I think this will be an interesting topic to share.
Say you have a 3 year relationship with a girl that you fall in love with that has problems with her mental state because of her childhood ( father never around, always supplementing her love financially ; having a long relationship with a guy which was verbally abusing her ). Well , you find that too late and now you love her. You spend 3 years having ups and downs that seem to make your life very crazy.
After 3 years she asks if she can go play some tennis with a guy friend. You let her do it because you are not a controlling guy. She goes out and that guy hits on her but nothing happens, but she kinda likes him, accepts a gift from him, goes out to dinner with him. You find out , tell her to pack up her things and move.
You recommend her to see a shrink that can maybe help her. She doesn’t know how to be alone, jumping from relationship to relationship , hurting everyone.
She obviously jumps into a new relationship with the new guy and she even moves to his place because she doesn’t have where to stay now ( was looking to buy an apartment when she was staying at your place ) . Afterwards she calls to see you to give you a birthday gift. You take the gift but go with her at her mother’s empty apartment, have sex with her and leave like nothing happened. You find out from her that the other guy bought her the next week a trip to Spain for her birthday.
You are amazed…
You ask her to block you on all social media and phone number. She doesn’t want to do that and you are not that strong to resist the temptation to not remove the block yourself. She admitted that she will always get distracted by others when she isn’t receiving what she needs / wants ; not being capable of seeing herself as a smart woman and looking for a future for herself ( other than being a needy wife taken care of ). She is very young, very special, very beautiful and has some big inner issues going on with herself. I feel sorry for her.
If you would genuinely want the best for her childish mind and problematic behavior what would you do?
a) Tell that guy who is 11 years older than her ( 23 -34 ) that he should think about her best interest and help her fight her problems?
b) Say nothing and let her go through another same thing over again, hurting everyone around her?
Whoa. Go back and fill in the parts you left out! Why am I telling her to pack up and move her things? Because she ate dinner with someone??
Umm, not bloody likely that I’d do that. So far “you” (the “you” in your narrative, who may or may not be literally YOU but I am guessing that it is) sound a lot nuttier than she does.
If I’m amazed, so far it isn’t at what you’re expecting me to be amazed by, but go on…
•Stop calling her childish and immature. Stop thinking of her as childish and immature.
• Have a conversation with her about exclusivity. Don’t assume exclusivity is an automatic entitlement. Express what YOU want. Listen to what SHE wants.
• If, in the course of the conversation about exclusivity, it comes to light that she isn’t inclined towards sexual possessiveness or towards restricting her own sexual options to one person, and you yourself want sexual exclusivity, bow out of this relationship. Do it nicely and don’t go around bad-mouthing her in your head or on this board. Your way isn’t intrinsically better or less “childish and immature”.
• The next time you want advice about your behavior in conjunction with someone else’s behavior, don’t poison the well so much by insisting that the other person’s behavior is inappropriate and that you’re the long-suffering patient caring one.