What constitutes "hitting on" someone?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

[QUOTE=Zeriel]

And on an unrelated note, I STILL need to figure out how to politely flirt with the cute clerk at the local video rental place. =P
[/QUOTE]

Volunteer to rewind her. Do this while scoping out her chest and ass–you know, the big once over. Wink at her and nudge her twice while chortling suggestively. Drool, if possible.
That ought to do it. Oh, you weren’t looking for a free ride in a police car? Well, then, I’d just smile nicely at her and ask her an innocuous question about a movie or her work…
tdn– I confess to not quite following you there. You might be on flight of fancy and winging it, but I am firmly on the ground scratching my head here. 1. Librarians don’t wear bikinis (I think there is legislation concerning this issue, but it might be limited to municipal code) and 2. any pictures of librarians taken whilst they are in appropriate bathing attire causes the film to melt instantly in the camera. Cecil did a column about it years ago. I thought everyone knew that!
ETA: oh, dear lord. Please tell me Finger Paint girl is of legal age. <closes eyes and crosses fingers>

82

All these comments remind me of past discussions of sexual harrassment in the workplace. Whether it is or isn’t is solely determined by the recipient – the key term is “unwelcome”.

My experience in life tells me I’m a terrible judge of whether a woman will be receptive. Actually, that’s not correct. My experience is that if I unambiguously ask a woman for a date, the answer will be no. But if I put in some wiggle room so it can be interpreted as someting else, I might conceivably get a yes. Like if I say, “Some of us are going to do X, or see Y. You want to come along?”

I hate this. I’m pretty much out of the dating pool because of it. First of all, I’m pretty much a loner, and I don’t do group things, and I have few opportunites to issue such invitations. Second, if I’m interested in a woman, I feel this is somewhat deceptive – like I’m pretending to do something else lure her near me, when the whole point is to get to know her.

I can think of two reasons I get rejected so often. One is that I’m just not attractive, period, end of story. The other is that many women simply can’t handle directness without a bunch of dancing-around-preliminaries, and perhaps they worry I’ll be groping at them by dessert.

Please continue with your your many contradictory posts. It is somewhat comforting to see so much disagreement – it means there isn’t a universally agreed protocol to these things on the memo that I missed reading.

83

Well, Boyo, there’s direct and then there’s direct. Walking up to a stranger and saying, “I want to fuck you” will get you arrested or beaten up.

Let’s face it: life is euphemism, at least most of the time. You don’t say “I’m going to defecate now” to others and then leave the room, do you?

Sure, the game of human cat and mouse can be burdensome and sometimes a PIA, but contemplating life without it–all hooking up and nothing else–blech. (ok, I realize I might have just described some guys’ dream there, but is it, really? I mean forever and ever to just hook up? No intimacy, no laughter, no playfulness, no relationship, ever? If so, please don’t get to know me better–you sound scary).

You can call it indirect and manipulative or you can look at it another way: asking indirectly lets BOTH parties save some face and provides so time and room for negotiation. It’s diplomacy at the romantic level.

84

[QUOTE=eleanorigby]
tdn– I confess to not quite following you there. You might be on flight of fancy and winging it, but I am firmly on the ground scratching my head here. 1. Librarians don’t wear bikinis (I think there is legislation concerning this issue, but it might be limited to municipal code) and 2. any pictures of librarians taken whilst they are in appropriate bathing attire causes the film to melt instantly in the camera. Cecil did a column about it years ago. I thought everyone knew that!

ETA: oh, dear lord. Please tell me Finger Paint girl is of legal age. <closes eyes and crosses fingers>
[/QUOTE]

Watch it, missy. I’m dating a (school) librarian. And she’s kind of cute.

And yes, Finger Paint Girl is of legal age. But her students aren’t.

(What’s really scary is that half of the women I know these days have similar job descriptions. I’m predicting a really busy summer.)

85

[QUOTE=eleanorigby]
tdn– I confess to not quite following you there. You might be on flight of fancy and winging it, but I am firmly on the ground scratching my head here. 1. Librarians don’t wear bikinis (I think there is legislation concerning this issue, but it might be limited to municipal code) and 2. any pictures of librarians taken whilst they are in appropriate bathing attire causes the film to melt instantly in the camera. Cecil did a column about it years ago. I thought everyone knew that!
[/QUOTE]

Hey! I resemble those remarks!!

86

How many librarians are on this board? Maybe we should do a poll…
I am almost a librarian, but I don’t wear bikinis (personal preference). I am a wee bit concerned re the um, fashion sense of the librarians I’ve dealt with in RL. I’m not the puffy kitten on the sweatshirt type. :eek:
Sorry. Have strayed from flirting.

87

[QUOTE=eleanorigby]
I am almost a librarian, but I don’t wear bikinis (personal preference).
[/QUOTE]

I think I’m starting to get an idea of how you look, just from your posts.

No bikini. Got it. Like it.

Your preferred underwear is pink and frilly. You have a tramp stamp. This is all covered up with a knee-length black wool skirt and a conservative white blouse buttoned all the way up to your neck. You wear sensible shoes. You have several Bandaids on your legs. Your hair is pulled up into a sort of anal-retentive bun. Your glasses are those kind of ugly plastic horn-rimmed things that went out of style in the early 60s, and are held secure around the back of your neck by one of those geeky librarian lanyards. You smell like mimeograph ink. You never smile, because doing so would reveal that you not only have a personality, but multiple tongue peircings.

It takes half a Zima to get you up on a blackjack table in Vegas, dancing like like a wild librarian, and before you know what hit you, that top blouse button has come undone. And you’re OK with that, because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

And you are in Vegas A LOT.

88

[QUOTE=tdn]

Your preferred underwear is pink and frilly. You have a tramp stamp. This is all covered up with a knee-length black wool skirt and a conservative white blouse buttoned all the way up to your neck. You wear sensible shoes. You have several Bandaids on your legs. Your hair is pulled up into a sort of anal-retentive bun. Your glasses are those kind of ugly plastic horn-rimmed things that went out of style in the early 60s, and are held secure around the back of your neck by one of those geeky librarian lanyards. You smell like mimeograph ink. You never smile, because doing so would reveal that you not only have a personality, but multiple tongue peircings.

It takes half a Zima to get you up on a blackjack table in Vegas, dancing like like a wild librarian, and before you know what hit you, that top blouse button has come undone. And you’re OK with that, because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

And you are in Vegas A LOT.
[/QUOTE]

:eek: Where is the hysterically laughing smiley?

Let’s take this one at a time (I’ve got all day–I have to write a paper on gender issues in librarianship; I’ll do almost anything to avoid that)

  1. I prefer white cotton briefs–I don’t do frilly anything, ever.

  2. I have a decided distaste for tattoos (for me). (And my date).

  3. I rarely wear skirts, and if I do, they are not long ones, but if I did, I’d wear it with Chuck Taylors (if I was young and cute) or Doc Marten’s. I don’t own a white blouse. (although there are some that I like). I don’t understand the need for collar buttons for women’s blouses.

  4. I wear sensible shoes. Guilty as charged and proud of it. Perhaps “sensible” should be defined.

  5. No band aids (what would they be from? Shaving mishaps?) :confused:

  6. Hair bun–as if. Not likely.

  7. Only reading glasses, and the heavy plastic is IN right now. No lanyard–there is a room in hell just filled with lanyards.

  8. You’re showing your age! But I love the smell of mimeographs–and such a pretty purplyblue. I smell like Calvin Klein’s “Happy” (or maybe it’s Clinique–I’m not so good with the designer label stuff).

  9. I smile a lot and have no tongue piercings (see tattoos).

  10. I know how to play Blackjack, but I never double down, and I’ve never had a desire to go to Vegas.

  11. I don’t drink Zima and am not sure what it is. Sambuca on the rocks, please.

  12. I shudder to envision dancing, drunk, unbuttoned librarians…
    Two can play this game, so here goes. I see you as a tall, bespectacled, madras shirted, khakied pantsed male of middling 40s. A bit of gray tinges your hair which is thick and wavy. You used to be quite athletic but now settle for an occasional softball game. You like to play chess and Risk and read The People’s Almanac from cover to cover when it was first published. You look to all the world a respectable, even staid, adult male, but underneath you’re wearing silk boxers and have a killer game of poker. :wink:

89

But how often to you go nuts in Vegas?

90

[QUOTE=Zeriel]

More clearly, a scenario: You’re at a cocktail party somewhere, holding a plate of some food in your left hand. Your husband is talking about something with some buddies across the room, and a guy strikes up a conversation–it’s fun, low-key flirty, and friendly. Then he makes a comment that’s obviously testing the waters to see if you’re interested–is that creepy, or does it only become creepy after you set down the plate (making your wedding ring visible) or otherwise indicate your status and he continues or doesn’t apologize?
[/QUOTE]
Normally I’d just mention the fact I’m married at that point. If he apologises/makes a joke/changes the subject and we go back to a nice conversation, no problem.

Its not generally creepy to make the comment, but it depends on the comment. If the comment makes the conversation uncomfortable or is outright crude then he’s a creep (unwanted eye-touching falls into this category :smiley: ) If he carries on regardless after he knows I’m married then he’s a creep - either he’s expecting me to break my marriage vows or he’s deliberately trying to make me uncomfortable. Neither are nice things to do.

The easy measure of a creep - if I tell my husband what he said, can we all laugh about it, or will the guy be avoiding him for the rest of the evening?

91

[QUOTE=Boyo Jim]
But how often to you go nuts in Vegas?
[/QUOTE]

Who? I don’t do Vegas. Vegas is a state of mind. :cool:

tdn has probably closed Vegas down, he’s such a courtesan! :smiley:

92

[QUOTE=eleanorigby]
Two can play this game, so here goes. I see you as a tall, bespectacled, madras shirted, khakied pantsed male of middling 40s. A bit of gray tinges your hair which is thick and wavy. You used to be quite athletic but now settle for an occasional softball game. You like to play chess and Risk and read The People’s Almanac from cover to cover when it was first published. You look to all the world a respectable, even staid, adult male, but underneath you’re wearing silk boxers and have a killer game of poker. :wink:
[/QUOTE]

You are exactly wrong on every single item but one. My hair is indeed thick and wavy. And I can’t stand to see you be right about that one. I’m on my way out the door to tell a cute Asian hairstylist to take it off, take it all off, baby.

And then I’m off to buy some dancin’ shoes. They work so well on the softball field.

And stay out of my underwear drawer. It’s bordering on creepy that you know that about me.

“Gender issues in librarianship”? That’s HAWT.

93

[QUOTE=tdn]
You are exactly wrong on every single item but one. My hair is indeed thick and wavy. And I can’t stand to see you be right about that one. I’m on my way out the door to tell a cute Asian hairstylist to take it off, take it all off, baby.

And then I’m off to buy some dancin’ shoes. They work so well on the softball field.

And stay out of my underwear drawer. It’s bordering on creepy that you know that about me.

“Gender issues in librarianship”? That’s HAWT.
[/QUOTE]

I believe that makes 3 things I was right about: hair, boxers (I prefer my men to wear boxers) and softball… were you yanking my chain about the softball?

Cutting your hair? :eek: But whatever will I run my fingers through? :wink:

No khakis? No madras plaid? Fine by me.

What kind of dancing?

94

My take:

Flirting: adding playful romantic or sexual implications to conversations or actions (for example, doing the lip-biting thing when you see someone across the room, just to be silly). Flirting often happens in the course of casual conversation, for example a group of friends sitting around in a bar. The people involved may or may not actually have any attraction to each other–that isn’t assumed in the definition. You can flirt with anybody.

Hitting on: one person making conversation specifically for the sake of trying to pursue a romantic or sexual connection with another person. This often but not always occurs outside of the context of a normal conversation. For example, approaching someone in a bar or other setting (whether they know them or not) and striking up a conversation with the intention of trying to make that person attracted to you.

Making a pass: similar to hitting on but involves an attempt at physical contact.

None of these is inherently wanted or unwanted, reciprocated or unreciprocated. You can be thrilled that the guy you have a crush on comes over to you at a party and starts hitting on you. Or makes a pass at you. You can be annoyed that the weirdo at the office keeps flirting with you. Etc etc etc.

95

[QUOTE=Cluricaun]
Ah, but you do have intentions, you’re expecting a response to that, aren’t you? You can’t just drop that and walk away from it, there’s going to be some sort of reponse, ergo it’s hitting on.
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Disagree. I have both given and received completely innocent compliments like that. I told a woman once that I thought she had amazing facial bone structure, and that as an artist it was the kind of face that would make an awesome painting. I commented once on a (classmate) guy’s really long eyelashes. All kinds of things like that. I can totally see telling someone they have beautiful eyes and not meaning ANYTHING by it other than to let them know you think they have nice eyes.

96

[QUOTE=tirial]
No, I have read it. If we are having a nice conversation and then you say I have beautiful eyes, the conversation ends right then. Obviously we do not want the same things out of this conversation, and its not a nice conversation anymore. If you then ask to touch my eyes, I call security, and leave. You’ve stopped being a new friend and started being a creepy stranger with an agenda.
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I have to assume that you have no sense of humor whatsoever. To me the situation could be a guy gives you a compliment, notes that it makes you feel awkward, and then makes a ridiculous joke to lighten the tension. If you honestly would take the “can I touch them” line as ANYTHING besides someone just trying to be funny, then…just, wow.

Clearly, context and delivery is everything–I’m not saying that the scenario would be impossible to do in a creepy way. I just think that as it was given in example, it was in a playful, nonthreatening, noncreepy way (as has been clarified repeatedly by the one who gave the example).

Anyway, for me it would not be a romantic line, certainly, but it would show that the guy has a silly, funny side, and I generally find that very attractive. I like a guy who can say random silly things and be goofy. In fact, a guy not possessing that quality is pretty much a dealbreaker for me.

[QUOTE=eleanorigby]

  • I had a lesbian come on to me strongly in our biology lab freshman year in college. She looked just like Vivien Leigh, too. (not that I had people coming on to me all the time like this thread seems to imply…)
    [/QUOTE]

That reminded me of a weird thing that happened to me once at a club in Atlanta. It was 80s night and I was having a great time. I was standing at the bar when this girl (not unattractive or anything) who I’d briefly spoken with earlier came up to me… and started kissing me and trying to make out with me. It was really awkward. I didn’t just shove her away because I didn’t want to make her feel bad, but I did break off the kiss as soon as I could and find an excuse to move elsewhere. That was really, really weird. I’d say: a little too strong of a come-on.

97

[QUOTE=eleanorigby]
I believe that makes 3 things I was right about: hair, boxers (I prefer my men to wear boxers) and softball… were you yanking my chain about the softball?

Cutting your hair? :eek: But whatever will I run my fingers through? :wink:

No khakis? No madras plaid? Fine by me.

What kind of dancing?
[/QUOTE]

OK, let’s get this all straightened out.

Tall? Yes

Bespectacled? No, but I probably should be, especially with fine print. It’s pretty embarassing to go to a fancy wine bar, hold the menu out at arm’s length, and then order the house red.

I have no idea what a madras shirt is, but I might own one.

No khakies at this time.

I suspect that the teeny tiny hairs that I just had shaved off had one or two gray ones, but we’ll never know, right?

I’ve never been athletic, but I am now. I suck at softball, so I never play it.

I haven’t played chess or Risk in years. But I do play geeky games.

What’s The People’s Almanac?

Ballroom. And damn, the shoes were expensive.

While I was there, I decided to get a pair of dress shoes that don’t make me look like a complete dork. When I tried them on, the sales girl started talking about all of the qualities she finds attractive in a man. “Eez thee shoes and thee feengernails. Eez not thee car or thee money. Eez thee feelings, yi yi yi!”

I think she was hitting on me.

98

[QUOTE=OpalCat]
I have to assume that you have no sense of humor whatsoever. To me the situation could be a guy gives you a compliment, notes that it makes you feel awkward, and then makes a ridiculous joke to lighten the tension. If you honestly would take the “can I touch them” line as ANYTHING besides someone just trying to be funny, then…just, wow.
[/QUOTE]

See, I MIGHT find it creepy if a guy said that to me, not because I don’t have a sense of humor, or because I think he really wants to touch my eyes…more because it just seems like he’s trying too hard. Like, he probably read “The Game” and really wants to come off as cool and slightly insulting in his pick up technique, and it just sort of makes me want to roll my eyes.

99

Ok, but you’d still think “ok, guy trying to hard to make a joke” not “OMG HE WANTS TO TOUCH MY EYES!!! SECURITY!!!” right?

100

[QUOTE=tdn]
OK, let’s get this all straightened out.

Tall? Yes

Bespectacled? No, but I probably should be, especially with fine print. It’s pretty embarassing to go to a fancy wine bar, hold the menu out at arm’s length, and then order the house red.

I have no idea what a madras shirt is, but I might own one.

No khakies at this time.

I suspect that the teeny tiny hairs that I just had shaved off had one or two gray ones, but we’ll never know, right?

I’ve never been athletic, but I am now. I suck at softball, so I never play it.

I haven’t played chess or Risk in years. But I do play geeky games.

What’s The People’s Almanac?

Ballroom. And damn, the shoes were expensive.

While I was there, I decided to get a pair of dress shoes that don’t make me look like a complete dork. When I tried them on, the sales girl started talking about all of the qualities she finds attractive in a man. “Eez thee shoes and thee feengernails. Eez not thee car or thee money. Eez thee feelings, yi yi yi!”

I think she was hitting on me.
[/QUOTE]

You’re my age (well, you’re older by one year) and you don’t know about the People’s Alamanac? Here ya go: Pic of the book

It tried to be THE encyclopedia back in the 1970s. It’s the sort of source that Dopers would have perused and found many, many mistakes and then (of course) been very very happy. Kind of the like the Trivial Pursuit of reference sources.

Ballroom dance? <growls> I don’t dance. I have always wanted to learn. I grew up watching Fred and Ginger movies. And I have to agree with oddly accented sales girl: it EES the shoes and the nails for me as well. (I think she was flirting). :wink:

Here is a madras shirt: They’re real comfy on hot days

I like madras, but it is easily overdone or done wrong–then you look like a geek reject. (not YOU, just you in general).

I also got my haircut recently. And yes, there were gray hairs. <sigh>