… from “American Me”:
You’re so cool I’m gonna call you “culo.”
Culo is Spanish for “ass.”
I remember a friend refering to one of our teachers as a "limp dick. It sort of suited him perfectly.
Some of my favourite lines from Blackadder (not all strictly insults)!
“Baldrick, you have all the artistic capabilities of a cluster of color-blind hedgehogs. In a bag.”
“They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.”
“Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?”
Brilliant. I will simply have to use this somewhere.
I was once privy to a comment (which I know came from a movie) as a spectator:
“Goddammit, you must have crawled into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking!!”
Marines can get away with this shit, while I can’t. 
Tripler
Marines kick ass.
Well, mine comes from the realm of Teendom. My younger sister and some of her friends were in my car, discussing just this subject. However, only one succeeded in making me laugh…
“Yo’ mamma got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook!”
The ghetto accent coming from a little, lily white tween was just about as funny…
A friend of mine was chatting to a guy about dancing. The guy said: “I have the grace of a cat” To which my friend promptly responded: “Yeah, a cat with a watermelon up its ass!”
You must’ve fallen into an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
something my dad used to say
" If his IQ was 1 point lower, he’d be a plant"
Just thought of two more
When my younger sis was in college she ‘experimented’
with interesting hair colors. One weekend she came home with a dark purple-ish color.
In her defense she said she had gotten a lot of compliments on her hair at work, to which my father replied, “yeah, but you work at the Lighthouse for the Blind” (well, we thought it was funny)
Another time Dad was getting a little impatient with this same sister’s boyfriend and their relationship. We go out to dinner and he’d come with, but my dad always paid. Finally he told her he wanted some sort of return on his investment, such as the pitter patter of little feet. Sister “If you want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I suggest you buy a hampster.”
“That guy is so dumb he can’t count up to 11 unless he unzips his fly.”
(May substitute “chick”, “12” and “unbuttons her blouse” if required)
Also useful: “He’s got his head stuck so far up his ass he can see out of his belly button!!”
HA!!
Well, it’s not the best I’ve ever heard, but I just caught it on “Waiting for God” and it made me giggle:
Diana (who else? She has all the good lines.), to Jane: “Geoffrey’s father is a few putters short of a golf bag.”
my fave:
“I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire…”
and
“Arguing with you is like running a race in the Special Olympics…because even if I win…I’m still retarded…”
(horribly non-pc, but funny)
Old Billy Wigglestick had his days.
from All’s well that ends well
from As you like it
from Coriolanus
from Henry IV Part 2
from Richard III
from The Tempist
from Timon of Athens
from Troilus and Cressida
from The Two Gentlemen of Verona
Just a few of the best
I was camping this weekend; on Sunday morning, people were sitting around nursing what they were calling hangovers (hey, they were up, and awake, and talking about it; how hung-over could they be?). Somebody walks up to the group, looks down at one guy, and says:
“Wow. You didn’t get any beauty sleep at all last night, did you?”
Gladstone is reported to have said of Disraeli, “When they circumsized him, they threw away the brightest bit.”
“Though he tortures the English language, he has never yet succeeded in forcing it to reveal its meaning” - JB Morton
I love that insult.
In the spirit of this, one I read once:
“His clothes looked as though they had been slept in for three days, which was odd, for he himself looked as though he had not slept at all in that same time.”
I think it was Asimov, but I can’t remember what story it would have been.
‘your awfully cute when you talking stupid like that!’ - crusty old redneck boss i used to have to a former coworker
One that popped into my head tonight as I watched a cow-orker be defeated by an office chair, “Opposable thumbs are wasted on you, aren’t they?”
There are two insults I have to share with you. One was from a particularly nasty co-worker (I swear nothing good ever happened to this woman!):
Go fuck yourself, and do it the hard way – don’t use your hands!
The other is one I’ve thought of but never been pushed hard enough to use:
So your life sucks and your lover don’t!
Actually, I keep thinking that could be the beginning of a good blues song.
CJ