I’ve heard this joke 750 times. The first 749 times I heard it, the man running down the hill was black, and the joke was offensive. 
The way I heard it was this:
A man joins a monastary with a vow of silence that can only be broken once every five years
After five years he stands up and says “Floors are too cold”, sits back down, and is silent for another five years.
After ten years he stands up and says “Beds are hard”, sits back down, and is silent for another five years.
After fifteen years he stands up and says “Soup is too salty. I quit”
To which the head abbot replies “well it’s no wonder, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!”
OK, here’s one of my favorites, if a bit dated:
A dog walks into a telegraph office, goes up to the counter, and says, “I need to send a message”.
The telegraph operator, a bit nonplussed, says, “Er, all right. What’s the message?”
The dog says, “Woof woof, woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof”.
The operator writes down the message, then says, “You know, we charge for a minimum of ten words. So I could add another “woof” and it wouldn’t cost you any extra.”
The dog looks puzzled and then says, “But then it wouldn’t make any sense!”
OK, I’ll admit it, I spent my life in a cave until last week . . .
So could someone please at least post a summary of the “Snake named Nathan” joke?
Please? I won’t be able to sleep until I know this joke.
Summary schmummary, suffer like the rest of us 
(remember, you asked for it)
Duck goes into a pharmacy
I want to buy a chapstick
he says will that be cash or charge
he says neither just put it on my bill
Dearborn hired 2 mexican fire fighters jose and hose b
man celebrated the us’s 200 birthday by cuttting the hooves off 444 buffalo
It was the 1776 bison toe nails
Indian chief has 3 pregnant women
He puts them into separate tents
One sits on a buffalo skin
he 2nd on a deer skin
the 3rd a hippopatamus skin
Next day 1st and second have i child each 3rd has twins
Chief observes the squaw on the hippopatamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other 2 hides
OK, Former Soviet Union Joke:
A good comrad saves his whole life to afford the luxury of owning his own car.
After 45 years of pinching every rubal, he finally has enough. He goes to Automotive designe buro to arringe the purchase.
After waiting in line for several hours, the burocrat spends nearly an hour examinining his paperwork.
Well, comrad savedyourassoffovitch, it appears that all is in order. Your new car will be delivered on April 17’th, just over five years from today.
“Morning or afternoon?”
“It’s five years, comrad, what differance does morining or afternoon make?”
“Well, the plumber is coming in the morning, you see…”
Many thanks.
This one really needs to be told in person. I’m using the following convention: anything underlined must be said stretching your mouth as much as possible. For the other animals, make appropiate voices…
A little bigmouth frog had to write an essay for school, detailing the customs of several animals. The little bigmouth frog had an encyclopedia but, being an adventurous bigmouth frog, he thought he’d rather go and find stuff out himself. So, (make bouncing frog gestures) he set out from his house at the edge of the pond.
It was a very nice pond in the sabana, where many animals went to drink. The first animal the little bigmouth frog encountered was an elephant. (You can describe the elephant and make your audience guess it, if you think it will work well)
Hello!, said the little bigmouth frog, jumping to avoid being trampled by the elephant.
Hello, said the elephant, who are you and why are you bothering me?
I’m a little bigmouth frog and I need to do some work for school, may I ask you a few questions?
Sure, said the elephant.
Thank you!, said the little bigmouth frog. What is your name?
I’m an elephant, said the elephant.
(sticking your tongue from the side of your mouth, like someone who doesn’t write very well)Aaaalephant… and what do you eat?
I eat grass and branches, mostly, said the elephant.
Graaaass and branches… thank you very much! said the little bigmouth frog.
You’re welcome, said the elephant.
(repeat with one or two more animals)
Hello!, said the little bigmouth frog, jumping to attract the crane’s attention.
Hello, said the crane.
(The crane is being drier than previous animals, you’re a bit nervous) Uh, hi, I’m a little bigmouth frog and I need to do some work for school, may I ask you a few questions?
evil grin Sure, said the crane.
Thank you!, said the little bigmouth frog. What is your name?
I’m a crane, said the crane.
(sticking your tongue from the side of your mouth, like someone who doesn’t write very well)Crane… and what do you eat?
I eat little bigmouth frogs, said the crane.
really? (not low voice, just tiny, tiny, tiiiiiiny mouth :D)
Okay, I won’t!
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the floor?
Matt.
On a wall?
Art.
In a lake?
Bob.
In a lion’s cage?
Claude.
At a ballpark?
Second base.
You asked for it…
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs…
…under a car? Jack
…swimming? Bob
…at the bottom of a pool? Duane
…water skiing? Skip
…in a ditch? Phil
…in your mailbox? Bill
…in the bathroom? John
…on the beach? Sandy
…in a pile of leaves? Russell
…between two tires? Axel
…on your shoulder? Chip
…covered in oil? Derick
…in a hot dog bun? Frank
…with a pet bunny? Warren
…after being run over by a steam-roller? Mark
…plugged into a power socket? Sparky
…on a dirt road? Dusty
…in a cannibal’s pot? Stu
…on a stage? Mike
two guys with no arms/no legs
…holding up your draperies? Curt ‘n’ Rod
Or you could ask this guy
From Leo Rosten’s The Joys of Yiddish:
A man goes to find a gift for his immigrant mother, now widowed, living alone, and speaking no English. He passes a pet store and sees a parrot and thinks - well, now there’s something she could talk with all day!
But he realizes immediately that this will be a problem, since the parrot can only speak English and his mom only speaks Yiddish. He enters the store and talks to the shopkeeper. No, the parrot doesn’t speak Yiddish.
This starts our man on a long hunt, and after a number of weeks of research, he finally discovers a parrot for sale who speaks fluent Yiddish. Unfortunately, being so rare, the parrot is $5000! The man thinks long and hard - $5000 is a lot of money, after all! But this is his beloved Mom, and she’s all alone. He decides to go for it and arranges for this incredible parrot to be delivered to Mom the next day.
The next evening, he visits Mom, and says “Momeleh, how did you like the present I sent you?”
And Mom, beaming like a ray of sunshine, exclaims “Delicious!”
On Christmas day this guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast, and he orders Eggs Benedict. A short while later the waiter comes out with his order, but he’s carrying it on a hubcap. He sets it down and asks if everything is satisfactory. The guy looks at the meal, and the Eggs Benedict looks okay, but he stares at the waiter, gestures at the meal and says, “It looks all right, but what’s with the hubcap?”
The waiter says, “Well sir, you know, it’s Christmas, and as they say: There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”
A group of friars were behind on their mortgage payments on the abbey, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise money. Since everyone in town liked to buy flowers from the “Men of God,” the rival florist across town saw his business take a tumble and thought the competition unfair.
The rival florist called and asked the good friars to close down, but they refused. He personally went to the abbey to plead with the friars, but they ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of the florist business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and meanest thug in town to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh went over to the abbey, beat the friars up, trashed the shop, and left saying he’d be back if the friars didn’t close their florist business.
Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving again that:
“Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.”
Two explorers are lost in the desert where they stumble upon a market. They approach the first vendor and ask for water. The vendor explains he only has sponge cake. So they move on to the second vendor and again ask for water. The second vendor tells them he only has custard. Frustrated, they move on the last vendor, but he only has jam. Still dehydrated and near death, they leave the market and head back out to the desert in search of an oasis. The first explorer remarks on how strange it was that the market only had sponge cake, custard and jam, no water. To which his companion says, “Yes, it was a trifle bazaar.”
In retrobution for the Snake named Nathen, I present to you the world-famous “Pink Gorilla” joke, in one giant paragraph with poor punctuation -
Seems there was this traveling salesman cruising through farmland when his car ran out of gas. Recalling a farmhouse he saw a few miles back, he started walking. Finally reaching the house, he knocked on the door and asked the farmer that answered if he might be able to help out. The farmer gladly loaned the salesman a can full of gas. The salesman started walking again, walking the long walk along the deserted road to his car. When he finally reached it he poured the gas into the tank, tossed the can into the trunk and drove back to the farmhouse. Gratefully handing the can back to the farmer, the salesmen noted that the sun was setting and asked if he might spend the night. The farmer replied that he had some spare room in the basement and guided the salesman down the steps. At the bottom of the stairs was a short hallway with several doors. The farmer told the salesman that he could choose any room except the first one, and he must not open the first door! “Ok”, replied the salesman hesitantly, “why can’t I open the first door?” “Because there’s a pink gorilla behind it” answered the farmer with doom in his voice. “Oooookay” said the salesman, “I’ll just go to the second door” and he sidled away from the farmer who he was no convinced was insane.
Lying down on the bed behind the second door, the salesman pondered the exchange. “Surely” he thought to himself “that farmer doesn’t believe there’s a pink gorilla… Naw, he’s just pulling my leg. Probably upstairs laughing at me right now.” So the salesman gets up, peeks into the hall and, seeing no one, tiptoes over to the first door. Carefully turning the handle, he slips in and sees a set of iron bars like one might find in an old west type jail. Curious, he takes the key off the wall and unlocks these bars, slides the door open, and continues. Next he comes upon a solid oak door with a heavy beam locking it. With a cocked eyebrow, he removes the beam and moves on only to discover a huge steel door like a bank vault or a submarine hatch (he’s a salesman and has never been in a submarine nor a bank vault, you see), spinning the handle, he throws his weight into it and pulls the door open. Excited to see what’s next he peers into darkness. Groping blindly he finally finds a light switch beside the door, so he flips the switch and is momentarily blinded by the light (but not wrapped up like a deuce). As his eyes adjust, he makes out a large steel cage in the exact middle of the room, and to his surprise, sitting in the cage is a large pink gorilla. The gorilla doesn’t move, doesn’t blink, but stares straight at the salesman as if it was a statue (the gorilla, not the salesman). The salesman approaches and the gorilla doesn’t move. “Must be stuffed,” thinks the salesman and so he carefully reaches through the bars, no response. He ever-so-gently touches the gorilla, and it goes ape-sh… um, it goes crazy - jumping and thumping its chest and roaring. The salesman flees in terror. As soon as he’s through the vault type door, he slams it shut and catches a glimpse of the pink gorilla tearing its way out of the cage. Panicking even more he takes off towards the oak door. Shutting it and getting that heavy bar in place slows him down so he hears the gorilla destroying the steel door. He then makes it to the bars as the oak door is ripped apart. Sliding them shut just in time, he doesn’t even bother with the last door. As the salesman gets into the hall, he sees the farmer standing on the stairs with concern evident on his face. The farmer says “You didn’t…” the salesman replies “yeah, I did” and the farmer just steps out of the way. The salesman charges up the stairs, closely followed by the gorilla (the farmer just points the way for the gorilla).
As the salesman reaches his car, the gorilla is right on his heels, but he manages to get the car going and takes off down the highway. Momentarily breathing a sigh of relief, the salesman looks in his rearview mirror and discovers, to his surprise, that the gorilla is right behind him. Speeding up, the salesman sees a “slow - winding road” sign and decides that he’d rather take a chance on his driving than slow down and let that pink gorilla catch him. As he tears around the corner, the car careens out of control and rolls off the road, finally stopping upside down. Trapped, the salesman looks out the window to see the pink gorilla squatting beside the car and, the salesman is convinced, grinning. The pink gorilla taps the window with on giant finger. Resigned to his fate, the salesman rolls his window up (because he’s upside down, remember). Shivering in terror, he watches that giant pink hand reach for him and almost faints when a finger the size of his forearm touches him and the gorilla rumbles “Tag, you’re it”.
Kids joke: The broadway producer put some cows into his production…so he could call it a moos-ical. 
Ouch. If you’re going to tell it, make the pun match the Pythagorean Theorem. It goes like this:
In Chief Biggbottom’s tribe, it was traditional to provide one’s wife with an animal hide to sleep in as a wedding gift. Multiple wives were allowed, but each had to get a different hide. The Chief married three women, giving a deer hide and a bison hide to the first two. For the third wife, he provided a family heirloom: a hippopotamus hide given to his great-grandfather by a traveling big-game hunter.
The first two wives gave him fine sons, but the third wife was barren. As the sons grew older, they harassed the squaw with the hippopotamus hide endlessly for not having a son for the chief. Finally, she challenged them to a wrestling match. If the boys won, she’d leave the tribe. If she won, they’d leave her alone forever.
The day of the match dawned, and the sons thought they’d have an easy time fighting an old woman two-on-one. When they bout began, though, they soon realized that she was a match for them. All day and all night they fought, and at dawn the next day, the Chief called it a draw, thus proving that:
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.