There are plenty of really awful “message” songs that were released by people with something VERY SERIOUS to say.
“Once You Understand” by Think
“We Love You, Call Collect” by Art & Diane Linkletter
Also, “Seasons In The Sun”. Just because.
Dishonorable mentions:
“Billy, Don’t Be A Hero”
“Afternoon Delight”
“You Light Up My Life”
“Wildfire”
Starship - We Built This City on Rock and Roll
We Built This City” Named “Worst Song of the 1980s”
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Rolling Stone Readers’ Poll: The 10 Worst Songs of the 1980s:
Rap.
Anything country automatically qualifies. Pick one.
But the right answer is actually an entire album, inasmuch as it didn’t really have songs, created by a famous and popular performer: Lou Reed, Metal Machine Music. There will be people that claim that they genuinely enjoyed the album, but they’re lying. Four sides of feedback and grinding, soul-crushing noise is not something that is enjoyed. Rather, it is endured. Death metal is positively melodic compared to MMM.
I used to do a bad music episode of my radio show for Pledge Week. (I had to stop because I did such a good job that the complaint calls outnumbered the pledge calls.) ([URL=“http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=559416&highlight=radio+Arcade”]I even had a thread about it.](http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/4788104/ns/today-entertainment/t/we-built-city-dubbed-worst-song-ever/) Scroll to the end for my final playlist.)
“We Built This City” was an obvious call, but the one I found was not actually Starship. It was from one of those “inspired by the original artists” collections they used to put out with nearly identical re-recordings of hits.
This led to surprisingly intense debate over whether this was actually worse. On the one hand, it was a cheap copy of a horrible original. On the other, it didn’t have Grace Slick crapping out the last of her credibility on it.
Other standouts from my list include “The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me is You” by Bryan Adams and “Popozao” by Kevin Federline. I also liked the effect of gathering up a bunch of awful covers of a single song–in this case, “Smells Like Teen Spirit”–and throwing one of those in every few minutes.
Not many people agree with me, but I think one of the 20th century’s biggest crimes against music was “American Pie”. It’s hard to know the worst part–is it the overdone Boomer nostalgia? The painful pseudo-clever metaphors? Or the fact that it’s like 28 minutes long?
According to Slate Magazine, “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas is"…proof that a song can be so bad as to veer toward evil."
A couple of suggestions that I think were made as legitimate attempt at humor, or at least experimental. I think they’re not parodies, but YMMV.
I’m actually not sure if the band was a joke or what–they seem to be treated as early experimental purveyors of grunge and actually got some critical acclaim–but the song You Lost It by The Thrown Ups (published on the Sub Pop 200 compilation album) is absolutely dire.
The low-fi song Fume by Beck (b-side to the “Loser” single) is really bad. Beck obviously was trying to do… something with his music at the time, as part of the anti-folk movement. Again, not sure if he had his tongue planted firmly in cheek for this one, or if it was a legitimate attempt at experimental music.
Una casita en Canadá (the little house in Canada).
I am NOT linking to it from work; headphones or no headphones, it’s not something one should listen to without heavy doses of preventive WTF, even if one does not understand the lyrics (not that they make any sense in Spanish). Apparently intended as a children’s song, it became a pop hit (which shows the quality of Spanish pop c. 1961).
I first heard about it in 1989, when my parents were preparing their 25-anniversary celebration: Mom asked Dad (fully knowing he didn’t) whether he’d want a dance; he laughed and said “I’ll dance if you can get la casita en Canadá”. Turns out that, the first time they’d been at a dance with both sets of parents, that song kept being played: they must have danced to it a dozen times that night simply to escape the parental units.
Two hours later, the radio played it, at the request of someone else whose parents had come up with a similar memory :eek: and oh yeah, I had blank tapes… 
That must have been the fastest insertion of a tape ever.
You guys should have seen the look in Dad’s face when the song got mentioned during the celebration banquet and I said “excuse me!” and, with the room in utter silence, rose, walked to the restaurant’s sound system, popped a tape in and said “now, let it be said that we are not requiring Dad to dance. But…” and hit Play.
It sounds like someone trying to sing to a Merrie Melodies sound effects reel.
ETA: Nevermind, that might have been a cover.
ETAETA: Ouch, I think I found the original, I think I want to hunt down every single person involved. The worst part is that it’s catchy enough to get caught in your head.
If you found the Parchis version, it’s a cover. The original seems to be by a woman named Elder Barber (and I wonder whether that’s really her name and what was whomever picked it thinking, real or not).
Okay, the Elder Barber one is the one that sounds like a cartoon sound effects reel. The Parchis version is the catchier one that makes me want to hurt people.
Don’t say you weren’t warned
Honey, by Bobby Goldsboro, circa 1968
Sappy, pathetic song about a guys whos lovable doofus wife croaks.
Complete with violin and choral swell at the end.:(:(:(
Terry Jacks Seasons in the Sun only marginally outdone by Paper Lace The Night Chicago Died.
Need I mention Christie’s Yellow River?
Never Been To Me, by Charlene, is always my choice for worst song.
Anything autotuned, no question. It’s almost OK when used in hip-hop as just another effect, but when the vocalist can’t actually carry a tune and it’s used as a crutch there is no excuse.
This song has been discussed before in bad song threads, and justly so. As I pointed out in one of them, Bernie Freakin’ Taupin was one of the writers. I don’t think it’s possible to destroy the goodwill he built up over decades of creating fantastic songs with Elton, but he took one hell of a good stab at it. It’s just horrible. Even Grace Slick hates it, as your link pointed out.
My perennial contribution: Matthew Wilder’s, “Break my Stride.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cy46iOwWQiE](http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/4788104/ns/today-entertainment/t/we-built-city-dubbed-worst-song-ever/)
Insipid. Given the crap Taupin flung at us in “City”, I should check to see if he was involved in these classic lyrics:
If I don’t hear this again until the year 2525, I think I will survive.
Feelings is in the top 10. Make that the top 3.