What actually soothes 'roids?

Frozen chip smeared with A&D ointment. Insert. Size may vary.

chip? Like a potato chip? Frito? I’m gonna use Cheetos until you reply.

I don’t know if you can get it Stateside of the pond, but there’s a product called germolene that works wonders. It contains a local anaesthetic as well as an antibacterial. If you can’t get it in US pharmacies, it would be worth seeing if you can buy by mail order.