Along the same lines, I’ve often wanted to use a branding iron to burn the word stupid into some people’s foreheads. You know, to warn others.
When I get my PhD (still quite a few years away, but I’ll get there) I’d like to make thousands of copies of my diploma and dump them on the front lawns of people who told me I’d never make it. But with my name on there and everything, I’d probably be in a bit of trouble.
Also, there are a few people who I could easily destroy (or blackmail), because of what I know about them. I could probably call up the government and have my ex’s new girlfriend deported, for example. But I won’t. Because I’m better than that. For now.
We play “Hey Cow” all the time. Slow down as you pass a farm, roll down a window, and yell “Hey Cow cow cow!!” at the top of your lungs. Count how many cows turn to look at you quizzically. Repeat for several farms, with all passengers taking turns. The one to get the most blank bovine stares is the winner.
I want to rob a bank. I really do. I really, really do.
I want to rob a bank so that I’d have the money to make a movie.
The best way to do it, I figure, is to approach the bank manager and tell him that we want to film a movie in his bank, a movie about some guys that want to film in a bank so that, at the pivotal bank-robbing scene, they can actually rob the bank… and when we get to the pivotal bank-robbing scene, WE’LL actually rob the bank.
Sometimes I see these trucks drive past marked “Hiller Plumbing Supply” in red letters. Next to the words is a big yellow smiley face.
I sometimes think of all the havoc I could wreak with a couple well-placed additions, namely a short horizontal red line, and a small black filled-in rectangle.
Let me introduce… the “Midnight Fertiliser”. Taking containers of soil, seeds, and home-generated compost, he picks up his tools and creeps out of the apartment at 3AM. His target is excessively-paved traffic islands and boulevards that are gasping for care. He rips up asphalt, installs topsoil and compost, and plants wildflower meadows.
There are so many streets that could use this attention.
I’d also like to print up a whole bunch of stickers that say things like, “Waste of time” and “Sexist trash” and You actually believe this?" and “Get a life!” and then stick them to the front of all the supermarket tabloids and so-called “women’s magazines” that infest the checkout lanes of my local supermarket. Publications dealing with celebrities and diets would be especially targeted.
I’d like to take an EMP silencer weapon to cars whose sound systems are turned up too loud, and whose owners have done nothing to take care of how crappy it sounds outside the car. Vehicles with buzzes or rattles would be targeted first.
Another fantasy involves lots of enthusiastic sex with plump curvy women… wait, that’s not criminal mischief, just unlikely.
drwebert, I don’t get yours. Horizontal red line?
MaxTheVool, I’m with you on the bully patrol. If we can do it invisibly, so much the better.
Tower Dweller, people definitely have not exploited the network virus concept for all it can yield. Successful parasites do not disable their hosts; our current viruses evidently aren’t all that successful. What could we do with a virus that adapts itself to the host and tries to ‘play nice’ while performing its task? Hmm…
For sheer mischief, I’ve always wanted to replace all the streets signs (1st through 108th Avenues) here in Oakland in reverse order preferably on the night before April Fools Day.
I also fantasize about following people who don’t use their turn signals, just until they stop somewhere, then walking up and ripping out the stalk, hell it’s not like they need it.
My orginal idea was for installing a missile launcher in my car for idiot drivers, but that seemed a little messy and counter productive. Now I’m thinking paintball gun, with a little graphical dispay so that I can aim it correctly. The added bonus is that unless someone sees it happen, you’d likely get off scott-free.
I once overheard my son and his friends talking about annoyances. My son said they should have sniper towers in shopping malls.
“If old people are walking too slowly, the sniper can videotape evidence and then shoot them.”
“Isn’t that a bit harsh? Death for being slow.”
“No, they’d only aim for the lower half of the body, and what you’ve never heard of rubber bullets?”
I suggested a more humane solution was moving walkways that moved away from the doors at just less than the minimum permitted speed. If you can’t get up to speed you never get in.
I want to folloe the bastards who pass me in the right lane going 20 to 30 mph over the speed limit hime. Wait till they are asleep then rip out the gas pedal and connecting linkage from their car.
The annoying people who weave and swerve while talking on the cell phone… I would like to wire in a cellphone jammer inside their dash so they never drive while talking.
The jerks who weave in and out of lanes trying to get ahead of everyone I want to break into their cars at night and steal the steering column.
The little heathens down the steet… I want to place termite bombs on their eingines that go off when the car is started… not wanting to do them physicla harm, but to see those damn cars after the engine melted into a puddle would be nice.
better stop now this is turning into a rant
Fantasies about messing with rude people’s cars remind me of a time when the neighbor kid and I actualy did get back at a rude person by messing with her car.
I was 11 and the neighbor kid about 14 or 15. We had just bought pop and chips at the grocery store and this big cow of a woman bumped me while she was entering and we were leaving, knocking the glass bottle out of my hands.
Luckily, it didn’t break, but she didn’t utter any sort of apology to me and indeed muttered some sort of insult to the neighbor kid that I didn’t quite hear.
Neighbor Kid said," I saw that old cow get out of a '59 Chevy. She left the window down. I wonder if she locked the ignition." For those unfamiliar with old Chevies, many had an ignition switch that didn’t require a key unless it was in the “Lock” position. Seven years later, I owned a '54 that could be taken in and out of "Lock"with a pocket knife.
Old Cow put the switch in “Lock” but left the keys in it! What luck !
Neighbor kid started the car and drove it slowly around back by the loading dock.
He wasn’t any good with a clutch. I thought we’d be caught, for sure, but we weren’t.
We decided to lock the ignition,then lock the keys in the trunk. We then hung around to watch the “fun” from a safe distance.
That’s almost precisely the plot of a really great French Canadian film (the title of which I’ve completely forgotten, dammit.) A wild young girl borrows a bunch of gear from her film-director uncle (Maybe played by Denys Arcand?) in a scheme to rob a bank. If I remember right, most of the crew was unaware they were filming an actual robbery. Anyone remember this? Stand-out scenes include the girl’s friend barging into her shower and masturbating on her, and a charwoman blithely using a floor-buffing machine around several people who get shot during the robbery.
