Knock knock.
Who’s there?
CIA interrogator.
CIA inter…
I’ll ask the questions, here, mister.
A couple have a baby, and they notice the little fellow never makes a sound; no laughing, no crying, not a peep. They have him checked out, and the doctors can’t say why the boy is mute, he just is. So, they lovingly care for him just as though he could talk.
The morning of his 5th birthday, the boy sits down to breakfast, and he says, “Hey! This oatmeal is lumpy!” His mother, weeping with joy, says, “You can talk! Why didn’t you talk before?”
“Everything was okay until now.”
A priest goes to the hospital to visit with an older member of his flock who has taken ill.
The lady is grateful for the company and rambles on and on. The priest had only meant to pop in for a few minutes before lunch and is getting hungry, and mentions this so as to excuse himself.
“well, then have some peanuts to tide you over” she says, passing him a bowl.
The lady continues droning on and on and on, and the priest listens patiently, nibbling at the peanuts.
Preist:
“I’m so sorry I seem to have eaten the whole bowl, and you with no way to go buy more. I’ll be sure to bring you some tomorrow.”
OL:
“Don’t bother, I only like the chocolate, and I gummed the last of that off yesterday”
Me too!
A guy walks into a bar in Dusseldorf. He orders a dry martini. The bartender brings him three martinis.
What might a dog do in your yard, that you wouldn’t want to step in?
Dig a hole.
What is it that a man does standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does with one leg raised?
Shake hands.
A man is sitting in his cabin in the woods and hears a knock on the door. When he goes to answer it, he finds there’s nobody there, but there is a snail sitting on his welcome mat. Not much of a fan of snails, he picks it up and throws it way into the forest.
Two months later, the man is sitting in his cabin when he hears a knock on the door. When he answers it, he hears a small voice say, “What the HECK was that all about??!!”
What’s slimy, lives underwater, and plays country music?
Joe Eel-y.
What four letter word are some women called that ends in U-N-T?
aunt
Thought I’d reply as I just did this… The spoiler box replicates in a message forum that pause when a joke it told aloud. I guess there’s a dramatic tension as the audience has that moment to anticipate what’s coming.
And I think some people are using it to distinguish between “clean” jokes (unspoilered) and “dirty” jokes (spoilered).
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread!
Young ones really seem to like this one. Best told with lots of inflection…
A man is driving down the street with 5 monkeys in his car. A police officer sees him, pulls him over and says, “Sir, do you know you have 5 monkeys in your car?”
“Yes”, the man replies.
The cop says, “Well, I want you to take them to the zoo RIGHT NOW!”
So he takes them to the zoo. The next day he’s driving down the road and he STILL has the 5 monkeys in his car. The same officer sees him, stops him and says, “I thought I told you to take the monkeys to the zoo!!!”
The man replies, " I DID. They had had so much fun that I’m taking them to the movies today!"
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.
(Maybe too matematical for the young ones, but clean and not offensive.)
How can you tell an introverted physicist from an extroverted physicist?
The extroverted physicist stares at
your
shoes.
OK, that one’s offensive to physicists (only slightly IMNSHO). Let’s kick it up just one notch:
Ladies, it’s not you shoes we’e staring at!
Hopefully this will prove that a joke doesn’t have to be punny to be clean.
There was a quiet, conservative man who bought a parrot that was supposed to be able to talk. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot could talk, but he swore like a sailor. He could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The shop wouldn’t take him back and the bird’s foul mouth was driving the man crazy.
One day, it just got to be too much. The guy grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled “QUIT IT! Just quit that infernal cursing!”
This just made the bird mad and he started swearing even more, impugning the man’s mores, family history, and personal predilections.
So the guy threw the parrot into a kitchen cabinet and locked the door. This only aggravated the parrot, who continued to claw and scratch the cabinet while he cursed even more loudly than before.
In a blind rage, the man ripped open the cabinet door, grabbed the bird, and threw him in the freezer.
For the first few seconds the bird started swearing at the top of his lungs. He kicked and clawed and thrashed violently. Then it suddenly became very quiet.
At first the man just waited, but then he started to think that the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbed on the man’s out-stretched arm and said, “Awfully sorry about all the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. I do hope that we can become good friends and put this unfortunate little interlude behind us.”
The man was astounded. He couldn’t understand the transformation that had come over his pet.
Then the parrot said, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”
A sign in an office window read: “Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.”
A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.
The office manager said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.” The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”
So the manager said, “OK, I’ll give you a shot. Take this letter and type it.” The dog went off to the office and returned a couple of minutes later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted, no misspellings or punctuation errors.
The manager said, “Here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.” Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with a nice little app that solved the problem.
The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I can’t hire a dog for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”
The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”
On Halloween, a woman opened her door to find three kids on her doorstep: one dressed in a sheet with eyeholes, another carrying a pitchfork and dressed in a red suit with horns on his head, the third with an eyepatch over one eye, a plastic hook over one hand, and a stuffed parrot on his shoulder.
“Twick ow tweat,” they chorused.
“Oh, how cute,” she exclaimed. “I’ve got a ghost, a devil, and a buccaneer on my porch.”
The third kid looked offended and said, “Hey wady, I’m a piwate not a buckin’ eaw. Open up youw buckin’ eyes!”
Which reminds me…
This was in the '70-s, in the old USSR. This good, Party-loving, Communism-approving loyal comrade had a (relatively) good life for himself… except for this parrot he had come by.
Now this parrot kept on cussing out the Glorious Leaders, one by one, impugning the Wonderful Communist Economy, and generally making a pest of itself.
Naturally (in those days) it didn’t take long until our hero woke up at 4 AM, to the sound of loud BANGING on his door, and yells of KGB!! OPEN UP!!
Well, he knew he was OK … except for the damned parrot.
Thinking quickly, he grabbed the parrot, slammed it in the freezer, and went and opened the door.
… Everything went swimmingly; in fact, the officer in charge ended up all but appologizing – “you know, the neighbors said, we had to check it out…” – until one of the men thought to swing open the freezer door. There stood the parrot… little icicles forming on its wings… it could barely open its mouth, but it somehow managed, and said, in a small voice, “All Hail the Marvelous Revolution! All Hail Stalin and Lenin, the Glorious Fathers! All Hail Brezhniev!!”
The KGB people are, naturally quite satisfied, and leave. Guy breathes a big sigh of relief, takes the poor parrot out of the freezer, looks at it and says…
“One hour in Siberia and you’ve changed your tune, eh, tavarish?”
How do you make a venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye with a sharp stick.
This is usually a blonde/polish joke, but it works generically as well:
A guy answers a “painter wanted” ad in the newspaper. At the house:
Owner “I’d like my porch painted, the paint is in the garage, how much will you charge?”
Painter “$50, and I can start right now.”
Owner “Great! when you’re done, knock on the back door.”
20 minutes later there’s a knock at the door
Painter “All done”
Owner “Impossible, there’s no way you could finish that porch in 20 minutes.”
Painter “I did finish in 20 minutes, and by the way, it’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”
Here’s one for the kids:
Adult “Hey, I have a great new Knock Knock joke, you have to start it.”
Kid “Knock Knock”
Adult “Who’s there?”
Kid “… um…”
Ok, maybe that one doesn’t read so well.
A fellow is sitting by himself in a bar when a stunning woman takes the stool next to him. She orders a drink, leans over close, and quietly says “For $100, I’ll do anything you can describe in three words.”
The fellow thinks carefully, takes another sip of his drink, looks her in the eye, and says:
Paint … my … house.
No, no, no. You gotta tell it right.
A man was standing at the bus stop at the bottom of the hill, when a large wheel of cheese came rolling down the hill. The surprised man picked up the cheese just as the bus arrived, so he took it home with him.
He showed his wife, who said, “I wonder what kind of cheese this is.” The man replied, “It’s nacho cheese.”
The wife asked, “How do you know that?”
"Because as I got on the bus this man came running down the hill shouting, “Hey, buddy, that’s nacho cheese!”