This is a question, but one probably without a solid factual answer, so into IMHO it goes.
A brief anecdote to demonstrate the problem: the other day I went to a restaurant to grab a burger. As I took my seat outside, an older, kind of weird guy twisted around in his seat and said “hi!” “Hi” I answered, and went about my business. A few minutes later a young couple sat at the table next to him, and a conversation was quickly struck up, revealing, as I had suspected from the fact that the guy was saying “hi” to people he didn’t know, that he was just slightly nutty. Now in this case, my apparent constant bad vibes worked to my advantage. On the other hand, it has other, maybe not positive effects; every time I start a new term in school, I notice people talking all around me. Often, they seem to have just met. Nobody ever decides to just strike up a conversation with me; I don’t necessarily mind as idle chatter with strangers isn’t really my thing, but it is a little hard to figure since I’m not especially ugly, have good hygeine, and don’t wear t-shirts that say “I want to eat your baby.” I’m also pretty much a nice guy; my social skills are kind of sporadic and mood-dependent, but lately I at least have some. However, I can’t seem to figure out how to stop these invisible “bad vibes” since they seem to reach most people before I’ve even said anything. I don’t need a lot of small-talk in my life, but honestly, now that my old friends are all gone, I don’t see a lot of prospects for ever making new ones if I’m doing something that says “piss off” to everyone who crosses my path. What can I do to, if not necessarily make people want to talk to me, stop making them seemingly NOT want to talk to me? Any bored armchair shrinks wanna take a crack at it? I realize I haven’t provided a lot of information, so ask away if necessary.
And for the record, I’m not asking “how do I talk to women?” And I also seem to do better with people older than myself, I have trouble connecting with my peers.
I’m my experience, everyone thinks that everyone else is more sociable and finds it easier to talk to strangers etc. It’s not so. It’s hard for everyone, just some people get out there and do it anyway.
You need to be the one to go up to them and say “hi” and start the conversation and be friendly. Some will respond and you’ll start a conversation and get to know each other and maybe end up being friends. Some will try and get you to go away. Some you win, some you lose.
It helps to smile – as sincerely as possible. If you can find a place where tourists gather, especially from other areas (states, countries), you can try practicing being friendly by asking where they are from, and by offering suggestions about where to go for dinner, coffee, entertainment, etc.
People also seem to get friendly when I ask if I can pet their dogs or cats. Uh, except in Paris. OK. One experience. Someone didn’t seem to like it when I petted their dog.
I know what you mean about vibes. I think I’ve been successful in giving off the bad ones in areas that are not so safe for women alone.
Maybe I should clarify; most of the time, I’m not actually interested in talking to anybody, certainly not to the point that I want to go out and start chatting people up. I’m not trying to figure out what to say to people to make them like me, I’m just trying to figure out what it is about my demeanor that drives people away. In reality, I don’t think I really want a lot of people I don’t know trying to make small-talk with me, I’m just wondering why nobody does when it seems so common around me.
Hard to assess without more info. Do you tend to avoid eye contact? If someone could video you while you sat among people, like at an outdoor cafe, you might answer your question.
I don’t think the analogy is entirely appropriate as it involves choice and my situation doesn’t. Anyway, screw this topic, I was a little drunk and irritated when I started it. Anyway, there’s no way I can provide enough info to get a real answer. Most if the time my “fuck off” rays work to my advantage anyway.
I can tell you about the difference between my ‘good vibes’ and ‘bad vibes’ days.
If I don’t feel like talking to anyone, I have a slightly sullen look on my face. I keep my head down. I don’t make eye contact. I respond in a less than enthusiastic manner when spoken to.
If I do feel like talking, I have a big smile on my face. I look everyone in the face and smile AT them. I have a perky ‘hello!’ for every greeting I’m given.
Could be a host of things, but what springs to mind is what your bearing might be. People are drawn to, and are more likely to talk to, confident and happy-seeming people, and those first impressions are based entirely on how people carry themselves. So…
– Probably most important, do you make eye contact with those around you? If so, how long do you hold it? Do you look away as soon as someone looks at you, or do you acknowledge their presence (a nod, a smile, a little upward jerk of the chin)?
– Do you stand with your shoulders back, or slumped?
– Think about your face when you’re among strangers-- do you smile a little, smile a lot, not smile at all, look serious? Look at your face in the mirror with your face relaxed (as it likely is when you’re not consciously wearing an expression). If you saw a stranger looking like that (attitude, not features), would you want to talk to him?
– What do you do when there’s nothing to do? Do you fidget? Read something? Just kick back? The more preoccupied or nervous you seem, the less likely people will be to speak with you.
All that said, I think Wikkit’s got a point. No matter how many clues or vibes you may consciously try to send, the fact that you don’t want to talk to people is being communicated and understood through your non-verbal signals. If you ever find that you do genuinely want to talk to people, you’ll find that you’ll communicate that just as clearly.
Hmm, even though I just said “screw it” the above is probably about right, and I suppose it’s obvious; I walk fast everywhere, I don’t sit around with a big grin on my face, and if I have to wait for anything for more than about two minutes the language flashcards are coming out.
As for posture, I’ve never been able to figure out how I’m supposed to stand. I don’t feel like I’m slouching, but is “good posture” supposed to mean that if you ran a yardstick from the small of your back to the top of your head it would pretty much touch the whole way? How much should my back be arched, and how much should my head be forward? Because I can’t really get the back of my head in line with my ass without a whole lot of discomfort. I’m not sure if there’s a problem with my posture or if I’m just more critical of my own.
This may be a perfect example of why people may be seeking your cameraderie.
I’m not talking down to you, because I can relate. I’m too-often am short on patience with other people and don’t seek out people to tell me about drivel that I feel has no bearing on my life. Even when I don’t reveal this verbally, my body language does all my talking for me.
Unlike you, it sounds like, I view this as a bad thing and one that I try hard to rectify. Deep down, I feel that the positive human interaction is the most valuable thing I will ever have.
Do you really feel that “fuck-off” rays are to your advantage?
This may be a perfect example of why people may be seeking your cameraderie.
I’m not talking down to you, because I can relate. I’m too-often am short on patience with other people and don’t seek out people to tell me about drivel that I feel has no bearing on my life. Even when I don’t reveal this verbally, my body language does all my talking for me.
Unlike you, it sounds like, I view this as a bad thing and one that I try hard to rectify. Deep down, I feel that the positive human interaction is the most valuable thing I will ever have.
Do you really feel that “fuck-off” rays are to your advantage?
Well, like I said in the OP, it seemed to have saved me from a long, bizarre conversation with a burned-out, kazoo-playing hippie. Obviously not all human interaction is bad, but considering where I live I think there are more chances of random conversations being uncomfortable, weird or time-wasting than leading to a close friendship. So it has its advantages. On the other hand, I will soon move to a place where I will be assumed by most to not speak the local language, making me doubly-isolated, so it would sort of be nice to be able to at least choose the vibe I’m giving off, even if “don’t mess with me” has its time and place.
Good posture (a minor point at best, but the only one no one has responded to) – it’s not about sticking a pole up your but. Imagine there’s a string coming out of the top of your head. Imagine that something keeps just enough tension on that thread that your feet reach the ground comfortably. Let everything else (shoulders, arms, legs) just hang.
Actually I wouldn’t mind having a few of those rays. I have no problem with positive human interaction, but when I can’t walk one block without being stopped by people whom I really don’t want to talk with, ie really creepy drunk guys who ask me for change than hit on me, I wouldn’t mind avoiding some human contact.
Vampire, I don’t know you well enough but your OP sounded obvious to me.
This guy said ‘hi’ to you, so you obviously don’t repell people that much.
You said ‘hi’ back and got on with your buisness. That’s the minimum polite response, probably not in a pleasantly surprised tone of voice. Bad vibes. If you wanted a conversation you could have upped the stakes by saying ‘Hi. Nice day, isn’t it?’ or ‘How’s the food.’ Good vibes. That’s all there is to it, IMHO. (Next lesson we’ll deal with the third sentence )
Here bad vibes seem appropriate, but even weird old blokes in restaurants can be interesting to talk to. Go on, make someone’s day.
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