I almost put this in The Pit, but I decided I just actually wanted some opinions and to see if I’m just being a baby about this.
I won’t go into why I deserved an apology from my husband, but he was being very unsupportive and realized he was wrong.
The following day, I received an E-Mail apology!!! From my own husband!!!
This made me feel even worse than what he was apologizing for. I’m not a co-worker or a client you may have wronged. I am your freaking wife and feel that I deserve a face-to-face on this. This cowardly apology makes me feel very small and unworthy.
If he thinks that this is even close to right, I don’t even know where to begin.
Was it a thoughtful, well-written apology? The kind of thing one can’t normally compose or remember when speaking face to face? Or just a short couple of lines dashed off?
Nope. This is typical of him. Never says “sorry, please, thank you…”
Does/say something he realizes upsets me, lets me stew for days until I finally “get over it.”
I realize that someday, I will probably just unload and bust him on things he doesn’t even remember… I’m being far too passive/aggressive. You get what you settle for…blah, blah, blah. I know I need to be proactive and assertive; however, let’s not go into that, for now. I just wanted to know if the e-mail apology to a spouse seems completely unacceptable to anyone else (I mean anything beyond a sorry I forgot to take out the trash/turn the coffee maker off/pick up the mail/kind-of-thing.)
I really don’t think that it matters. Fine, write it down and refer to it if you think you can’t possibly remember what you did and why it was wrong, but tell me in person! This frustration is aimed at you; I’m just still trying to figure out who lives in a universe that this would be appropriate.
And no, it wasn’t that thoughtful or well-written…just bare-bones kind of thing.
I don’t know, it kind of depends on what the fight was about and how busy you guys are and what kind of communication he’s comfortable with. But if I got an email apology from my husband (were I married) I wouldn’t have to assume he was using it as an excuse not to talk to me, since of course we’d be married and it’s not like he could escape it. Maybe he just wanted to let you know he was sorry in the quickest, most convenient way possible at the time, so perhaps you wouldn’t be angry and stressed all day, or maybe he just felt like he wouldn’t be able to express himself in person, you know?
I’m not really one for forcing people to communicate in a manner that makes them uncomfortable, knowing how much it sucks when I have to do it. Perhaps that’s the case here, perhaps not, I don’t have enough information. But in any case I’d communicate. I’d talk to him when you got a chance, acknowledge his apology and explain to him how it made you feel bad because it felt impersonal to you. But if I were to start from the point of outrage from assuming he meant to disrespect you (and of course if that’s the case, why marry someone who means to disrespect you?), I’m sure I wouldn’t really get anywhere.
If he is the type that never says “sorry” then maybe an email apology was the best he could muster up? Maybe that is a big deal to him. Maybe you should be happy you actually got an apology this time?
Sometimes hubby and I will have Big Talks by email. Both at his instigation and mine.
I’m overly emotional sometimes, and he’s often a bit on the repressed side. So when we do get into the Big Talks in person, I’m in histrionics and crying, he’s having trouble coping with that and ultimately what needs to be said doesn’t get said.
By email, however, we’ve got a slight buffer between those emotions. Things that need to be discussed can be talked out, and we can make sure that rather than responding to something in the heat of the moment, we can both take our time and really think about what we’re going to say. And things get sorted.
But I stress, this is how it works for us. In our world, big apologies can be made via email and have as much meaning as ones said face-to-face.
It seems like a no-brainer, but have you ever actually said to your husband that you don’t want things like this to be handled by email? You’re not wrong to want a face-to-face apology, but he may be of the opinion that an email discussion is okay and may not understand how you feel about it.
Well, both me and my husband communicate from e-mail on a semi-regular basis, and sometimes that includes apologies. In fact, one of the most heartwarming apologies I ever received from him came via e-mail, and it pretty much made my day.
I dunno, Hazle, I think you got a lot more going on here than just an apology by e-mail.
I do, or I wouldn’t have asked. Much like you wanted the opinions of others, and not just those who agree with your pre-established position or you wouldn’t have posted.
I think it matters very much, in fact. A heartfelt, emotional, written apology that goes into passionate detail can be very much more meaningful than a ‘Hey, sorry about that thing yesterday’ in person. It’s an indication that they cared enough to get the message correct and to spend time thinking about the best way to express what they wanted to say.
On the other hand, a tossed off apology in email that could just as well have been delivered in person seems quite a lot less noble.
Too true! I need to address the underlying issues and pick my battles…thanks for the reminder. If everything else were going well, I wouldn’t be so infuriated by this e-mail thing.
If your husband is someone who never apologizes, but has been aware of that fact, and is working on it, then this might be a first step.
And if he’s at least somewhat proud of himself for having done something difficult, and then all he gets from you is criticism for HOW he did it… well, I don’t think that’s going to help the situation.
But, as others have said, there’s a huge difference between a perfunctory apology and a functory apology.
In general manners imply that you should follow up with a request in the medium in which you received it. So if you were having a face to face talk about the problem, sending the email IMHO wasn’t good communication (unless you had somehow encouraged the follow-up to come by email). My WAG here is that communication skills are not your husband’s strong point. Maybe that could be helpful to you to consider whether you are dealing with something he is not good at vs. something he is doing to be inconsiderate?
Personally, I don’t communicate anything mushy or emotional by email. I’ve gotten too many misdirected emails intended for others to ever think that’s a good idea.
It’s hard for a lot of men to say the words “I’m sorry”, and he probably did it in email because it was easier to get the words out that way. A lot of times, I feel it is easier to express myself in writing than in speech. In a fight, sometimes it’s better to be able to stop and think about how you want to word things before you tell the other person.
I think you’re reading a bad meaning into something where none was intended.
Personally, I think you are more likely to accomplish something constructive if you tell him you appreciate he tried to make an apology, and then when things have cooled off talk to him about how you’d like to communicate in the future.
Don’t start a new fight over how the apology was sent. It will only breed more resentment and contempt (which is a good way to destroy a marriage) if you just use the apology as more ammunition against him.
My SO and I email back and forth a lot during work hours, so no topic that’s worksafe is off limits for email, including apologies. We’ve worked out entire fights by email just so as not to let them simmer all day long when there’s not time to have a heart-to-heart by phone.
This is us, though, and obviously YMMV. I’m sure there are many things that would irk me that wouldn’t make another half of a couple bat an eyelash. It’s just about communicating your boundaries to one another, I guess, and doing what makes you both comfortable.
Chalk me up for another spouse who can have quite deep and meaningful conversations (including arguments and apologies) via email.
I wonder if you’re being a bit harsh on him, because you’re still angry about the original dispute. But for someone who “Never says “sorry, please, thank you…”” (your words), an email apology sounds like quite a step.
Some people have a hard time apologising. They’re full of uncertainties about their own character and think that to apologise means they’ll have to admit they are flawed individuals. Which is, of course, true, but some folk find that pretty hard to do.
Look at it this way - if he’s taken the step to actually apologise (and forget the medium for now), and you get angry at him for doing it, how likely is he to apologise again in the future?
My WAG is that neither are very good at communicating, given the hints about the passive-aggressiveness and picking of battles. Seems to me that a no-holds barred heart to heart is needed here - and if that’s easier to do in writing that’s how I’d do it.
Perhaps your husband feels he can’t apologise to you in person because of the reaction he gets? Passive-aggressiveness is VERY hard to deal with!
That’s a really good point that bears repeating. If he gets jumped on for this, he’s not very likely to apologize again. One way to approach it might be to say to him, “I appreciate that you apologized. I would have preferred you do it in person, though, so if we have another situation like this, would you please talk to me about it face to face? It feels more personal that way, and I like being able to have a conversation about it.” Or whatever phrasing feels right to you, but the point is to try to frame it in a positive rather than negative way.
I know it’s become a bit of a psychobabble-y cliche, but “‘I’ statements” really are a very useful tool in resolving conflicts. “When you do X, I feel Y” etc.–that way you aren’t pointing a finger at the other person, but encouraging them to empathize with you. They’re more likely to try to understand why you react in a certain way to their behavior instead of getting defensive.