I have a scientific enough mind to not be fatalistic. I attach meaning to events. Not the other way around. Still…I went for a long walk tonight. Everything has been so busy lately and I just wanted to wander and empty my brain…a reset button per se before I go back to work. I ended up messaging a bunch of people to wish them a good day. Not much response. I then seemed to run into an inordinate amount of people from my life on my walk: a former friend, someone who I had a crush on, a former musician colleague, two groups of people that had people I worked with.
I also ended up wandering to the old house where I used to live with my ex three years ago. I think it’s the first time I gave it a good long hard look since we broke up. I didn’t cry but I did feel emotional…I was so close to happiness there…my best friend now lives relatively close. I went to say hi…he’s going out on a date of sorts tonight. So he was busy.
So for me I felt a theme of seeing the past and the present juxtaposed on one another…and I battled alot of sadness. What have I done in the past threeish years? I certainly have changed alot of my life. New job, working in the city, took up yoga, fitness, dance, and have travelled. I have made some new friends…but tonight I felt extremely lonely. Has all the change been worth it? Or am I heading towards further loneliness? All this is just rambling and pondering. I’m drinking rye whiskey to take the edge off. I feel like no one will ever love me for who I am. And no matter what I do I will be alone. It’s ok. I will survive. But is survival enough? How long can I be strong enough to love myself and stand on my own two feet? I’d like to love someone and be a partner for someone. That’s been my dream as long as I can remember. But maybe that’s not my path. I’m lacking some quality that allow me to be a partner. It makes me sad because maybe somethings are out of my control. Sorry…rambling with emotion and drinking. I’m here though because my other outlets are not available tonight. Maybe I should move away and just restart my life again. So much baggage here where I live. Again sorry I’m rambling. But I’m really feeling hard hit tonight. Funny how so many days can be good and then all of a sudden this happens like a steamroller. Please have empathy on me. I don’t know if I can take much criticism tonight. I feel very alone. I’m looking for some support…that maybe I’m not crazy…and maybe I have something to offer someone. I don’t smoke or drink (normally)…and I’m healthy and employed and am generally in good spirits. But tonight I’m going to break character. Everyone gets to do that once in awhile right? Thank you for listening…better here than burdening all my friends and family. I try not to give them more weight. Thank you again for being considerate.