What am I feeling?

The BBQ Pit
1

I feel cold and quiet and numb. Is this a kind of anger?

One of my oldest friends was to visit this weekend. She was one of my best friends in high school andwhen we were in our twenties. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. But we lost track of each other and I hadn’t seen or heard from her in 30 years.

An old classmate put us in touch with each other and she called earlier this week. We talked for a couple of hours and it was as if no time had passed. I felt perfectly at ease and she seemed to.

She suggested that she drive over for lunch (a two hour drive) and I invited her to stay the night. She accepted.

I had a happy week preparing for her visit. I’m not much of a housekeeper, but I did need to “make room” for her. That took several days at a slow pace.

I asked her in email whether she preferred to have lunch out today or have a homemade stew. When she didn’t respond, I opted for something else. I spent a little over $100 on groceries and $70 on wine and booze. It never occurred to me not to do this. I don’t cook and I also don’t invite people over very often, but this was special. I referred to these groceries as “the fatted calf.”

My husband also helped out with errands and chores. (He’s a lamb and was going to take both of us out to dinner tonight for Valentine’s.)

I was dressed and ready by 10:00 this morning. She hadn’t given me a specific time of arrival. I waited. And waited.

At noon I sat at the bottom of our long front steps just so that I could see her even more quickly, but I got too cold and had to come in. So I prepared all of the food and set out everything that didn’t need to be refrigerated.

By 1:00, I began to get worried that something had happened to her.

By 1:45, I decided to check my email. She wasn’t coming. She had to work today and had run home for lunch and left me a message at 12:30 pm. She couldn’t find my phone number.

I know that when you place expectations on others, that is when you get hurt. So some of what I’m feeling is my fault.

But am I unreasonable in thinking that she was incredibly rude? Should she not have let me know that she wasn’t coming by leaving an email before she left for work this morning?

What a shame. I’ve become a rather decent older woman and I’m really turned off by her carelessness.

So why am I feeling so cold inside? This doesn’t sound much like a rant, does it?

2

She was very rude. Also, it’s likely that she knew before this morning that she was going to have to work today. You’re nice to be merely cold inside. I’d be PISSED!.

What are you going to do next? Contact her, or wait to hear from her? I’m not sure what I’d do, but I’d probably wait to see if she tried to make contact again.

The Missus signed me up on that Classmates thing but I’ve never even checked it out. I can’t imagine there being more than one or two people from all those years ago that I’d want to get re-acquainted with, or how it would work out if I did. I’m no longer into drag racing or swipin’ hubcaps, Elvis and Buddy Holly are dead, so I don’t know what we’d talk about.

Taking it on the bright side, at least you’ve got some groceries and some booze and wine. It’s Valentine’s Day. Party time, Zoe!

3

I guess you’re feeling bitter disappointment and a tremendous let down. You’ve been (justifiably) looking so forward to this and then it didn’t happen. It would be one thing if there had been a true emergency but that clearly isn’t the case. I think you’re also a little broken hearted that this was a Big Deal to you and something that she could take or leave.

It’s a shame. You deserve better.

Haj

4

You have every right to be mad. It always sucks when consideration and generosity are not reciprocated.

Did she offer to make it up to you? Was she nonchalant in her email, or could you sense geniune regret?

5

Hi Zoe,

I really feel for you. Your OP was from the heart and a positively superb rant.

I speak as a convicted felon of the aforementioned offense. Estrangements are extremely tough to handle, especially if there’s a lot of time between the people involved. The emotions that get churned up can be almost impossible to reconcile.

While I think the likelihood is very great that your friend simply chickened out, what harm does it do to just take her word for it? Please give her another chance. This time, I suggest waiting for her to make the next move. If she stays silent, a phone call to feel her out might let you in on the basis of her problem.

I know that’s asking an awful lot. Speaking from experience, though, that’s precisely what some people really need.

Very truly yours,

B
.

6

:frowning: That totally, totally sucks!

Hopefully, she was just so mortified at the fact she had to cancel outon you that she waited and waited until it was way too late (made her look like a bigger ass than she already felt.)

Hopefully that was the case. Try to re-schedule, test the waters, maybe she feels like a putz and is equally disappointed by not being able to see you.

Sometimes the idea of seeing someone from your past can really whig you out as far as self-esteem – you remember the dreams you had, what you thought you’d have accomplished by now… it can be as stressful as a high school reunion!

Be friendly and see how it goes.

7

You have all been encouraging – and from more than one angle.

[quote]
John Carter: Taking it on the bright side, at least you’ve got some groceries and some booze and wine. It’s Valentine’s Day. Party time, Zoe!**

Ha! I do think we’ve gotten to know each other a little bit, John. That is exactly what I did and am still doing. My daughter and her husband and my grandson – all of them are outrageously fun – came over to take advantage and the goodies and to set Grammy up with bodacious Margaritas. So we ate hearty and watched DVDs of Lost in Translation and the first season of The Office. Lots of laughter and hugs.

I realize that this cold numb feeling is a mixture of disappointment and anger and, as hajario said, my feelings were hurt because it was a big deal to me and not to her.

monstro, her email was very brief and almost casual. I would have understood better if she had followed it up with another email or a phone call after she got off from work.

El Cid and Eats Crayons, you are both entirely too grown up for me! There may be some truth in what you are saying about chickening out at the last moment. My own longterm issues with self-confidence and self-esteem tell me that I really must let her make contact. She was ill-mannered and I know that she knows better. She does not know and will not know of the trouble and expense that I went to. My response to her was light and casual and expressed regrets that I wouldn’t see her. I will wait for her to suggest a time again and then we will see what happens. If she is up for it, then we can just eat out.

There is one more possibility. Judging from her lack of direct responses to questions and comments in email and the sound of her voice and background noises in our phone conversation, I think she might have a problem with alcohol. I have seen a similar lack of ability to remember and follow-through from another friend.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I felt like an injured teenager when I posted earlier.

8

We all do sometimes, lady. It was my turn last Saturday; I suppose it’s yours this week. You kept up your end of the bargain; what happened wasn’t your fault, and sometimes being numb can be a reasonable way of putting emotions on hold until you can deal with them. You tried. That does count for something. Meanwhile, I’m glad you had a wonderful dinner with those who truly love you and are worthy of you. Your old classmate doesn’t know what she was missing.

CJ

9

Yes, it was terribly rude of her to not call you in a reasonable amount of time. I don’t know why you fell out of touch with her, but these things happen as people change. There could be a myriad of reasons why she had to cancel. Perhaps she really did have to work or maybe she’s decided that she wants to keep her past in the past. Hell, maybe she’s gained 50 pounds and is too embarrassed to see you.

Whatever the reason, I’d respond with a “How disappointing!” e-mail and then leave it up to her to respond. If she doesn’t, then I think you should just write chalk this up as a learning experience. Unreliable people are usually more work than they reap rewards.