Yeah; I didn’t start smoking until my 30’s, but I have made friends and, literally, got a job that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t smoked. Interesting stuff.
I’m a bit of an introvert, but will step up if someone else does, first. So I tend to react, rather than act. Except if someone else is even shyer than I am. Somehow that makes ME make the first step, maybe 'cause I know how hard it is.
That’s all I’ve got.
Ok, I’ll bite.
You already “do” things to make people like you. We all do. We are the product of our social environment and we follow it’s rules because we get an emotional reward from social interaction.
It can be a goal because we are humans which are social animals and it’s built into our very core.
If we were sharks then we probably would not try to make other sharks like us, but we are not sharks.
I’m like Kurtz. A polymath.
If you’re content, then, sure, nothing. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
I had thought the point of the thread stemmed from discontent, a kind of cry for help. “What can I do to make my life better” in this particular respect.
If your encounters with new acquaintances tend to go badly…then it might be a good idea to study what to do to change this.
My view is that things are never so good that they couldn’t be better, and so I pay a lot of attention to advice threads like this. I put a lot of effort into doing the things people recommend.
Being a good listener is, in my opinion, number one on this hit parade. Whether you want to call it “doing” something, or “being” something, I dunno. Little of both, maybe. Listen to others well enough, so that you, in fact, become a good listener.
Good listeners are less likely to make gross errors and faux pas (what is the plural of faux pas? (Ah! Found it: it’s the same, but pronounced slightly differently: you actually pronounce the “s” in “pas.”) Good listeners are slightly more aware of context, and that helps them avoid blunders. (There is no such thing as immunity!)
Good listeners are better able to apply the second-level or meta “Golden Rule” – treat people the way they want to be treated! When you can do that, you have a strong head-start in being liked!
Sexual favors.
Honestly, I no longer *want *people to like me. I want to keep communication polite, minimal and to the point, and for them stay the heck to out of my way. I can’t stand most people, and the feeling is clearly mutual, so it’s better for everyone if we just leave each other alone. Only two people are exempt from this rule, and they seem to like me for some reason without me having to try.
You know those cranky, moody, gloomy, antisocial bastards you run into now and then? That’s me, and I’ve come to embrace it.
Me, I stay home alone. People seem to like me best that way.
I can’t help it. I just seem to be so gosh-darned likable that people fall all over themselves to be my buddies.
I make an effort to be kind and humble. And by humble, I mean willing to admit my own mistakes and remain open-minded to the input of others. I have absolutely no problem admitting when I’m wrong and I genuinely enjoy learning from others. I think that’s one of the best things about me. In a society that is competitive and all-or-nothing, I just want everyone to get along.
The kindness… that’s just who I am. I care about people.
I am also extremely low-maintenance. I adapt very well to change and am open to trying new ways of doing things.
As far as trying to appear smart, meh. People usually just pick up on the fact that I’m intelligent, and I figure if they spend enough time with me they’ll figure it out on their own. I know I’m smart, but I also know there are people out there who are a hell of a lot smarter in ways I am stupid. In the grand scheme of things it just doesn’t matter as much as how I treat people.
It must be your humility.
I listen as much as or more than I talk, and I refrain from asking intrusive personal questions and offering unsolicited advice.
If that doesn’t work, TFB.
First of all, no matter what you do, someone will hate you for it. I’ve discovered that’s just life. If you’re nice, they think you’re kissing ass. If not, they think you’re a bitch.
Beyond that, I just strive to be the best person I can be. In some respects I remember that I represent: I represent an atheist, an Indian, an immigrant, an English-as-a-second-language learner, a woman, etc. When people find out these things about me, like if they abruptly find out I’m an atheist I don’t want them to say “I knew it, she was such a dick.” I want them to say “Wow, I never knew atheists could be that nice and easy-going.” Etc.
Don’t sweat the small stuff, ever. Forgive. Let it go. If YOU stay mad the bile is in YOU. I listen a lot. I admit my mistakes. I apologize.
I just want my journey on this Earth to be as pleasant as possible, and I endeavor to make it so. Why get mad? Just let it sliiiiiide away.
This. Some people like me. If they do not, well, fuck em.
The best thing I’ve found to get people to like you is to not exclude anyone from a group. For example, if a new person is in with a group of people who know one another, just making eye contact with him and making them feel included can make you a likable person. Or say you’re at a party and playing drinking games, usually if a person gets to make someone else drink they’ll choose their closest friend, so just choosing someone who’s new to the group or not someone you know so well to drink can foster a sense of connection.
And when I’m the new person in the group, specifically engaging in conversation with someone I don’t know too well, like complimenting them on their hair or asking about their workout routine, makes you a likable person because you’re directly showing an interest in that person rather than sticking to just talking to the person who invited you.
While that’s the best thing, I have found a couple other things that help me out. First of all, when I spend more time and effort on my appearance that seems to make me more likable. And second of all, not being around people too much. (Because after a while, being a fun-to-be-around person gets exhausting and you just want to be alone.)
I tend to do more listening than talking and try and find “common ground” to talk about. I keep my opinions to myself (or try to 
)
I don’t talk about myself. I don’t talk about my interests. I fake being a more social person than I am and put on a smile.
Depending on where I am, I may make lots of smart-ass remarks that people interpret as funny.
It depresses me sometimes because I can’t talk in ‘real life’ about the things I like very often, but it’s better than boring or annoying people.
I honestly, truly don’t understand how “being yourself” applies to social interactions. I mean, I’m a nice guy and I’m well liked, i.e., people want to hang out with me, but if I were to truly be myself, I’d be universally hated, or at least avoided. Heck, even if I suppressed half of the things I’d like to say/do, I’d wouldn’t have any friends. We humans modify our behaviors–largely unconciously–to fit better into our chosen social settings. People who can’t do this at all are probably mentally ill. And I’m not saying that in a mean way; they’re actually sick and deserve empathy.
For me, being likable is largely about what personality quirks I’m able to suppress. I’m a logophile, but I don’t use words like “logophile” in conversation. In fact, I try to stay under two syllables in conversation, and I don’t use archaic terms if there’s a modern (albeit less specific or lovely) alternative. People will like you far more if they believe they’re smarter than you.
It helps TREMENDOUSLY to be funny, specifically funny in a light, witty, easy to digest sort of way. I’m naturally dry and sarcastic, but to be likable I have to be more generic (think NBC sitcom “wit”). This is easier anyway, since it requires really no thought. There are a couple of people I know who can appreciate a more cerebral wit, and I greatly enjoy their company.
I like to have meaningful conversations about life and art, but I don’t know anyone IRL who enjoys these types of conversations; they just glaze over when I mention anything that isn’t on TV. Again, to each his own. I enjoy a little TV too, I just like books, poetry, etc better. So, instead of forcing people to listen to my interests, I choose more mainstream topics and let the other person take the lead.
Along that same vein, I avoid talking too much about myself, and I’m careful to speak in terms of other people’s interests. If I know someone is a hunter, I’ll ask them if they’ve done any hunting lately. Big bonus points if I can work a little complement/self-deprecation twofer in there (“You’ve already bagged three giraffes this year?! Man, I’d be happy if I killed one!”)
In short, just assume that all people are desperate for someone to listen and care about what they have to say, and they appreciate an easy laugh as often as possible. Try to be relatable and relaxed without being condescending or aloof.
You managed to say what I said with 1/20 the words. :o
I’m not sure if it’s an issue of poor phrasing or if it’s really what you think, but you seem to be implying that those of who don’t give a fuck if people like us or not are by default assholes. Further, you seem to imply that we’re assholes deliberately because we think people find it appealing (though that’s totally illogical, given that we don’t care if people like us.)
I guess in some sense I fall into the keeping it real faction, in that the (quiet, hard-working, helpful) face I show the world isn’t some deliberate “presentation.” It’s just who I am, good, bad, or indifferent. I used to try to “present likably” so that people would stop being such huge steaming assholes to me for being different from them, but I no longer have the energy or give-a-fuck to bother with such bullshit and haven’t had for many, many years.
[quote=“A_Nested_Thorn, post:37, topic:631506”]
Big bonus points if I can work a little complement/self-deprecation twofer in there (“You’ve already bagged three giraffes this year?! Man, I’d be happy if I killed one!”)
QUOTE]
No one likes a Giraffe killer! 