We're going to name the fat baby Lardy if it's a boy.

I was sitting here doing my damned job freezing my ass off waiting to go home when this stumbly drunk possibly insane woman wanders up. I’ve got my crutches leaning next to me, and she says, like people do, “Oh, you’re on crutches? What happened!” I told her I sprained my foot.

She peers over the desk at me and says, very sympathetically, “Oh, you pregnant too?”

I am not pregnant. (I am not fat either, it’s just that any extra weight only deposits between my waist and my knees.) I wasn’t sure what to say, but I told her, um, no. Not pregnant.

“Oh, I guess that’s just fat then!” And she wandered off chortling to herself.

Yeah, just a little extra whipped cream on the shit sundae that’s been my day. Thanks, random crazy woman.

I went shopping after work today and the following interaction occured:

Some Guy: Excuse me, ma’am, but you dropped something.
Me: puzzled, turns around looking at the ground
Some Guy: My number!
Me: Oh, I’m flattered sir, but I am engaged. Thank you though!
Some Guy: Bitch, I don’t want your number! I just want to sell you some sheets! gestures towards table to his left holding 3 mismatched sets of sheets
Me: rolls eyes

Yeah, it’s been one of those days.

Yeah, two things you should never ask a woman. Never ask her if she’s pregnant. Never ask her if she’s having her period.

And never, *ever *ask her if she’s doing both.

Seriously. I have a coworker who is now 7 1/2 months pregnant and we’ve talked multiple times about her being pregnant. And I still kind of got a lump in my throat asking her how far along she was.

Allegedly Dave Barry said “You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.” Wise words.

Ugh but you gotta protect yourself from those chortling crazy old ladies.

A much better answer to such a nosy stranger would be to say something like “yes! Yes I am pregnant.10 1/2 months along… with twins, one is Lardy and after meeting you I think I’ll name the other one Retardy, now you have a blessed day!”

Indeed. Can all pregnant women on public transport please ask if they want a seat. I only offer one if it’s obvious beyond any doubt that they’re pregnant but would be more than happy to give it to anyone who asks. Girls who have been pregnant at work have complained to me about people not offering a seat when they only look slightly pregnant, upon questioning it appears they didn’t even ask anyone.

As Jimmy Carr said, I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing than a fat lady sitting down and crying.

Or a totally not fat lady who can’t decide whether to laugh or cry?

A couple years ago, I was working really hard to lose some weight and had already lost about 20 lbs. One of my coworkers brought his kids with him to pick up his paycheck and the kid said to me “are you pregnant?” I was shocked; I wasn’t very overweight or anything. I looked the best I’d probably ever looked.

My coworker quickly rescued me from my speechlessness and chastised his kid. While I’m glad the kid has been taught not to ask such personal questions of strangers, it’s a double edged sword. Now pregnant ladies won’t get the courtesy the deserve because we’re all afraid to ask. Oh, well. I’ll just have to speak up when I’m preggers. I’m not afraid to do that!

Never ask her what if she’s having her period?

Ditto. Fortunately, London Transport gives these pins out to anyone who asks for one, to wear whilst traveling. Very handy for separating the pregnant from the merely “big-boned”.

That’s so rude.

I would almost prefer Lardy to names like Brooklyn. As someone who grew up there I giggle madly whenever I hear some midwestern twit use that name.

Trenton, Camden and Brooklyn. What is it with some people and their desire to name their offspring after ugly northeastern places? What’s next? Midwood? Sheephead Bay? Coney Island?

Pardon my ignorance, but what does a woman who is so newly pregnant so that she doesn’t show yet deserve over regular women?

Oh, Zsofia! Geez. People can really suck.

Maybe this will cheer you up. My Mom’s been here helping out since Son 2.0 keeps faking us out, thinking he’s going to show up RIGHT NOW. Or wait…how about NOW! No, no…but, NOW!

Anyway, 3 1/2yro Son 1.0 was chatting away (as 3 1/2yros do) to his grandma, when the conversation went like this:

Son (patting grandma’s belly): Gran-Ma, are you gonna have a baby too?
GMA: No, honey, no. I’m just fat.
S: Why are you fat?
GMA: Because I’m old.
S: Old like PaPa? (Who died 10mos ago)
GMA: No, honey. Just old enough to be fat.

Those are a great idea!

I’m talking about someone who is showing and so deeply into their pregnancy.

Well, she might not have eaten anything all day, so there’s that. (Not saying that every pregnant woman needs to sit down, just that newly pregnant people sometimes feel like crap. Not that I’d know, as I am not pregnant.)

I’ll put down “In Progress”

Chelsea and Quincy?

(at least in Massachusetts neither are particularly attractive places)

Assuming I’m not being wooshed…

If she’s not having her period and you ask, “Are you having your period?” she will probably be highly insulted. If she is having her period and you ask, “Are you having your period?” you would be lucky to walk out of the resulting rampage only needing a few stitches.