What in the hell is wrong with my husband

The BBQ Pit
21

You could consider a day-home - I don’t know about the specific laws and things in Colorado, however, here in Calgary, assuming your children are young (under 6) you could take in up to 4 additional children a day in a day home (1 under one, 2 under two, 3 under three, etc). You could charge about $300/month per child. Because it would be your own business you would be able to wright off the majority of the income so it would be tax-free.

$1,200 is a lot of dough - perhaps you could look into it. (I have two girlfriends that made their living this way - one charged $600/month per child because of her experience and set-up, but I think $300 is more usual.)

22

He took the money from your account via ATM or the debit function, right? It can be easy to get carried away with those two things because it’s too easy to get to your money. You could get rid of the temptation for both of you if you went to your bank and switched your account to something without ATM or debit functions. Or you could just cut up your ATM cards.

Can you sew, knit or crochet or anything like that? I have a friend who makes tote bags and purses for craft shows; she puts a dollar or so into the materials and sells the bags for $15. My mom knits and crochets baby sweaters that she’s sold to coworkers for ~$40. If you have sewing skills, you could do alterations from your home; lots of peopel don’t know how to do jobs as small as hemming a pair of pants. You can make a killing on that kind of person–they don’t know how easy it really is.

Anyway, good luck to you and your family.

23

I have a couple of sisters that were in the same predicament as you.

My eldest sister worked her way out of it, by working nights as soon as her two kids were in school. She had gone to the local community college, got her license in radiology and finally got a job in the hospital from 10 PM to 7 AM. She paid for the schooling by qualifying for a “work-scholarship”–it requires you to maintain a high GPA and then work for them for two years, or pay the money off like a student loan if you didn’t want to work for them. They just recently bought a beautiful new, single family home. Luckily, her husband never got on her case about money.

My other sister, has a 1 yr. old and 2 yr. old. and her husband is a dickwad who berates her out of resentment because she’s in school full-time. But she also works FULL-TIME to pay for her children’s food and for their day-care (ironic, but true), while he takes care of the utilities and mortgage, and his martial arts class and his video games and his martial arts videos. She’s lucky enough to have lots of sisters who can provide her children with hand-me-down clothes or some fresh ones from the local K-Mart. How does she handle her husband? She does not want their daily struggle with money to be a permanent fixture in their lives and is 1) planning to get a job with benefits and/or 2) leave her husband.

When alcohol interferes negatively in your life in ANY way, it’s a problem. Once you and he acknowledge that, then you two can figure out how to fix it. By reading between the lines, all I see is a lack of hope from your husband. Perhaps, with that thought, you can wax-Dr. Philosophical with your hubby and show him ways he’s not “failing” you and the kids.

24

“Being drunk is the best feeling in my poor world.”-- Drinky Crow

Vote “Yes” on the .70/pack cigarette tax!

25

quote:

Originally posted by Leifsmama

He does spend about $200/month on alcohol, but can curb it when he needs to. I think he may have just been trying to forget the predicament.

Woah. I think “when he needs to” is right now. When I read the OP I was thinking something along the lines of a case of beer each week, which is questionable judgement, IMO, but $200/mo is excessive considering he is the sole source of income for the family.

Unfortunately, it sounds like this may be a difficult thing to confront him about.

Ouch! I’d have to agree with the above comment.

What’s wrong with your husband?..

"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Leifsmama

He does spend about $200/month on alcohol, "

I don’t know how, but if he doesn’t nip that in the bud, you’re going to have bigger problems than money problems.

That being said. I once kept a family of four going on a little over 1000 a month. I was the queen of the bargain hunters and could stretch food and groceries an amazing amount.

Try catholic social services for help on groceries, the local hazardous waste disposal facilities in many areas have “drop and shops” where you can get things like soap, cleaners, paint etc for free.

Check out home-maker savings type budgeting books from your library.

Those are only stopgap measures. Like many in this post, I’d say the real problem lies with your husband’s drinking and cigarette consumption.

And this is in complete empathy as one who has been there.

Good luck and hugs.

26

PS, how about delivering papers? I don’t know about where you live, but our town has delivery routes for people with cars, and the hours are early a.m. so you’d have the car back in time for hubby to go to work?

27

My mother supported a family of four on about half what your husband makes, so all is not lost. But she received extra money from the Social Security Administration because both her former husbands were dead. Even so, she had less money that you do.

She did it mostly through methods already mentioned: clipping coupons, conserving electricity and gas to keep the bills down, buying EVERYTHING in the cheapest, most generic brands she could find. And she never drank. Ever. Even so, there were some weeks we had to survive on about 20$, until she got paid again.

I’d like to congratulate the OP for standing by her man, and knowing what’s really important. Too bad he isn’t quite so level-headed himself. If he was thinking clearly he’d realize that any woman who thought as he does would probably have left him already. Somehow, you guys will have to communicate on this issue. More marriages break up over money than almost anything else. There’s too much at stake to let this slide.

28

I concur with the day care/baby sitting recommendations. My ex-wife built a thriving business as a day care provider and it didn’t take long for her to do it.

29

Well guys this might sound totally ugly, but believe me it is not meant to be critical or hurtful or mean in any fashion. I am speaking from experience. No person should be totally dependent on another one for their support. And this may be the part that sounds bad, but it’s life, what if the husband ditches? It happens every day. He may pay child support, but it won’t be even what you are used to living on now. You need to get out and find some type of money-making venture, be it the suggestions given here, or one you come up with yourself. But do something, don’t let the excuse that you are poor hold you back. Get a job on third shift, or at least a few hours after your husband gets home and he can watch the kids. If they are young they will be in bed when you leave anyway. It’s wonderful that you stay home with the kids, and yes day-care is expensive. But that is only short term. Your kids will be in school before you know it. The longer you wait the harder it will be to develop a marketable skill.
I only had one child, but I raised him on my own, with only $250 in child support a month. Granted he was 11 when I divorced and with the help of neighbors he could stay at home after school. But I worked a full time job and then on Saturdays I worked at a take-out grill not far from where I lived. It was hard, I didn’t have money at times, but I made it. You can too.

30

I’d say he needs to curb it NOW. That’s an extra $200 you can put toward bills.

If he doesn’t have a problem with it, then get him to stop drinking now. If he does have a problem, sweetie, that’s a whole 'nuther thread.

31

I’ll bet he’s spending $200 in bars…not at home. It’s easy to do. Back in the day, it would be nothing for us to spend $200 in a weekend at the bar. Nonetheless, he needs to curb it, for now at least.

A little trick we used when we didn’t have much money is to SAVE SOMETHING. Even if it’s only $5. Save something each week. Then eventually, you’ll have the money to buy something extra. It really works. Even if you just start with something small for the house. Start building the habit and you’ll eventually be able to have something to show for all your hard work.

32

I can so empathize with the OP. My wife and I hbave been dealing with this kind of crap for years. When she went to college, I lost my job and she was doing part-time work on top of class and supporting my lazy ass.

Then I got a job and she has been doing full-time classes completely with my support for the past few years.

I only make about two grand a month as well. We have two cars, a baby, and we live in different states.

I went into a severe depression a couple years back and was drinking way too much, but I found that cutting back - not stopping - has helped a lot with money. Now I spend (estimated) about $150 a month on cigs, beer, rented movies and the occasional food delivery.

Now I also have to admit that I barely eat a thing any more and travel very short distances to work, so I pay extremely little on food and gas.

We’re doing pretty well right now, and in just over a week she graduates, so we’ll both have jobs. I don’t expect everything to get all that much better because I know there will be increased stress with both fo us working, but I find just taking it easy, not spending more than necessary to have some fun, and not stressing myself out has helped a lot in the past couple years.

I hope you can do the same.

33

If I were you, I’d find SOME form of income (even if it’s a midnight shift) so you can contribute to your household. You need some financial independence. Being totally dependent on your husband isn’t good for anyone. Scrape together enough money to buy a cheap automobile, or better yet, do you have public transportation in your area? Is there anywhere you can work that’s within walking distance of your home?
Consider the ideas and thoughts presented in this thread. You need to do something.

34

Thank you everyone who’s replied. Your encouragement is greatly appreciated.

A couple of things:

Leifsdad is an alcoholic. He admits it. I knew it when I married him, but didn’t think it’d affect me. Yes, I know that I’m nieve, or rather, was.

I have a marketable skill. I’m a pastry chef and in a pinch I’m a great pantry cook and a passable broiler cook. Not to mention that if I had to, it wouldn’t be the first cash register I’ve ever run. I also have a couple of years experience in sterile processing which usually runs a third shift. I’m not sure when I’d sleep if I worked third shift and believe me I thought about it alot.

I’ve thought about taking in kids. Don’t you have to be certified to do that though?

Really, I mostly just wanted to blow off some steam that’d built up yesterday. I try to stay positive most of the time, but there are those moments when it all looks lost.

35

Good luck Liefsmama. I wish you the best and I know you love your husband dearly, but addicts generally get worse before they get better. They have a tendency to drag down everyone in sight into their vortex and it does not sound like he has hit bottom yet. I think for your own protection life and happiness wise you had best be planning a workable exit strategy for you and your child sooner rather than later. These scenarios rarely get better and while some can beat the habit most alcoholics die that way.

36

You have to apply for a license, which is different than a cirtification. You would probably need some sort of basic first aid training, if you don’t already have it. Your living area would be inspected to insure safety, etc - if you have two small kids of your own I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Then, basiclly you hang out your shingle and away you go. You can offer to go on a “Social Assistance” list, meaning low-income families - the govt pays you directly so there are no worries about getting your $$. The only negative to this is if the children don’t work out (they’re to rowdy or don’t get along with your own children or whatever) you can’t terminate care so be careful with this option.

Check in the phone book for your local city info service - they should be able to put you in contact with the right people to get started. :slight_smile:

37

Hmmm . . . Have you ever seen Mildred Pierce? She was in a similar pinch, and sold pies and cakes to neighbors and restaurants—any chance of your doing that? It’s something you could do at home, and if you got some regular customers, it might add to your income.

38

Can you make birthday cakes? I know that specialty birthday cakes are in serious demand around this area, especially for young children’s birthdays. Put up flyers at the grocery store, the gym, the library, etc - once you get your name out, you can more than likely make some good money by word-of-mouth - if one parent is happy with you, she’ll pass your name onto a friend, etc., etc. This is a great skill to have, and might help you pull in an extra $200-300 a month.

Ava

39

Ohhh you’re pastry chef! Do you do wedding cakes? If you do, have you thought about advertising on-line? I know of brides who would give their eye-teeth for a reasonably priced wedding cake.

You could do it from home, no licensing required, and if you’re good, you can make a killing through word-of-mouth.

40

I’m going to second the “go with the pastry chef thing” motion.

This reminds me of a not alltogether analagous situation, but it might give you ideas. A while back, in the town where I lived, there was a coffee shop. But the guy who ran it would basically let anybody he liked use his space to sell their things. There was somebody who made the little pastries, etc. And somebody who brought in their various teas. The coffee shop did all the work of actually selling the stuff, and, I would assume, the people who provided the products originally got a nice cut of whatever was sold.

Local coffee shops (if there are any) might be a good place to look.

I’m sure if you spend some time asking around, you’ll be able to find somebody to pay you for your skill, I mean… EVERYBODY loves pastry.