I have a scientific enough mind to not be fatalistic. I attach meaning to events. Not the other way around. Still…I went for a long walk tonight. Everything has been so busy lately and I just wanted to wander and empty my brain…a reset button per se before I go back to work. I ended up messaging a bunch of people to wish them a good day. Not much response. I then seemed to run into an inordinate amount of people from my life on my walk: a former friend, someone who I had a crush on, a former musician colleague, two groups of people that had people I worked with.
I also ended up wandering to the old house where I used to live with my ex three years ago. I think it’s the first time I gave it a good long hard look since we broke up. I didn’t cry but I did feel emotional…I was so close to happiness there…my best friend now lives relatively close. I went to say hi…he’s going out on a date of sorts tonight. So he was busy.
So for me I felt a theme of seeing the past and the present juxtaposed on one another…and I battled alot of sadness. What have I done in the past threeish years? I certainly have changed alot of my life. New job, working in the city, took up yoga, fitness, dance, and have travelled. I have made some new friends…but tonight I felt extremely lonely. Has all the change been worth it? Or am I heading towards further loneliness? All this is just rambling and pondering. I’m drinking rye whiskey to take the edge off. I feel like no one will ever love me for who I am. And no matter what I do I will be alone. It’s ok. I will survive. But is survival enough? How long can I be strong enough to love myself and stand on my own two feet? I’d like to love someone and be a partner for someone. That’s been my dream as long as I can remember. But maybe that’s not my path. I’m lacking some quality that allow me to be a partner. It makes me sad because maybe somethings are out of my control. Sorry…rambling with emotion and drinking. I’m here though because my other outlets are not available tonight. Maybe I should move away and just restart my life again. So much baggage here where I live. Again sorry I’m rambling. But I’m really feeling hard hit tonight. Funny how so many days can be good and then all of a sudden this happens like a steamroller. Please have empathy on me. I don’t know if I can take much criticism tonight. I feel very alone. I’m looking for some support…that maybe I’m not crazy…and maybe I have something to offer someone. I don’t smoke or drink (normally)…and I’m healthy and employed and am generally in good spirits. But tonight I’m going to break character. Everyone gets to do that once in awhile right? Thank you for listening…better here than burdening all my friends and family. I try not to give them more weight. Thank you again for being considerate.
You need something to make you feel loved. Go to the local rescue shelter (not tonight) and get a pet. Dogs need to be walked which will help you get outside every day. Cats are thought to be independent, but ours always are waiting at the door for cuddles and plays when we get home.
Pets aren’t just a distraction, they really do change your life.
As to the depression, I have no ideas to offer about that, everyone is different, but I do know that even during the worse times in my life, having a cat sit on my lap and purr at me always made me feel better.
I can empathize. What you describe is exactly how I’d describe a place I’ve been emotionally many times in my life. It’s hard, I know. Some days are better, some are worse. All the words of advice I could give sound trite, contrived by a Hallmark card writer, mere pablum. Still, as bland and insipid as those words are, there is still truth in them. Poor the booze down the sink, go out and find a hobby, volunteer somewhere that could use your skills and abilities. This may sound anathema to many on here, but can be more effective and affective than you may think, go to church. Find a nice, bland non-denominational church nearby if you can and start going. (assuming you follow general leaning of this board and are generally non-religious to whatever degree) I’m not saying you have to believe or convert or whatever, just find yourself something to do that isn’t work, isn’t the same old same, and (this is the important part) isn’t about you. Church is a great place to find things you can volunteer to do or help with that also (usually) are of some benefit to the community at large in some fashion. Maybe you will try it and not like it, maybe you will love it, whatever it is. But the point is get out there and do something that isn’t about you. This is why people say pets are so good for things like this. Having and caring for a pet is more than just the companionship, its the responsibility for another being who isn’t you. It gets you outside yourself. It helps, at least it works for me when I get that way.
I hope you feel better soon and this mood passes quickly for you.
Hobbies include: Music. Yoga, Social Dance,
Community Groups: I go to the Unitarian Centre…hobby groups are all social
Family: I visit my folks once a week.
No bad habits. The drink last night was because I had nothing else left to help me.
I think the other poster nailed it where I need to feel loved. I don’t know if it’s possible with humans. So maybe I need a dog. Any suggestions on how to do it in an apartment?
Yeesh, no, I wish I did have some advice. I haven’t owned a dog since I was a kid. How do you feel about cats? Maybe a bird? OH! a rat! My neice kept a rat for years, said it was way better than a dog. How do you feel about rats?
I, personally, have never had a dog in an apartment. I know that many people manage it while working full time. If you think that might be too much with your winters, how do you feel about cats?
Cats are wonderful apartment pets. They don’t need to go for walks and usually sleep about 18 hours a day. As long as you scoop the litter box once or twice a day there isn’t a smell.
I’d advise against getting a kitten. They are as cute as can be but they can be total PITAs. Get an adult cat, their personality is already formed and you will know what you are getting. Actually, get 2 cats so they can keep each other company while you are at work. You would save 2 lives AND have purrs and cuddles when you come home.
Ours are always waiting at the door when we get home. We pretend its because they want their gooshy food, but that’s not true. We get home at 5-5:30 and they don’t get their gooshy food until 6. They are happy to see us and want to spend time with us.
I really do think a pet would be good for you. Unconditional love is always a good thing.
And once again, Monstro said what I meant with much fewer words. Cats are very loving. They honestly do look forward to their slaves being around.
Plus, some of us womenfolk like seeing a guy with cat pics on their desk and phone. One of the things that attracted me about my husband was his open and honest love for cats.
I love dogs, and have been mostly just ok with cats. I’ll maybe reconsider though. Tonight I just want to curl up in a ball and never get up. I feel unlovable…despite how well I take care of myself…and that I try to be a good son to my parents, and friend to my friends. Somehow I just don’t cut it.
Small dogs are fine, too. I got a mini-Dachshund for an indoor pet shortly after my husband died, and I can’t imagine life without him, now. Having his loving little beating heart in the house along with his enthusiasm and comical antics have made such a difference.
I’d never had an indoor dog in my life. Now, I work from home and live in the country, so having all my animals is not a challenge – but I understand your concerns about having an apartment dog.
If you do opt for a little dog, take your time and choose carefully. Some dogs are better suited to apartment living than others. Obviously getting home from work promptly (assuming you work away from home) will become a priority. Train the little guy (or girl) to a crate early on, and he’ll always feel at home, even when you’re away. Since you enjoy getting outside, your dog will give you even more reasons to do that.
You’re doing all the right things. Getting over a lost love and/or finding a new partner is like trying to rush rising bread. You can’t. Some things just have to take their own time, and it can be very demoralizing, I know. Usually it will get better, eventually. I know these are platitudes, same as guestchaz – but they’re often true. I wish for some comfort and peace in your life.
Do NOT get a pet just because animal-lovers shame you into it or convince you that you are emotionally incapable of coping without one (as your persuaders may be)… They require a commitment you may not be able to make, either in terms of your personal sentiments, or your current lifestyle.