If you look down on your plate and there is anything that may have once had a mother…don’t eat it.
Leonard Wibberly was right. “Yes can be turned into No, and vicsa versa, if a sufficient ammount of wordage is applied to the problem.”
I might add: “Never accept a No from anybody who is not empowered to say Yes.”
Whenever you’re measuring honey, molasses, corn syrup, etc., make sure to spray the inside of the measuring cup with an oil spray,such as PAM. That way, the sticy mess will slide out of the measuring cup with no problem.
This weekend I learned the “secret” that drunks never, ever change.
And no, I don’t wanna talk about it.
As a young ruffian who plays loud music and drives too fast, the biggest secret of life I have discovered is that 99 times out of 100, the left lane is faster. Yeah, there’s a tractor trailer in front of you doing 64, but it’s because there’s a white Buick in the right lane doing 60. The Left lane is always faster.
Never let the bastards grind you down…
True art is art concealed.
With respect to clothes: Blue and green should never be seen.
- Nobody is good at something the first time they try it.
Therefore: - Everyone who is good at something, had to change something to become that good.
Therefore: - If you want to get better, you’ll have to change.
Therefore: - Admit it when you need to change, and then change promptly and firmly.
Corollary: - The only people who admit they need to change are the people who are secure with what they can already do; others deny or rationalize to compensate for perceived inferiority. Hence, relatively few people can break out of the cycle to reach the top.
“You will seldom experience regret for anything you haev done. It is what you haven’t done that will torment you.” -Wayne Dyer
Truer words never spoken.
Learning a foreign language can teach you an immense amount about your own language.
Nietzche had it backwards: that which does not make you stronger, kills you. Always try to learn new things, explore new places, and push yourself in new ways.
The difference between a novice and a wannabe: a wannabe wants to be an expert, a novice wants to become a expert.
Feeding the birds in winter makes you feel like Saint Francis.
Be alert not alarmed.
Keeping a good outlook may not solve all your troubles, but it will annoy enough people to make it worthwile.
Don’t take people for granted, try to listen to them and make friends no matter how pointless it may seem- treat people with respect and they will respect you back. Plus, you never know who’s going to go on a killing spree these days.
Categorized for your convenience:
Practical Secrets:
Hormel chili (w/o beans) and half a block of Velveeta cheese microwaved together make the best nacho dip. (IMHO)
If you want to really know how the magician did that seemingly impossible trick, don’t ask him. Instead go to the library. There you can find many books that have the secrets for most of what us magicians do. If you learn a few good tricks from there, you will find that magicians are VERY open to sharing secrets.
“Bonzi Buddy” is your computer’s enemy!
In the grand scheme of things
From my father-in-law: There are only two kinds of problems… Big ones and little ones. Little problems are the ones you can throw money at and they will go away (It doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $1 Million). Big problems are the ones where you CANNOT do that.
Driving - Never ever ever tailgate. If you keep 100 feet empty between you and the car ahead of you, it may seem like a very long distance, but you’re only a tiny amount of time behind that car.
Interactions with people - If someone does something that pisses you off, it only actually pisses you off it you let it piss you off. Someone can act like a jackass all they want, but it’s up to you whether it affects you. (Granted, this is easier said than done).
Relationships - Sadly, the evidence proves that I know jack about relationships 
Life in general - Absolutes are almost never correct.
Safety pin your socks together before you throw them into the laundry. You will be one of the few people who never experiences vanishing sock syndrome.
If there’s an unpleasant task that you know you will eventually have to do, do it first, do it now, and get it over with. Procrastinating just prolongs the agony.
Panic first, and then solve the problem.
The truth always bubbles to the surface.
Books are my friends so I try to surround yourself with lots of good friends.
Along the same lines, being well-read lets one participate in conversations with just about everyone.
Here’s a personal one: I was incredibly shy for most of my life. I still am but I found that when I ask questions as a method of taking the attention away from me, I become less self-conscious. That’s usually takes the edge off of my shyness and I think I come across as less shy and awkward.
Others have already chimed in on the really big topics (family, relationships, work, and cars), so here’s some minutia:
Write the dates that bills are due on the mailing envelopes they come in.
Go through the TV schedule on Sunday and circle or highlight the programs you don’t want to miss.
Even if you aren’t a navigational basket case like me, it’s always good to have a contact phone number on hand when venturing out to novel destinations.
Never apply abrasive gunk to remove gunk in the bathroom – it’s just extra expense, work, and rinsing. A spray bottle filled with white distilled vinegar (and sponge wipe-down) is a cheap, easy, e-friendly, and effective way to remove soap scum and mineral deposits on bathtub/tile/plastic shower curtain/plumbing surfaces.
Compact fluorescent lightbulbs are a really neat way to have your ambient lighting, without spiking electric bills or a lot of added heat.
Dusting and cleaning: the really important things to attend to are the big, bright, shiny surfaces that attract the eye (windows, mirrors, glass tabletops, the kitchen sink, etc.). The single most important thing to keep dust-free, if you can’t bother to do anything else? Your TV screen!
Don’t buy big garbage bags, unless you have a big family. Use a small bin, use the free grocery store bags, and take out the trash before it starts to smell.
Buying music: maintain shopping lists; if you’re at a loss, get to know a music obsessive (even a store clerk), tell 'em what you like, and get recommendations; check the used bins before paying retail, and try to get to a really great, world-class music store (the ones with vinyl stocks in the back and the scary, music-obsessive clerks) at least once a year.
Buying DVDs: Criterion editions are often worth the extra money and do have a way of going OOP (out of print), so if you really want it, go ahead and buy it. Everyone buys the much-hyped first season of a TV show when it comes out on DVD, including your friends. Buy the second or third season instead, so you can swap. And some libraries have DVD rentals, for a lot less than Blockbuster.
Chess: conserve pieces (avoid simple gambits) for a competitive advantage if you’re a good midgame player; castling is generally a good maneuver; to hell with conventional wisdom – knights really are better than bishops, and for a really wild time, try Fischer Random.
Billiards: a light, finessed touch is usually better, and keep in mind the defensive (ball placement) aspect of the game.
If you can appreciate the game on that level, college tickets are a much better value than pro. A college baseball game (provided you’re both interested) is a great cheap date, with a fair degree of novelty, and unlike a movie, you’re free to converse throughout – which makes it a great first date.
Many soups improve with a generous squeeze of lemon, but don’t ask me why.
A block of tofu with soy sauce and sesame oil is a tasty, cheap (buy it in an Asian grocery if possible), high-protein, low-fat meat substitute. If you want to live on the edge, garnish with finely-sliced scallions, grated ginger, and/or dried fish flakes.
Keep stocks of chocolate, and enjoy them without shame. A couple of candy bar segments don’t have nearly the fat and calories of a big slice of cake, a bowl of ice cream, or other paltry substitutes for the real thing.
If at all possible, never create a file called “passwords.xls”, or related, on a remote server at work. Sometimes refered to as your “home drive”. There are more crooked adminstrators than you think! Many people will put all of their info in these files (SSN#, account numbers, credit card info, etc…). Don’t be one of these people, it can ruin your life quickly, and you won’t even know about until a month later. And if you do have one of these files, password protect it now.
Smile and laugh often.
There is an easy thing to do, and a right thing to do. They are not always the same thing.
And from the perspective of someone who has had four major surgeries in four years, including, two transplants, an amputated foot, and a double nephrectomy:
I am alive.