What can I do about this? (Older man hitting on my child!)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
381

Great suggestions! I particularly noted the drama angle, probably because my oldest son was in drama all through high school (/proud mama/and won lots of gold medals at competitions /proud mama/) and is very, very hetero…the ensuing discussion makes me understand why he was so enthusiastic about drama class and drama club. :wink:

My daughter does love animals but isn’t keen on taking care of them (I’ve asked if she wanted to volunteer with me before) but I am digging the horse idea! She’s only even ridden horses a few times, but enjoyed that; and one of my sisters was very into horses as a teen (trained, took lessons, worked at stables) and it did seem to keep her well occupied, happy, and out of trouble. Not to mention that we live in Kansas…so there is no shortage of stables around here. I am really excited about this now. Heh…maybe I’ll go work at a stable just to get away from this for a while. :wink: Really though, I asked daughter (whose bio-mom has neither called nor picked her up for dinner) what she thought of the idea. She is still in a “pouty” phase after talking to the police (I do feel bad for her, it was a lot of personal stuff she had to talk about with an old man (in her eyes) she didn’t even know- that’s gotta be tough) so she was not as enthusiastic as I, but said it was something she might like to try.

So it’s not settled yet of course, but I am pulling up lists of stables that offer riding lessons for beginners. I figure maybe we can start there and maybe she will naturally progress into it. I’ll have to start calling around and figuring out a plan tomorrow I guess, but this is definitely a good start!

382

Yes, 7 year olds and 30 year olds are exactly the same. How stupid to draw legal lines.

383

I like this idea too, and it is something I have been feeling guilty about not doing. I volunteer with animals a lot but should really be doing more to help other people too; so it would kill two birds. :slight_smile: And since it is going to be a long school-less summer soon, we do need to have a good variety of things to keep her occupied and productive. There is a soup kitchen and a homeless shelter that I know of (and I am sure many that I don’t) where I can start finding out what needs to be done.

Thanks everyone, these suggestions are great. We’ll get her time filled yet. :slight_smile:

384

Ridiculous. If you get that from the OP’s posts than you live in a fantasy world.

385

Excellent! Some further advice: Ask around among your friends for references on any stables you look into. One bad comment isn’t necessarily a red flag (some people make their own bed of thorns anywhere they go, as you alas are well aware!) but be alert for warning signs suggesting that safety and oversight might be lacking. Also, when you have a short list of candidates, visit them unannounced (during their working hours, of course) to watch lessons and scope out the place in general. Is it relatively clean? Horses can be untidy creatures, but the animals should look well fed and well groomed and seem content with their life. If the aisles are cluttered, that suggests –

Oh, heck, there are so many things us horsey people could advise you about, but what really makes sense, if possible, is to pump your horse-loving sister for advice. If she isn’t aware of why you need it, no need to go into the gory details; just a simple, “XXXXX is interested in getting into horses; what can you tell me?” should get the ball rolling. Horse people love to tell nonhorse people all about it. :wink:

And you joke about getting into barnwork yourself, but seriously, it’s not a bad idea. Mucking a stall or grooming a horse is not just a good workout; it’s the kind of task that engages just enough of your mind to keep you engaged in the job, yet leaves much of it free to ponder, muse, cogitate and ruminate. And when you’re done and the stall is tidy, the horse’s coat is gleaming, it’s mighty satisfying.

Even though you know the critter will promptly poop, pee, and roll in any available mud to undo all your hard work. :wink:

So, yes, do look into it. Who knows? It may be that a horse’s gentle snuffling into her neck, its soft whicker when it sees its favorite human, its meek obedience to her commands, its tremendous power bending to her lightest touch, will give her some of what she’s lacking in her life that has been driving her to such desperate actions. And when she’s feeling down and being kicked around by life, well, hugging a horse’s neck and crying into its mane and telling it all her woes while it loves her back unconditionally is a great help.

386

I get a feeling that EddyTeddyFreddy likes horses. :slight_smile:

387

Ya think?

388

But you’re not biased or anything… :smiley:

389

Hmph. Certainly not.

390

In my state, a teen girl who gets pregnant is considered to be an emancipated minor as far as medical care goes, and the parents have no input in their medical care. This is to help girls who want an abortion when their parents would not be the type to allow it, but it backfires on parents whose daughters think that if they have a baby to love them all their problems would be solved.

391

One piece of advice I do need to offer on the riding idea:

I’d look for a stable that’s fairly low-key about showing, at least to start off. If you check out a place and get the vibe that showing is a big deal, it might not be a good environment for your daughter, what with the pressure that can come along with competitiveness. Nothing wrong with showing, but for now anyway, it should be just another fun thing to do with horses rather than a life-or-death matter.

ETA: Well, actually, there can be a lot wrong with showing, but that’s a whole 'nother topic and I’ve hijacked the discussion enough as it is. :wink:

392

Parenting is something you can’t measure by outcomes. It’s entirely possible to do everything right as a parent, and still have the kid not turn out the way you’d like. It’s also possible to make all kinds of awful mistakes and still have the kid turn out OK.

According to Freakonomics, Ted Kaczynski’s parents were “smart, solid, encouraging, loving parents who stressed education and family”. Jeffrey Dahmer had a fairly normal childhood. Roland Fryer, an economist and the youngest black person ever to get tenure at Harvard, had an absent mother and a father who beat him, and was a gangster in his teens. There are other examples of people who survive all kinds of abuse as children and become reasonably well-functioning adults. There are parents who tried hard to introduce their kids to a wide range of foods and still ended up with a picky eater, parents who took every opportunity to show their kids the value of hard work who still ended up with a lazy kid, parents who emphasized the value of reading who ended up with a kid who never voluntarily opens a book, and so on.

A lot of people would like to think that kids’ outcomes in life are determined by parenting, since that would give them some control over how their kids turn out. But it just ain’t so. We don’t live in the just world, where bad things only happen to people who did something to deserve them. If we did live in the just world, you would know that you did something wrong to deserve to have this happen to your daughter. But in the world we live in, where bad things happen to good people, you don’t know that.

393

Knocked a zero off that figure when I read it and had a “What kind of horses are *you *riding?” moment. :smack:

Unless this is something she choses, it’s going to feel like punishment, at least at first. All the work of a job… without a paycheck she can play around with. Volunteer work has its own rewards, without question, but only if you’re in the frame of mind to appreciate them.

My little bro went to the same university I did, and I convinced him to work at the same campus coffeeshops as me partially by pointing out that he’d be vastly outnumbered by women. Sure enough, a couple years later he was a student manager, and hired a young lady who is now my sister-in-law. :smiley:

394

I was going to add to this: I’d go the route of Implanon and the like over an IUD, even if you can find a provider who’d give her an IUD*-- having a string that goes directly from vaginal canal to uterus via the cervix dramatically increases the chance of her contracting something awful STI-wise compared to other forms of “don’t have to think about it” birth control.

*At 24, I had people refuse me an IUD because I was nulliparous, and at 25, I was only granted one because I was in a monogamous relationship and on my way to being married. I don’t think there’s a doctor anywhere near me who’d give a promiscuous 13 year old an IUD, let alone a sane one. I wouldn’t give her one with those circumstances, but would emphasize options like Implanon or the Depo shot.

If I were in your situation, I would do anything I could to convince the judge to cut off visitation for WombDonor, as she seems to be a big part of where this unstable behavior/urges are coming from and focus on getting your daughter involved in healthy activities she enjoys. Though it’s perfectly normal for her to have sexual urges at 13, it’s not okay for her to be seeking out sexual attention from people that much older than her. I’d be more comfortable with the idea of her being in a sexual relationship with a 15 year old, but 13 is still a little young to be regularly sexually active. If it were merely an issue of her finding a sexual outlet, I’d volunteer an offer of getting her a sex toy or something she can use on her own, but that’s not the case here. Definitely invest some time into trying to get her into some social activity that’s productive and not oriented toward sexual behavior; I’d definitely go for the horse stable idea, and encourage her to work in exchange for her stable time. Some stables will barter with some of their students that way, while others will still require some fees on top of the work-study trade.

395

Words of wisdom. And I hope they aren’t overlooked in the desparate need, born of love and honest responsibility.

It’s easy to disregard this message because nobody likes to think that they don’t have control over situations which frighten us. But the truth is that sometimes we don’t.

Teenage children are a gift because they teach us this lesson - that we don’t have control, short of absolute bondage, over another human being. If we are willing to learn the lesson they offer we will probably have less entanglements with other humans. And may, finally be rewarded with working relationships with our children later in life when we have let go of control and they have let go of fighting control.

Two thoughts which helped me get through those tough years were (and are:)

  1. I can’t take responsibility for another human’s behavior as a reflection of my worth. But I can support them while they suffer the useful consequences of their behavior.

  2. I made some pretty big, dumb mistakes. But there is a lot of grace in this world and I came out of it all fairly intact. Why wouldn’t I expect the same grace for my teen?

Hope this helps.

396

I think all this stuff about hobbies and horses and whatnot is fairly pointless as long as the source of the problem is still in the picture. You can do an amazing job with your daughter but as long as bio mom is around she will have issues.

397

I disagree. I’m a volunteer coordinator, and I’ve done some work with teens. As long as the teen volunteers are supervised and given some real work to do - and especially if they get to meet/see the real people who are being helped - they understand why they are there and why they aren’t getting paid.

398

Are these volunteer-volunteers, though, or kids who are being shoved into it long-term to keep them out of trouble? Pardon my bluntness, but MitzeKatze’s daughter isn’t exactly a beacon of maturity at this stage in her life. Being pushed into volunteer work that she didn’t sign up for has, IMO, at least the potential to make her resentful, at least in the short term.

399

Look, I suggested that MitzeKatze should go with her daughter to volunteer for the first time or two to make sure it’s a good experience for her daughter. No one said it should be a long-term commitment, either. I’ve seen sullen teens who are only there to volunteer because they have to complete a community service requirement. Sometimes feeding the homeless, or helping a teen mom find some donated clothes for her baby or herself, is enough reality to reach even a sullen teenager. Sometimes, though, the teen volunteers are just there to chat and fool around until it’s time to leave (this is why supervision is important). I think it’s worth a try.

400

Ye gods…I made it through the thread!

Having a 15 year old stepdaughter of my own with similar issues (thankfully I’m married to bio-mom and bio-dad has never been in her life), I salute your efforts on her behalf.