Yeah, we’ve decided that we would be better off without a single roommate. There is still a bit of talk about moving in with another couple that we know and hang out with all the time (they need a place to live and it would eliminate the possibility two people ganging up on the 3rd wheel) but we are leaning towards having our own 2 bedroom.
We aren’t at a point yet where we would be combining our finances. One of us would write a check to the other and they would pay the rent. If we end up getting married then we will consider mixing our money but until that point it is a separate thing.
I would go a step further and say you each write your own check to the landlord and have your names on the lease as two seperate individuals, so if something does happen there isn’t any messiness. You can get it put into your apartment signing contract that you each owe 50% of the rent each month. This way nether of you is 100% finacially responsible for the apartment. It’s how I did it with all my room mates, and while I didn’t do this when my girlfriend (now wife) and I first moved in together, I would have if I had known then what I know now in terms of minimizing risk.
My SO and I have been living together for 17 years now.
You’ll both need to learn when to listen and nod, and when to listen and actually respond. Sometime a person just needs to vent when they get home. It doesn’t need to be fixed, just make reassuring noises.
Don’t take your job/world anger out on your SO. It’s way to easy to have a crappy day at work, come home and be pissy at your SO. Remember that this is the person you love. If anyone in the world deserves respect and courtesy, they do.
Respect their privacy, and carve out your own. You’ll be seeing a lot more of each other. You’ll now have to work a bit to have private phone calls and other communications. Be willing to go to another room if your SO starts getting into a deep phone conversation that you may not need to hear.
It’s ok to have seperate friends and pass times. It’s ok for you to go to a movie without him, and vis versa.
Here is the real roommate problem - from someone past roommates and into kids. When you are establishing a life with someone - the pop cans all over the place, does he put the seat up (and back down), does he rinse his dishes - maybe even putting them straight into the dishwasher…these things are part of establishing if this is permanent. A roommate - you have a hard time telling whose pop cans are whose, and who pee’d all over the bathroom, and who made oatmeal and left it sitting on the counter to turn into plaster of paris…
We did the separate accounts, one joint account, he contributed 50% of the expenses - when we started out. Eventually that become one joint account, separate accounts, we got allowances (when the point in the relationship was reached where “his and hers” wasn’t important), and now its “one account, leave an IOU for the kids if you need cash.”
Its is a great idea to be both moving into a new place. One of the last things i thought i’d ever hear my ex say: “Well, if you don’t like it you can just leave.” (this is after i asked about the mold infested dishes; the chore was volunteered into and we had a dishwasher)
The hardest part wasn’t adjusting him, it was me; adjusting to the loss of independence. I was always a very irregular sleeper. I’d get up at 2 AM and exercise or something, and work from home a lot out of sheer boredom. I pretty much ate when I was hungry and slept when and only when I felt like sleeping (I hate sleeping). If you share your bed with someone they aren’t going to appreciate that, and giving up light snacking for actual dinner was a bitch, and playing video games is a pipe dream. But I just consider reverting to these habits a silver lining of when my husband’s gone on his next overseas deployment.
Other things… you hopefully get a lot more cash flow coming in… a lot more. Not just the rent, but also electricity, food (buying in bulk is actually possible and worthwhile with 2 people than 1), you may be pooling a lot of car-rides together, etc. Save the extra money or pay down your debts! You have to deal with different cleaning styles, etc; which we both have done just fine.
I remember asking friends of mine who’d been together for 20 years, and were obviously still very much in love with each other, what they attributed the success of their relationship to. She told me that it was about being able to see someone at their very worst (sick, cranky, bad tempered, whiney, childish, etc) and still LIKE them.
Familiarity breeds contempt. Agreeing not to be contemptuous with one another, and sticking to that agreement, is helpful but why the hell am I replying? I’ve been living with someone for nearly 5 years and he is now moving out, at least temporarily, because I need him to. In our case, however, there is a big issue involved… Addiction, active addiction… No relationship is more powerful than the disease of addiction.
I agree with the part about seeing each other at your worst, except that you never really know what worst can be because you can’t predict the future. If a couple hasn’t gone through at least a few hard times together so that they can see how they get along under major stress I don’t think that they should be opening joint accounts, making large mutual purchases or signing any sort of contract together.
Read this thread. Ask your intended cohabitant to read it, too. Discuss your respective perceptions of the issues in there.
In a nutshell: understand that your priorities are going to differ. There will be things that are important to him that aren’t at all important to you, and there will be things that are important to you that aren’t at all important to him. If you can accept this up front, and look at daily life as partners with complementary interests and skillsets, then you’ll be just fine. If you can’t, if either of you intends to attempt to train the other to have the same list of priorities in exactly the same order, then there is considerably angst in your future.
You are living together, which means, as many folks have said, that you will be seeing the less romantic/sexy side of one another. You’ll kiss him when his teeth aren’t brushed; he’ll see you in sweats and a T-shirt. This is fine, expected, and can be wonderful.
But don’t let it become your whole life. Dress up and go out on purpose once in a while. Continue to see one another at your respective best, from time to time.
You are going to fight, especially in your first few months. Have a comfortable couch.