What if I tell waitstaff to stop being so "friendly"?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Esp. interested in people with experience in this area, from either end.

Sometimes waitstaff are too “friendly.” They feel a need to chat me (and my companions) up, try to “connect,” and so on. I don’t really like this. But I have never been sure whether this is a result of personality, or if there is a general idea amongst waitstaff that customers want to be treated this way.

Were I to politely tell my waiter or waitress at some point that I’d really just like them to take care of my dining needs, and that I am not here to socialize with them (gah, how do I do that “politely” is another question!), will this, do you think, be taken as an insult, or as providing them with some relief?

I guess it depends on the person. Still, I wonder if there is a good rule of thumb here.

Some of you are thinking “Screw the waitstaff, they serve you in the style you request or no tip for them!” or something along those lines. But I cannot quite take this attitude. I don’t really like to insult people or hurt their feelings for the sake of my own convenience–unfortunately, even when it is purportedly part of their job description that they provide me with convenience. I don’t mean to say mine is the correct attitude, I am just explaining it is the one I find myself saddled with.

-FrL-

A related phenomenon: When I’m eating alone, reading a book, and an acquaintance feels they just have to join me and start chatting. :rolleyes:

I’m reading. People think you’re not doing anything when you’re reading. Or that you’re lonely. But they’re wrong.

Geez, and this is even happening to me in an academic context, where you’d think people could understand this.

I’m not anti-social I promise. :stuck_out_tongue:

2

Wow, I totally hear you on the reading thing. It’s such an acceptable idea that your time spent reading is “expendable”, and people don’t think twice of interrupting you, dragging you away, and god forbid you PREFER to read than do something else. ESPECIALLY reading for pleasure. You wouldn’t walk into a room without someone who is watching a movie and expect them to drop it and pay attention to you, so why is it OK with a book?? :mad:

In terms of waitstaff and others, and I’ve been on both sides of the counter, so to speak, and, as a customer, it’s up to you to direct the conversation back to business: say, “thank you” and smile and look down at your paper, or something similar to indicate that you don’t wish to carry on a conversation. Waitstaff can’t really do this; they don’t want to offend someone by refusing to engage conversation, so erring on the side of friendliness is a general rule (or it was for me). And most of them are all too happy to leave you be and get back to work if that’s what you want.

3

Coming from the waitstaff side of this, I know that if I received minimal response to my comments, then I would not sit around chatting you up. Of course, I am not the most talkative person in the world, generally, so YMMV. In certain cases you may just be experiencing very outgoing people. Servers that I know try to be courteous and polite (in order to encourage tipping) but I have never seen anyone that tries to force conversation. Short answers with little to no elaboration seem like the best way to curtail that type of behavior. If you are the only party in their section, good luck. Thats where I recommend a good book.

4

What you are asking may also go in complete contrast with what the waitstaff has been directed to do by the management.

Sounds to me like your best option may be ordering to go so you can enjoy your desired isolation on a park bench somewhere.

5

If you really want to go this route, I suggest stating that you “really need to get this read for a meeting later” or that you are all there to focus on a business discussion or planning meeting. If it’s obviously a bodice-ripper romance that you are reading, maybe say something like you really need to concentrate and clear your head for a meeting later. This is what the white lie is for, to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. If there are places that regularly give you the service you like, mention to the waitstaff/hostess/management that one reason you come so often is that it’s a good place to get some peace and quiet, or focus on business discussions.

6

Do mean “Artie Bucco” friendly chat ups ala Soprano’s?

I think you can get your message across by giving the waitstaff limited attention. Just ignore the extra chit chat, or stare without smiling then tell them “Miranda Priestly” style “that’s all” with a wave of the hand.

I am reminded of the time the woman at the Walgreens cosmetic counter practically stalked me through out the store. She greeted me with a big hello may I help you, then followed me and made comments on every single thing I was looking at. I moved to the next aisle to escape my new BFF then I felt a presence and there she was beaming at me. I just stopped and stared at her until she backed down. But still she shadowed me,“just checking in” until I took off for the Rx section where a Rxtech then emerged to pick up where she left off.

Maybe it was a management directive or on second thought maybe they thought i was a shoplifter?

7

Not all servers are this way. Some understand their job is to provide good service and not friendship. It’s like anything really, everyone brings different levels of skills to their job.

I suggest a couple of things. A handful of important papers to pour over. Minimal return chatting, a polite smile and back to the papers. Also, try and go to places that cater to a largely male office workers. In my experience in these sorts of places the men want their food and beer and then to get back to work, the servers will have figured that out. And go when it’s busier as opposed to slower, the servers will have less time to chat with you.

Once you find a place and a server that gives you the sort of service you’re looking for go back and frequent her section.

8

My huband and I have actually had servers *sit down * with us to take our orders. :eek: If I knew that to be a restaurant’s policy, I’d be sure to avoid the place. And if I had the nerve, I’d ask the individual if they were instructed to get that chummy with the patrons, although I don’t know if I could do it without being snarky.

My ideal server is quick, efficient, accurate, and anonymous. It would help if he or she was slightly psychic, able to discern when I wanted something rather than asking “Is everything OK?” every 10 minutes.

Yeah, I know, I’m a dreamer, but honestly, I go out for a meal that I don’t want to have to cook at home. Whether I’m alone, with my husband, or with a group, I’m there for the meal, not for the company of the server. That person is working, I am not. I don’t want a new friend - I want a meal that arrives in a reasonable amount of time as I requested it. I want my water glass kept reasonably full, and I want my check to arrive reasonably soon after I finish eating. I’m not unreasonable, and when I find that ideal server who pays attention but doesn’t hover or get chummy, considerable tippage results.

Now get outta here and roll that silverware in the napkins!! :smiley:

9

It’s threads like this that make me miss VCO3/TLDR, the way you miss a wart on your thumb that was painful and annoying, but was amusing to pick at sometimes.

10

The way I put it is, I try to act in a friendly manner, but I’m not looking to make friends. That means I don’t exchange personal information with the server.

Family members have told me I am “unfriendly” and that I should engage in conversation more. My mother-in-law, in particular, will ask the server her background, her hometown, where she is going to school, if she has brothers and sisters . . . I came back from the bathroom one time to learn she had told the waiter all about MY job and how proud they all were of me. And she just couldn’t understand why I was annoyed that she was spilling my personal business. I’ll take “unfriendly.”

11

A polite approach might be to say ‘That’s all we need thanks, we’d like to talk privately now’. Said in a firm but polite voice, I don’t think a server would take objection to that.

12

When your being chatted up just reply with a straight face and give only yes or no answers, if they don’t take the hint you’re not interested in conversation I’d be incredibly surprised. Waitstaff is used to pretending to be outgoing, but they’ve had plenty of social experience.

13

All true for me as well, although I’m in “guest-oriented” retail - we are basically supposed to be super-helpful and cheerful. But if someone clearly, by their language - body or vocal - doesn’t want to be annoyed, I leave them alone. And, in general, I’ve worked with people who can do the same, and managers who understand that our guests don’t give a fuck about our company policy, they just don’t want me in their face.

And as a customer, I just want to be left alone. I hate it when every single grocery store employee offers me help as they walk by - if I need help, I am perfectly capable of asking. If I’m standing around looking perplexed, then fine, ask me if I need assistance. But if I’m simply pushing my cart along, ignore me, or just say “Good Morning,” or something.

Joe

14

I’ve noticed that checkers at Trader Joe’s are inordinately interested in my choices and what my plans are for the day. Usually I’m good for a cheery response, but sometimes I just want to get my stuff as quickly and anonymously as possible and leave. I make the effort, though, because having been in their position myself, I know they are required to ask and sympathize. I also know that a manager with a clipboard is lurking out there, just waiting for one of them to forget.

So, at Trader Joe’s, or in a restaurant, I just smile or nod and keep my answers short. As much as I dislike keeping up my end of ersatz friendly chit chat, I try to remember that having to initiate it over and over again, all day long, no matter how lousy a day you’re having, is infinitely worse.

15

I think it’s a bit of an art, too. In my serving days, I quickly figured out that some people want you to chat them up and maybe flirt a little, and some people want you to bring their food and leave them the heck alone. Figuring out which sort you’re dealing with is crucial, and I think some people don’t have that skill – or haven’t developed it.

16

Yep. A key to being a good waiter, in my opinion, is an ability to sense what sort of service your customer wants from you. Some customers love to chat, while others want you to take their order, bring their food, and get out of their face.

And this applies whether the place is a cheap cafe or a fine-dining restaurant. When i was a waiter, i worked in both types of places, and others in between, and in all cases there were some patrons who liked to talk, and others who liked to be left alone.

Of course, there’s also the issue of taking care of ALL your customers. Another skill that a waiter needs is the ability to extricate him- or herself from a chatty customer so that other tables can be attended to.

One thing i absolutely hate, though, is waiters who (usually as a result of company policy) insist on telling you their name, and that they will be your server tonight. I never told anyone my name, unless they asked, and i’m really not interested in knowing my waiter’s name.

And i also found, when i was a waiter, that customers who asked your name were usually a big fat pain in the ass. They seemed to feel that this little exchange made you their personal servant, and that they then had license to call your name twenty times during the meal, even when you were serving other tables.

17

snip…

I’ve only noticed female waitstaff doing this with male patrons. I guess it gets them bigger tips.

Either that or they figure us guys are such tools they can get away with it.

18

Too friendly I can deal with, in the ways described above. Look down, look away, give short answers. What I find difficult is too enthusiastic. Now, I am pretty damn bouncy myself. I like enthusiasm. But we had a server once who was just obnoxious. “How are you??? Isn’t it a great day??? What can I get for you nice people???” All said in the most fakey tone imaginable. Yuck.

19

There’s a cashier at my Giant Eagle who always used to comment on whatever I bought. A 2-liter of pop and a bag of pretzels? “Oh, you must be having a party! Can I come to the party? How come I’m not invited to the party?” Or if I bought a roasting chicken, “What time should I come over for dinner? What kind of wine should I bring?”

I know he was just goofing around, but this is when I was single and it really gave me the creeps. I was going to talk to the manager about him, but finally I just said “Stop that.” And he did. He’s still there and I still shop there. I must say I try not to get his lane when I can avoid it, but when I have to go through his lane, he is polite and doesn’t give me attitude. If I had pushed it I probably could have gotten him fired, but I’m glad he didn’t. He probably didn’t have any idea he was making me uncomfortable.

20

You ever see Office Space?