What is the correct etiquette for a written apology?
I accidently offended a friend by my thoughtless use of the word faggot, which ended with her storming out of the house despite my explanations and apologies. I felt the best thing I could do was sit down and write a contrite apology and e-mail it to her. I did just that, that night. A few days after it happened, a mutual friend told her I was distressed that I had not heard any word from her either accepting or refusing my apology. The offendee said she had not checked her e-mail and hadn’t seen my mail yet. I knew this was very unlikely. A few days after that I went over to her house, where she greeted me with a hug at the door and was most friendly, but she said nothing then, and has said nothing since, in regards to the subject of our first fight, and the first formal apology I’ve made in writing to anyone in a long time. She has been calling me daily to invite me to do this or that with her but I have been avoiding her because I feel very uncomfortable being in her company, as I feel vulnerable and awkward around her with the issue left unresolved.
Her friends who witnessed her reaction to me have assured me that she completely overreacted, and didn’t know what had got into her. Quite frankly, I believe she owes me an apology for making the scene she did, and another apology for not responding to the heartfelt written apology I made in a timely manner. I suppose I should make it clear that I am not nor have I ever been called, or to my knowledge ever considered, homophobic. It might also be pertinent that she graduated with a Woman Studies degree and seems to enjoy instructing people on what is P.C.
Am I wrong to expect a response to my e-mail from her either accepting or refusing my apology?
What would Miss Manners suggest I do to resolve this matter to my satisfaction?
I was thinking of sending my e-mail again and attaching a: requesting read receipt, though I would rather not give her the satisfaction of apologizing to her again. I was also thinking of sending her an e-mail telling her I felt her silence regarding my apology was inconsiderate at best.
I’d let it go and be happy that she’s at least acting like a friend again. My husband had a similiar situation with my sister-in-law over a year ago, sent her a written apology via e-mail that she reportedly deleted before reading it, and has since cut off all contact with both me and my husband. In addition, she’s greatly reduced any contact with others in my family, including my parents who she was very close to before this incident. All we can figure is a) she’s nuts and b) she’s pissed that everyone didn’t join her in denouncing my husband as an obnoxious, lying, brown nosing, asshole.
All you can do is apologize; after that, it’s up to the other person to either accept it or not. It seems your friend has accepted it based on her interactions with you. Be happy!
I see a couple of things going on. First, I think you are off-base behaving as though you sent a formal written apology. You didn’t. You sent her an email, which is not a formal written apology; i.e., a blank note card with a handwritten message sent via snail mail. I’m not saying what I think you should or should not have done, I’m jus’ sayin’.
Next, your talking about your sincere apology when it’s clear that you have unresolved issues with her behavior. It sounds to me like it would have been more sincere for you to have included your concerns along with whatever you sent her.
Finally, why not send her a follow up note or email and just put it out there? “In my haste to apologize for my inappropriate remark, I feel like I neglected to let you know that your crazed reaction unnerved me”? I get that she wasn’t exactly crazed, but you get the idea.
I completely agree with Spingears and Athena. Sometimes when people do something embarrassing that they are later sorry for (like behaving badly in the moment or grossly over reacting to something), they just want to forget it and hope it will just go away. Combine that with your apology…if she didn’t feel dumb or bad about her actions, she probably did after getting your email.
People, unfortunately, are often nonconfrontational. They would rather imply something uncomfortable and assume it was understood by the party to whom implication was directed than actually have a discussion about it. If when you saw your friend she immediately greeted you warmly and affectionately, and subsequently has been extending various social invitations to you, that might very well have been her saying “I’m trying to show you with my actions that I accept your apology, I feel really dumb about the whole thing, lets please just forget the whole thing and go back to the way we were.”
…or maybe she thinks you suck, and is punishing you further by toying with your emotions and trying to drive you insane. Which is possible. People are meanies.
I completely agree with the people who are saying that this is probably just her way of dealing with an uncomfortable situation. However, I interpreted the OP as saying that the way she dealt with it initially was muy uncool and that, in general, the OP may have a real issue with her if that is the way she expresses herself in confrontations. If that is the case, I agree with the need to get it resolved instead of brushing it aside because it could turn out to be a friendship deal-breaker.
No, no, no, no, no. I can’t stress strongly enough what a bad idea sending a follow-up email or otherwise communicating about her behaviour is. It serves no purpose other than to dump a pot of kerosene on a fire that’s already been largely put out. If you really feel the need to get some sort of confirmation verbally that she received and accepted your apology, then the next time you’re with her say in a calm and measured voice “I don’t want to bring up anything bad again but I did want you to know that I emailed you to apologize for my thoughtlessness and I wanted to make sure you got it and you understood how sorry I am.” Do not put anything on her about her reaction, whether you consider it extreme or not.
Otto, personanally, I don’t communicate any “issues” via email. Doing so almost wrecked my relationship with Mr. Cookie when we were dating, and we have a rule now that nothing of any signficance gets discussed via email. Some people are more comfortable in this regard, as it seems the OP is, which is why I suggested a follow up note. I stand by my advice to pursue the matter of her reaction. If I was in the initial stages of a freindship with someone who flew off the handle, I’d want to get to the bottom of it so I could decide if it was someone I wanted to be very good friends with, or not.
