. Right now I’d just like to hear some really smart things from Dopers. Life is upside down.

Oh, wow. I don’t have anything smart to say, but hugs to you and I hope your family can find some kind of comfort.

Sexual molestation makes no sense, it never does. And it affects everyone in the family: the abuser, the one abused and all bystanders.

I have nothing smart to say except that I believe your uncle and your entire family can find a measure of healing. Or maybe it would be fairer to say I have and I know others who have.



I don’t know what to say except that this is a story I’ve heard too often and now when I hear of a loved one who sounds too good to be true, I tend to think that there is something hidden somewhere inside the family dynamic.

Supposedly, my husband’s grandfather was the life of the party, best guy around, everyone loved him etc–turns out he molested my SIL, probably their mother and her sister, which would go a long way to explain the sister’s morbid obesity, my MIL’s alcoholism, and their (much) younger brother’s gambling, cocaine addiction coupled with his conviction that he is a lay preacher sent here to help others. It also explains my SIL’s promiscuity and my husband’s inability to connect, among other things.

Hurts don’t stay in one place. They reach deep and wide and keep hurting unless something is done. I’m sorry for the pain your family is in. Is your uncle getting help?

Per the OP, the uncle is in a psych ward.

My uncle molested my mother when she was a kid. He was IIRC six years older than she and he passed her around amongst his friends. I could tell that there was something wrong in their relationship and deduced around my senior year of high school that he’d molested her. She started recovering memories a few years after that, went through hell, went through therapy, came out the other side if not whole (can there ever be wholeness after such an event?) at least better and able to cope.

One of my worst memories was when my step-grandfather died and I was helping clear out my grandmother’s house in preparation for sale. The house was transferred to my mother and uncle for tax purposes and I was writing a letter to a friend and wrote that it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if my uncle stole my grandmother’s money. His shrew of a wife found the letter in a closed notebook in my bag and bitched to my mother about it. Knowing what he’d done to her (although she yet didn’t) I was forced to apologize to the son of a bitch. And surprise, he not only stole the money from half the house, he also stole the money from the sale of the appliances.

He’s dead now. He’s one of the people who make me wish I believed in Hell so that I could take comfort from the knowledge that he’s roasting in it.

Priceguy you and your family have my best wishes.

Missed that bit (although a psych ward isn’t always “help”). I’m glad he’s been open about it. I am also glad he was believed and not cast out of the family.

Nothing to add here other than a hope that your uncle gets better. I’m so sorry to hear about this.


No ‘smart Doper’ stuff to add here, but just wanted to chime in with my best wishes for your grandmother as well as your uncle. If this is proved - and I mean proved in an irrevocable way to her, not that your uncle isn’t telling the truth - she will be truly devastated too.

There are probably charities or support groups for the families of abuse survivors as well as the abused themselves - is there one nearby you could contact?

Wow, I’m sorry, Priceguy. I don’t have anything to offer except my sympathy and concern, and hope that your family can heal.

What a deeply, deeply messed-up situation.

I’m so sorry to hear this, Priceguy. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. hugs tight

Priceguy–there are no words:frowning:

That thread title says it all, really…