What I really, really love about AlphaGene is how carefully he disguises a warm, compassionate heart beneath that acerbic, lizard-hearted facade.
The big lunk cries at chick movies! Terms of Endearment? Take along extra tissues; Alpha will be tearing up, sniffling, but trying to claim it’s just nausea.
That rubber sheep? He just bought it because of it’s cute floppy ears and sad eyes. Mostly. The fact that it’s anatomically correct was just a bonus.
He’s just been disguising his true emotions, the inner AlphaGene! All along he’s been hoping perceptive Dopers would see through his protective disguise.
Yes! Let’s seranade outside his window! You light up my life, The Rose…this is a man in transition, in PAIN! He secretly yearns for smurfs, and Hummels, and beanie babies! He wants the full collection of Oprah’s show on tape!
What i like best about Alphagene is that right now he is probably planning all of your demises… and when those fireworks go off, it will be very pretty.
What I like best about Alphagene is that he just understands when I get cramps. He brings me a hot watter bottle and some Motrin, and just smiles and pats my hand when I tell him that that last war was his fault.
And he knows the right answer when asked “Honey, does this dress make my butt look big?”
Ooooh, but we do understand, we really, reallydo, Alpha! We understand the REAL you, the tender, aching kernel inside the tough shell you project! You don’t have to pretend anymore, not in front of us, we’re here for you! ::dewey eyed blinking::
What you need is good group hug, with a chorus of Kumbiyah…ooooh, look, he’s so overcome by emotion he’s retching. Poor baby; he just never dreamed all his innermost aspirations would be seen and validated!
Quick, someone hand him a teddy-bear; he’s obviously getting in touch with his inner serpent…uh, child.
I love the way he hugs his blankie.
I love his baby lisp.
I love how he tries to feed the squirrels peanut butter sandwiches.
And how he makes little faces on his hamburgers with ketchup.
I love…hey, hey, what are you…screams
I like it when Alpha tucks me in, kisses my forehead, and says “tomorrow is a new day, honey” whenever the meanie kids at school steal my lunch money.
I like when alpha bakes a cake and lets me lick the bowl.
I also like how chipper alpha is when he gets to watch his daily soap, and get a pedicure and a facial (and his pink towel and bathrobe with matching monograms makes him feel like a natural woman).
I like how alpha shakes his groove thing to send peace, love, and happiness to the world.
And gosh darn, doesn’t he look ultrafine in that bright pink playboy bunny suit of his?
Oh and alpha makes a smashing shirley temple (he goes heavy on the grenadine, AND he adds two maraschino cherries)!
I spend every day hip-deep in the Pit deleting the mindless blather of trolls who as a result become fixated with me. They create sockpuppets with Alpha in their name in some bizarre attempt to project their inadequacies upon me. Yet despite this adversity, I manage to destroy these polyps on the colon of humanity before they raise havoc in other forums, including your precious MPSIMS.
I tolerate your ribbing because I know my harsh urban east-coast ways repel you but my olive-oil charm makes it hard for you to look away.
I also know that eventually some yahoo will decide to steal your email address, or register with a blank space before your screenname or post something so offensive that it threatens to shatter your perception of reality like a fragile Franklin Mint collectible. And when that time comes, you’ll be emailing me, begging me to help. And invariably, I’ll show up on the scene just in time like John Shaft, dispensing my unique brand of red hot justice upon the scum of society with a groovy wackajawacka guitar riff playing the background.
So by all means, continue the tomfoolery in this troll-free forum folks. You sleep under the very blanket of freedom that I provide.
I like the way he lets me help field-strip his secret collection of automatic weapons, and doesn’t complain when I ask (for the hundredth time) “What is the Blish block supposed to do?”
I like when we get up on the clock tower with silenced rifles and “thin the herd”.
I especially like it when we get to make field trips to strange, foreign countries on forged passports and meet new and interesting people. Then we kill them.
