What goes around comes around, except I'm too damn nice for that

The BBQ Pit
1

I loved that woman for two goddamn years. Treated her like a princess. And just because she’s used to having a guy beat her ass, and I won’t do that, she kicks me out on my ass?

That’s one fucked-up woman!

Look honey, I’m not your dad, who cheated on your mom with every woman in town. I never have cheated and have no intention of doing so. I’m a nice guy.

I’m not the “dirty Mexican asshole” who molested you at age eight. I have no intention of hurting you. I’m a nice guy.

I’m not the “stupid nigger bastard” who raped you when you were 12. I think with my heart and my brain, not with my dick. I’m a nice guy.

I’m not the sick, sick motherfucker who fist-fucked you and scraped his nails across your insides on his way out when you were 14. I could never in TEN THOUSAND YEARS do that to anyone. I’m a nice guy.

I’m not your ex-boyfriend who called you fat, lazy, stupid, and useless EVERY FUCKING DAY of your relationship. I never kicked you in the back when you were pregnant. I’m a nice guy.

I’m the guy who sacrificed everything he had and put it on the line for you. I’m the one who took the pregnant girl out on dates and raised her son as my own, without giving a damn about what anyone thought. I’m the guy who bought you your very first dozen roses. (remember Valentine’s Day 2000, dear?)

I’m the one that made you want to be a better person.

So please, in your infinite wisdom, TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK I WENT WRONG!!

Now you want me back.

Quite frankly, I don’t blame you.

What’s that? You’re not sure. OK. Keep being abused. It’s your life. Just throw away the most meaningful relationship you’ve ever had. Become poor white trash. Get knocked up again. Get infections from the sexual abuse you allow these other guys to inflict on you.

And please, pull your head out of your ass and get the help you need.

(And you wonder why I’m a)
-Syko

“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” - Ralph Wiggum

2

These chicks are pretty fucked up. I know a lot of them. They enjoy getting the shit kicked out of them because their self esteem is so low that they’re too afraid to treat themselves as human beings.

Thus they allow people to treat them like shit.

You can’t change her, not unless she wants to stop being a victim, and that’s unfortunately quite rare.

3

That’s the spirit! :slight_smile:

4

I know a few of these girls as well, Syko. Even dated one. And I second friedo about the victim-hood.

I have no doubt you’re a nice guy and all that. But you know what? A relationship with a girl like this is just as intrinsically dysfunctional as any other you hear about or see. It’s not good when you make sacrifice after sacrifice to someone that can never be happy. It’s not good to be in a position to try and “fix” someone. It’s emotionally draining, and it’ll leave you empty at the end of the day. Syko, my friend, she’s been abusing YOU. And you’ve been allowing it, with the best of intentions. I’ve done the same.

So don’t scream at the high heavens about the desertion. You cannot make her happy. No one, not the most rich or the most powerful or the funniest or the most well hung can. You didn’t do wrong. So now don’t martyr yourself. She’s got problems, and only she can deal with them. And she might be too broken to manage it. Go find a girl that treats you right. You deserve it, OK?

And if you think her kid is in trouble, you might want to look into appropriate avenues.

5

Forget it, Jake. It’s CodependentTown.

6

Codependent town?

-Syko

7

Codependent Town

8

Try and wrap your head around this for a moment, you are wondering why this woman left you and I can see why it doesn’t make any sense to you why she would leave the first nice guy she’s ever been with.

Did you ever think that you scare the living shit out of her because you are nothing like anyone she has ever known and she has no basis by which to understand where you are coming from? She understands abuse, she doesn’t like it but it is something she knows and can make sense of. You on the other hand are a complete mystery and for the two of you to have made it two years without this happening is amazing.

If she’s fucked up it’s because she had a lot of help along the way and everything you can do might not be the magic pill to make all that horror go away. In fact, all the nice things you do can just make things harder for her. I know, how can being nice to someone and treating someone like a princess be a bad thing? It’s not a bad thing but something that she just can’t get her head around.

Has she ever asked why you haven’t hit her? I would bet if you asked she would tell you that she expects it from you at any minute.

Has she ever pushed things as far as they could go to see how angry she could make you?

I only make this comments as a guy who was in your situation once and couldn’t understand why things went the way they did. This is how she explained it to me and then it made more sense.

Years later I began to study this phenomenon and it made even more sense. People want to stick with what they know even if it’s not good for them, they identify with a certain role and this identification leads them to find people who will help them play the part.

This explains why the children of abusers often become abusers or enter into abusive relationships. It’s not because this is something they want but what you know is better than what you don’t know in this case.

For many people this sounds like pretty warped behaviour, understanding the psychology behind why this happens can make it a little easier.

SirSykoSexxy- I have a question for you. When you were growing up did you take care of the people in your family or are you perhaps the eldest child? You may have been drawn to this woman because she helped you fulfill your role as well.

I’m sorry as well. You say you loved her for two years and I can only think that you love her still.

Encourage her to get the help she needs, it is possible to unlearn the role she’s been taught and learn a new role so that she cn get on to leading as happy a life possible.

9

You can’t change women like that, just give them a token pop in the lip every now and then to keep them happy.

10

I don’t mean to disrespect you here, Sexxy (is that the first time I’ve ever typed that without flirting), but it sounds like this girl was used to people treating her like shit, and when she found one who didn’t she A) kept trying to find something secret about him that he was widing from her (a drinking problem, passive-aggressive rage, whatever) and B) got scared that this wasn’t the kind of guy she was used to.

When I was fresh out of high school I was accustomed to people treating me like shit, and anyone who didn’t usually wanted something from me, so anyone who treated me nice . . . I looked on very suspiciously, waiting for something to turn so I could attribute another one to assholery.

After a while I began to realize A) not everyone is an asshole, and B) some people are actually nice.

Further on this board I extended that to A) A lot of people are in fact quite nice and B) some of them are really amazingly beautiful people.

I’m talking to one of them right now on AIM, in fact.

Upon preview: what Feynn said. And bossk, thanks very much for the whole “forget it” bit. I’m sure all the survivors of abuse on this board just love that sentiment.

Fucktwist.

11

I’m sorry, genius, I just figured the enlightened members of this board would realize my quote referenced the movie Chinatown. So, if that’s not enough, I’ll just say, “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”

Either watch classic American cinema, iampunha, or shut your ignorant mouth up. My statement to SirSykoSexxy was one of solidarity.

And if you need any more teachings, just find a movie buff message board, and ask what the term “Chinatown” refers to in the movie Chinatown.

Peddle your ignorance elsewhere now, please.

12

And I still don’t get it, so perhaps just saying it again except replacing “CodependentTown” with “Chinatown” wasn’t enough. Care to explain? Not everyone has seen the movie, obviously, and even given the level of intelligence on this board I don’t think it’s entirely appropriate to assume that everyone has seen the movie. In the mean time, here was my reaction to it, and why it offended me so much:

Abuse like the kinds mentioned in the OP strike at my fucking heart, since a significant part of my family were victimized by their father (my grandfather) and their grandmother (his mother-in-law). Perhaps that’s why I take quotes such as “Forget about it, Jack” as the kind of nonchalance (as I see it, anyway) that we need the exact fucking opposite of. Rather than go through the excruciating, painful details of this, and why my father only started to remember after his father had died that he had gone through this molestation, let me just assure you that the kind of nonchalance that someone who hasn’t seen a fucking movie would see in a line such as "Forget it, Jack . . . " is the kind I would atribute only to heartless, self-officious prick-like substances who believe in giving up on people based on situations beyond their control, and the heartless bastards (even worse than those pricks) who derive power and satisfaction and control from the anguish their victims endure.

I hope, this given, you can see why my response to your quote was in less solidarity. And perhaps you can spare me the necessity of having to go through a movie looking for the line “Forget in, Jack, it’s Chinatown”.

At any rate, I apologize for my misreading of your quote.

It’s 6:30 in the morning. Do you know where your sanity is?

13

What does it refer to? I just watched that movie last weekend but I guess didn’t pay enough attention… and I think the quote does become a bit obscure with the key word changed, don’t you?