{{{Norine}}}
That’s got to be a difficult decision to make, but when there are no good choices, you do what you have to do. This really does sound like the best choice, under the circumstances - not just for your oldest daughter, but for your other children too.
Norinew, I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you and your daughter and hoping that everything works out.
Another set of good wishes for you, norinew. Hope this works out eventually, and that you find the strength to do what has to be done.
My wife and I are going through almost the same thing with our 17 year old son.
At your daughter’s age, I do not reccomend boot camps. Maybe if she was younger it might be an option but if money is tight, and it’s far away, forget it. When she’s 18 yrs old she’ll be too old for them anyway.
We tried one of them with our son, not happy with the results.
Sadly, our son has decided to live with his girlfriend with whom he’s having a child. He had made our lives a living hell. This after years of unrelenting “I wanna get the hell outta here” crap. So I sort of kicked him out. You know what’s ironic? He now comes by about once a week to ask for money! I just tell him that since he wants to be on his own, he’s on his own.
It stinks but I figure he wants to learn the hard way and I will just have to let him. He is still covered on our medical insurance but I told him that unless he’s in school on his 18th birthday he’s no longer covered. Right now it’s a legal gray area but he’s too old for children services and too young for us to not be legally responsible. The courts can’t help because he’s not an axe-murderer.
You will need to talk to a lawyer so that you are aware of your rights. Your daughter could concievably spend the rest of her life trying to bleed you dry, of money, energy, and patience (assuming she never changes).
On the bright side, since he is out of the house, our lives are much happier. We are a normal family now, with lots of time to give our 14 year old. He is more relaxed and better behaved since his big brother moved out.
My point being that you may have to consider just letting her live her life and focus on the rest of the family. You can’t realistically be her caretaker for the rest of your lives can you? I mean, if she’s violently opposed to doing her part.
God be with you, he’s what keeps me going.
Well, an update of sorts. The psychiatrist at the hospital came in to talk to her today. He said he’s going to look for a place to send her for a year or two. Of course, we’ll be in touch with him to make sure that the place that’s found is appropriate for her.
BMalion, thanks for the input. Words of encouragement and well wishes from all the Dopers are more than welcome, of course; but words from someone who knows what this is, that’s a whole 'nother level of special. Good to hear your input on boot camps. Also, good advice to talk to our lawyer. My guess is, though, that once she’s out of the hospital she will apply for disability; if things haven’t changed radically by then (in terms of programs offered), she’ll probably get it. I know just what you mean about your younger son. I know how deeply all of this has affected our 13-year-old. She hasn’t acted out or anything, but I know she feels like the whole situation is unfair. I’m thinking the family, as a whole, will be more relaxed and peaceful without Amanda to worry about.
My husband and I both have very mixed feelings about all of this, but we’re going out tonight after the baby is in bed, and we’ll talk it out.
Please add me to the list of well-wishers, Norine. You are one of the nicest people I “know” and you deserve help. I hope that you find a place where your daughter will get what she needs to get better.
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear it’s gotten this bad.
I haven’t talked to her in quite a while so I have no idea what is going on in her head.
My offer to let her come to Iowa still stands. I know you had talked about sending her to a relative for a while to get her out of the area to see if that helped a bit. Did you try that yet? I know there might be issues with being worried about handing off a problem to someone else, but it just might help.
I guess when my sister in law was a teen my in laws sent her to a relative in Minnesota for a year to get her away from the element she was hanging around with here.
Happy to say that she is a very well adjusted adult and very succesful now in her late 30’s. She is my childrens favorite aunt and my favorite in law. I know it can be discouraging to hear it’s taken troubled folks this long to get where they need to be.
When I was in school I had a friend that was a troubled teen and in and out of a group home. She begged her mother to emancipate her, but her mother didn’t want to because she felt like it was giving up on her. My friend went out and got pregnant just to push her mothers hand.
She ended up with a baby with alot of congenial malformities and he never made it to his first birthday and she has never been right in the head since.
Since I was older than alot of my friends she lived with me for a while and when she felt she couldn’t handle Gage anymore she walked away and left him with me in the middle of the night.
I was not with him when he passed because about a month before his father decided that he would like to give being a single father a good try. He was actually a good guy and a great dad, just very scared and I gave him the option of letting me keep Gage until he was ready.
When my brother was a teen he got into some trouble and my mother (who isn’t right anyway) tried the tough love thing and sent him on his way.
For a while he lived with my father, then my aunt in florida, then my cousin back here in Iowa. My mother made things worse by needling everyone into believing that my brother was the anti-christ.
While he was still staying with our cousin, my mother had my grandparents take back the car they had helped him get. He was still at work when they showed up and took it.
He never went home that night. He took what he had, got a new unsafe car and rented a small apartment in a horrible building. But, he joined the Marines!
The change in him was amazing!
I know in a way it’s not the same, because my mother was a big factor in his behavior, but he was headed for trouble and he changed his world. He wanted better and he had something to prove to those in the family that didn’t believe him but believed my mother. And he made it.
I’ve had a couple of troubled teens live with me. For whatever reason they were troubled. Parents, peers, something going on inside them.
I really think it helps when they can step away from family/close friends and think about where they are in the world.
I grew very fond of your daughter when we would IM and I know she’s a great kid. And I know you love her very much from talking to you. I wish you guys the best, and I know she will make it.
I have so much faith in that. Please do let me know if there is anything at all I can do to help.
I hope you don’t mind, but I have two friends who were cutters for different reasons (one like your daughter) and they have both said that they would talk to you or her if you would like. Just someone to sound off on and maybe get some idea of what is in her head. A different perspective so to speak.
The scars do fade, but while they are still there they are a reminder. The one girl now can still see hers, but when she was getting ready for a local pagent they kind of were a wake up call. She said she remembers getting ready and wondering what on earth she was thinking.
When she was talking to me about them when I first met her and she was still cutting she said that she really wished she wouldn’t do it she just couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to die, she just couldn’t explain the need to cut and she wished people couldn’t see what she was doing. I showed her my arms and told her that yes they do fade away.
Anyway, I’m rambling as usual.
I wish you and your family tons of strength and lots of love to get through this. And please do let me know if there is anything at all I can do to help. Even if you tell me to mind my own damn business.
Kristine
Kricket, thanks for all of your well wishes. I really appreciate your offer to keep her for a few weeks, but right now, I really think that a hospital is the best place for her. In a hospital, she can be kept safe from herself, which is what she needs. Now, of course I know that you would do the best you could to keep her safe, but I’m not sure that’s a realistic goal right now (in a functioning household, I mean); in hospitals, of course, there’s non-stop supervision, and lots of precautions that households can’t take.
I will pass along your well wishes; I know it will mean a lot to her!
BMalion, would you mind if I emailed you some time?
DungBeetle, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me all day! 
You’re welcome. I know it’s hard. One of the hardest things is that very few people can really understand what’s going on. They offer well-meaning but glib advice or observations. I just sigh and thank them for their imput.
In some ways it’s easier for me to be objective, he is my stepson, I married his mom 4 years ago. I do not have the long years of baggage that she does. God knows what she’d have gone through had she been all alone (she was widowed when the oldest son was 3 years old).
Be careful of the disability. It won’t solve problems and takes years to work out. Same with Social Security. I’ve watched my older brother leech off my mom for almost all of his 47 years. He still lives in the house and has had maybe 5 years of employment total during his adult life, drugs, alcohol and an almost fanatical avoidance of any responsiblity.
Tell your daughter that you love her, but be firm.
Anytime, it’s bmalion@yahoo.com
Oh, I know! She wanted to apply for disability last year, and we wouldn’t let her. There’s really no good reason why she couldn’t be gainfully employed, except that she doesn’t want to put in the effort. But once she’s 18, we can’t stop her from taking that route.
We’ve already worked this all out. I have an acquaintance (she’s too dysfunctional as a human being to actually be a “friend”) who has never held down a job. She has her own home, sort of; her father owns it, really, and lets her live there. He (her father) pays the taxes, water and insurance. She’s supposed to use her child support and other assorted income (mostly gov’t assistance) to pay the other bills. She doesn’t, though. She’s addicted to prescription narcotics and assorted other obsessions. She just lets the gas/electric/cable get cut off, then cries to daddy. He pays them because he doesn’t want to see his grandchildren do without these things. This woman is 43 years old, her kids are 10 and 12. Her parents have bailed her out and made excuses for her her whole life, and she’s a wreck. I think she’d be much better off by now if they hadn’t enabled her all this time. I won’t do this to Amanda (I say “do this to” instead of “do this for”, because I think continually bailing out is doing the kid a great disservice in the long run). Once she’s on her own, she’s on her own.
I’m sorry to hear that, BMalion. I remember you talking about that a while back, but at the time, you did seem to think it had had a positive effect. (IIRC.) 
norinew, I have nothing to contribute here except my good wishes to your family—all of them. And to BMalion and family.
I’m sorry that you have been having so much trouble with her but I do think that hospitalizing her is the best way to help her now. I hope things start looking up soon.
Norine, I am so sorry that things have gotten worse. I know how hard you have tried, how many options you have explored, to avoid long-term commitment. But sometimes we just don’t have the answers, sometimes we can’t find them no matter how hard we try.
I think you are doing the best thing you can do for this child you love so much. And I know you will make sure she gets into the right facility, and I pray she gets well and learns how to be happy and healthy.
You will all be in my prayers, and I am holding you in my heart.
My Love,
Cheri