Mods, please excuse or modify the profanity. I was considering starting this thread myself, but, given those two, I would have put it in the Pit.
The most scathing insult I have ever read: Michael O’Donoghue, writer for SNL, wrote a letter to the editor of a women’s magazine that cropped him out of a group photo they published. He told them “I would come down there and kick every one of you in the cunt if I didn’t think it’d ruin my shine.”
When I was twelve or thirteen, I used this one on my brother. I think I actually dropped my jaw after I said it, shocked that I could think of something so witty on the spur of the moment:
“Were you born stupid, or did you reach that state after many years of hard work and practice?”
And honestly, is there anything better than a well-timed “Yo Mama” crack? My favorite: “Yo Mama’s so stupid, they fired her from the M&M factory because she threw out all the W’s!”
Gold.
One of my favorites came from right here on the SDMB:
“You are the earwax without which any box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans would be incomplete.”
(Harry Potter reference, for those who don’t understand).
Well, in keeping with the forum, here’s one TV and one movie line:
The Simpson’s Groundskeeper Willie, subbing for the French teacher:
“Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys!”
Jim Belushi’s character in * About Last Night*, to Elizabeth Perkins:
“If you didn’t have a vagina there’d be a bounty on your head”
(I cleaned that one up a bit)
My favorite :
Jean Harlow meets Margot Asquith at a soiree.
Jean Harlow: ‘Why you’re Margott Asquith, aren’t you?’ (mistakenly pronouncing the ‘t’)
Margot Asquith: ‘No my dear, the ‘t’ in Margot is silent, as in Harlow.’
And something I found here while searching for the correct phrasing of the above quote:
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli: ‘I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease’.
Disraeli replied, ‘That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.’
From the Judge Parker soap-opera cartoon from 9/2/2002:
“I think the cheese has probably slipped off of your cracker.”
Can’t remember who said it. One of those throwaway characters that shows up occasionally.
If hate were people, I’d be China! - City Slickers
P1 - Do you have a match?
P2 - Yeah, I have a match… my butt and your face. -Rustler’s Rhapsody
After explaining something at work, one person wasn’t paying attention and asked the speaker to repeat it. The speaker looked at her and said, “I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget that sound doesn’t travel well in a vaccum.”
Having tested this out as a dare on a SO shortly before being whacked, this seems to be quite effective. From “The Omen”?
“Your mother sucks dicks in hell.”
Seemed to get a strong reaction.
As a dare from a significant other…
from william f. buckley (paraphrased):
“I would take your argument seriously, but to do so would insult your intelligence.”
Here’s a whole bunch from the king of one-liners, Bobby Heenan:
I was at a comedy club once (remember when people went to comedy clubs?) and there was a woman in the audience, sitting pretty close to the stage, talking louldly while a guy was doing his routine. He asked her to quiet down a couple times, but she just kept going.
Then he says, very somberly-like: “Miss, please, I’m just trying to do my job. I’m working up here. I mean, I don’t walk up to you while you’re working and pull the dick out of your mouth”.
“The Exorcist,” I think, not “The Omen.” And I think the quote is actually, “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!”
Which led to the SNL parody line: “Your mother sews socks that smell!”
At NYCDope last January, a bunch of us were on the subway when the subject of guns came up. One doper said “I try to become friends with anyone I know who has a gun, because I figure that lowers the chances I’ll get shot” To which I immediately replied “Yea, but after they get to know you, the chances go up dramatically”
Reminds me of a good one from Joes Pesci’s character in “Raging Bull”:
“Your mother sucks BIG FAT ELEPHANT DICKS”.
Superb.
A friend of mine (American) to an English soldier on 7/4/80 at Diego Garcia…
Why are you working? Don’t you know today is a holiday?
I was at a class the other day, and our professor was trying out some symbolism thing. She had a square, circle, triangle, and the letter z on the board. She then asked everyone to pick a shape that they “identified” best with.
One girl raised her hand when our professor asked for some responses. This girl babbled on for quite a lengthy period of time about herself and the circle that she identified with. I simply raised my hand and said “I think what she is trying to say, is that just like that circle, she has no point.”
Much cause for laughter, if i do say so myself.
Watership Down. I read it in high school. For anyone who doesn’t know, it’s about rabbits. (Yes, rabbits, and it’s a damn good story.)
The rabbits are on a quest to find a new home and settle down. They have their own language, and after reading the book you can figure out what they’re saying. (That, plus there was a glossary at the back.)
In any event, one of the rabbits says to an enemy rabbit “Silfay hraka, u embleer rah” which translates to “Eat shit, you stinking prince.”
Very nice, no explanation needed, since by that time of the book, you’ve picked up enough Lupine to know what they’re saying. It’s not the most original saying, but I liked it.
One of my favorite written slams of all time was in a Washington Post movie review for “Return to Me,” with Minnie Driver. Desson Howe wrote something along the lines of… “This movie does for romantic comedy what Stalin did for civil liberty.”