This is about as mundane as you can get, just a rundown of my life right now, feeling kind of lonely and down and not having anyone to share it with, so I’m picking you! I don’t quite know where to begin this. I’ve been sitting here alone tonight feeling rather lonely and while I’m not entirely comfortable sharing these kinds of things online and I’m not the best of writers, though I do try. I think it’s because I could use a little company tonight, late as it is.
Three years ago, I had just about everything you could want. I liked what I was doing, I was in a happy relationship with a woman I loved, and I was near my three closest friends. I was happy and things were going well.
Over the past three years things have steadily slipped away from me. My relationship was the first to go, around two and a half years ago. I thought I was doing well. I thought I’d moved on. I’ve even dated several nice women since then. Lately, however, old wounds and emotions from that breakup have been coming back. Strongly. We haven’t spoken in well over a year, (I’m embarrassed of my behavior after we broke up, nothing crazy or creepy, but I didn’t just walk away like I should have.) but I find myself thinking about her and even dreaming about her, which I have not done in, oh, I don’t know how long and reliving feelings I thought put to rest a year ago.
Over the past year, my three friends and I, in the pursuit of either jobs or educational opportunities have found ourselves spread throughout the United States, the nearest to me is a three-hour drive away and the furthest 2000 miles or so. All perfectly normal but while I have many acquaintances, there are very few people who know me well enough to be called a good friend, people I’m comfortable sharing more than superficialities. It’s hard not having that network around all the time, knowing that Thursday night would come around and we’d be in a pub or around a pool table.
I’m getting ready to move to a new city. I don’t know quite what to say other than I find this both exciting and nerve-wracking and it has certainly been on my mind of late. It’s not far and I’m relatively familiar with the new area I’m moving too, but I’m still nervous about it.
I’ve been tossing around the idea of going back to school for awhile now, I’d always planned on it when I graduated from undergrad. But I find that I don’t know what I want. I’ve never been good at self-examination or knowing what I want. Do I do Law? Or go for graduate work instead? I can’t really afford to decide “No, I don’t really like this.”
I just don’t know what I want. It will be at least a year before I can go anyway but I’ll have to begin applying this fall for that and I find I just don’t know where to begin.
One of my favorite interests used to be politics. From the national spectrum to relatively local and mundane things I found it fascinating and fun. I volunteered for campaigns, programs, and issues. But, the past few years and frustrations, mostly with the national front, although I can’t say I’m thrilled by the local politics either, I just can’t do it anymore. I just can’t put that kind of energy into it.
I’m frustrated with the way things are right now. Happiness and contentment used to be nearly effortless, but now just being ok is an all-out struggle. I just want to be happy and excited again without having to fight for it. I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to beat this, things have just continued to get worse while I’ve barely managed to hang on. I just want to be excited again, but I don’t know how.
So, that’s what’s going on with me right now. I don’t quite know what else to say. I’ve been having a rough time lately and needed someone to share it with. And you know the funniest thing? I sit here and write this out, all these things that have been weighing on me lately, but then I open up google news or even some of the other threads here and simultaneously feel blessed for what I do have and shameful for complaining about the things that are bothering me. I proofread this twice, but I know I’m going to find at least a couple errors in it when I re-read it later.