What is WRONG with my sister? (Rant. Long.)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Really, I should just be quiet—but I can’t; I’m too angry.

A little background: I live with my eighty-year-old father and help him with the day-to-day business of living. He’s not an invalid by any means, but he needs a little help and can’t get by alone. This job fell to me because all of my siblings have families of their own; I am the Good Gay Son.

With that out of the way, here’s my beef:

I’ve always felt that the hallmarks of a second wedding should be taste and sophistication. First time around you get to make a big production out of it: process down the aisle and be given away and play Mendelssohn and have a neatly tapered line of bridesmaids in hideous dresses and a throw a huge reception, etc. Second weddings, I feel, should be for a handful of family and close friends, with the bride in a tailored dress and a hat in a garden somewhere.

So when my sister told me that, for her second wedding next month, she’d bought an expensive gown and was going to have Dad give her away (again?) and the men were going to be in tuxes and she was going to have a bevy of bridesmaids and a big reception afterwards . . . well, I raised my eyebrows, I can tell you. But although I found the whole thing just a little much, I figured what the hell, it’s her wedding.

And I thought no more about it until yesterday when Dad got an invitation in the mail.

To my sister’s BRIDAL SHOWER.

Hosted by her adult daughter.

And get this: included was a little card listing the stores where one can find my sister’s “shower registry.”

When Dad showed me this, I hit the ceiling. A bridal shower is for a young woman who is just setting out in life and probably needs a few items to get her household started. My sister was married for twenty-four years, lives in a beautifully-furnished house twice the size of my father’s, and already has every household item known to mankind. SHE DOES NOT NEED A F*CKING THING MORE. To use this wedding as an excuse to shake down people for presents—among them her aged father who just barely scrapes by on a pension—is inexcusably thoughtless, self-centered, and just plain vulgar.

Dad is always there for my sister. She has lunch with him once a week, and then it’s to occupy his time with a litany of her complaints and problems. Yet she expects him to jump every time she turns around with her hand out.

I told Dad how I deplorable found this. I am afraid I raised my voice before I was through. I told him that I hoped he would not attend this travesty. “I have to go,” he said meekly. “She’s your sister.” Then he added, wistfully, that he wasn’t sure how he was going to afford a shower present AND a wedding present, not to mention tux rental and the weekend at the resort that my sister wants everyone in the wedding party to go on after the ceremony. Dutch treat, of course.

Well, the way that I feel right now, I don’t even want to be at the wedding. I can’t remember anything in years that has infuriated me more.

This is just a rant. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I don’t expect to feel good about this wedding—or my sister—anytime soon. I thought better of her, that’s all. Fooled me.

Thanks for listening.

2

Please tell your father that etiquette does not demand that he buy a shower gift or a wedding gift.

A gift is just that; something which you give to another person out of your own free will. He is not obligated to do so if he can’t afford it.

Frankly, the fact that he is able to attend these functions and be with her should be gift enough. What I wouldn’t give to have my mother here today. Your sis needs to grow a clue.

3

Yeah, this will get moved to the Pit. Damn, lamentable story. My (older) sister is also an inconsiderate wench, so I kinda know where you’re coming from.

Just don’t let pop get screwed by her. Put your foot down and keep it there, and take the heat for him if he needs it.

Keep us posted…

4

Unbelievable! Miss Manners would have a severe case of the vapors if she knew about this! It’s tacky beyond tacky. You’re a good son. She’s a piece of work.

5

If he will be happier (for whatever reason) if he attends this shower, help him pick out a gift. Use your imagination. Get the tackiest, cheap thing you can find. No, that’s mean. Get something inexpensive, though, and if possible totally useless. And since when did elderly men get invited to bridal showers? Those are chicks-only events, where your friends get to make tasteless jokes and give you pots, pans, and silly lingerie.

Seriously, I agree with you completely, and your father would not be at all impolite if he simply declined the invitation.

If you wanted to get all “Miss Manners” about it, no shower is supposed to be hosted by any member of the bride’s immediate family, anyway.

6

Hah! Your dad is by no means required or obligated to do anything. He may feel guilty by not doing these things, but that is only the way he feels, since he’s the dad.

My own mother didn’t show up to my sister’s wedding nor gave her any type of gift. (She completely disapproved of the wedding as they were very young, and vowed it wouldn’t last more than six months. It lasted two months.)

Your sister is being selfish and greedy. I’m on your side…don’t let your dad be taken in by her crap.

And by the way, it’s also incorrect (if we’re going the Miss Manners route) to have a formal, full regalia wedding the second time around. You were correct on your thoughts on that, as well.

7

Actually, Sylkyn, Miss Manners (the real one) sees nothing wrong with the full regalia wedding the second time around.

Attempting to weasel gifts out of people, of course, is disgusting.

8

I agree your sister is being selfish, inconsiderate and greedy.
But you shouldn’t take it out on your Dad. What’s he done wrong?
Deal with her directly.

Put this man first.
He cares about his family.
If necessary, help him keep his self-respect - see if he will accept money from you for him to do everything he wants to.

Then think up a really good way to show everyone what a selfish bitch your sister is.

9

Couple of questions:

  1. Since when do you invite your father to a bridal shower? (my dad deliberately hid the whole time mine was happening…smart man…)

  2. Were you invited? I mean, did she send one to him and not to you AT THE SAME ADDRESS??

  3. She’s making him go to a resort after the wedding? I know that there’s nothing I want to do more than hang out with my family on my honeymoon. That I really don’t get.

She certainly doesn’t seem to be thinking of anyone else, but that’s not a new sentiment for this thread, so I digress.

Good for you to be the good son. Golf claps all around.

10

Honestly, I wasn’t going to ask for a shower for what was going to be my FIRST wedding – I had an apartment full of stuff and he had a houseful already! We didn’t NEED more!

11

I was relying on an obviously faulty memory, then, matt. When I was getting married for the second time, I could have sworn I read in a somewhat older column that she “disapproved” of the big-time weddings for second- or third-timers, but I could definitely be mistaken.

Disregard my comment on that, then, Snug, but I stand behind the rest of my post. If she has everything she needs, about the only kind of shower I’d feel she should possibly deserve would be a lingerie shower. Given by her friends. I just can’t see her asking your dad to attend that, but you know her better than I do!

12

Tell your sister that she needs to pay for your father’s trip and tuxedo.

I can’t imagine why someone’s father would be invited to a bridal shower! And a relative isn’t supposed to host it! Miss Manners also prohibits inserted cards with registry information; you’re supposed to tell if someone asks.

13

Could your father give your sister something of sentimental value, maybe something that belonged to him or your mother? My dad once copied his mother’s recipes cards and put them together in a book which he gave to each his children. Especially since your dad is elderly, the passing on of memories is more valuable than something from a store.

14

How this grab you: Don’t buy anything for your sister from yourself. You feel (justly, IMO) that it’s inappropriate, and this is a good way of showing that. Since your dad feels obligated to buy his duaghter something he might not be able to afford, buy your dad’s gift to your sister for him. Don’t tell her who really paid for it. This way, you can help out your dad without compromising your principles about giving your sis a present, dad gets to feel that he’s doing his fatherly duty, and sister gets those material things she so desperately craves.

15

I’m fairly certain that Miss Manners (and all modern etiquette experts) only say okay to full regalia for a second wedding if its the first time for the other party. So the big (white?!) gown and a bunch of attendants is only appropos in this case if the groom has not been married before.

That aside, being invited to a wedding does not obligate one to bring a gift, particularly not for a close family member for whom numerous gestures are made and various gifts given at other times. It is not bad manners to choose to share in the joy without turning a wedding – particularly for a second-time around bride who already has a well-established household – into a commercial occasion.

Smug, your sister sounds like a greedy piece of work. I’m sorry that you’ve got to deal with it and I hope that you’re able to shelter your dad from what sounds a lot like an effort to take advantage of his generosity of spirit.

16

I know that, and you know that, and some other posters here know that, but I’ve been to a lot of bridal showers (and baby showers) recently that were hosted by either the bride’s sisters or future sisters-in-law, and even once by the bride’s mother, and twice by the future mother-in-law. :rolleyes:

17

All I can find is the following, from the 1983 edition of Miss Manners’ guide to excruciatingly correct behavior:

“Brides come in two models: Young and/or inexperienced, and mature and/or experienced. The former wears white, the latter something more subtle or more befitting her station ormore sophisticated. The experience referred to is not the one you and so many others assume; it is marriage.”

18

I could have sworn that I had once before double-checked my impression that registry info was OK to include in a shower invitation, because the whole point of the party is to give gifts, but not OK in a wedding invitation. But my trusty Miss Manners tomes are letting me down. I’d have to go to the EmilyPost or Amy Vanderbilt and see if they even address the issue, but those books are even older.

Otherwise, yeah, your sister’s a big jerk and your poor dad is being way too nice.

19

Sadly, all the tackiness in the OP is becoming way too commonplace. And the fact that it is so commonplace is what “entitles” everyone else to it. I may not be the one to comment on any of it since I think the whole wedding thing is a complete waste of time and money and that showers should have become obsolete decades ago. After all, how many couples these days are going straight from their parents’ houses or the college dorm into matrimony? Almost NONE. Showers have evolved from a group of girls surprising their friend with household necessities to greedy b*tches asking all their frends to supply them with luxuries. Including their men friends. Same with the baby showers - women are throwing the showers for themselves and making sure daddy is right in the middle of it.

And now receptions have turned into resort vacations. Sheesh, when will the madness stop?

But I digress.

Of course your dad will have to go, she’s his father and life is short. He doesn’t need the guilt he may feel if he doesn’t go. Same with the gift. I would, though, if he were my father, talk him out of attending the shower OR sending a shower gift since that is, IMHO, the tackiest aspect of all this tackiness, and I would also try to persuade him to buy a cheap token gift (not using those words, of course, again to avoid any guilt feelings) for the wedding. He should also attend only the wedding and the reception for a few hours, and skip that ridiculous resort. Christ Almighty.

Just my $.02. He’s your father and she’s your sister, you know the family dynamics best, of course. But your feelings over the whole thing are valid.

20

Thanks, everyone, for reassuring me that I’m not overreacting.

I did try to talk to Dad about this, and to reassure him that he wasn’t obliged to do anything that he didn’t feel comfortable with or couldn’t afford, but he wasn’t very responsive. He said quietly, “I’m going. I just want to get this whole wedding thing over with. Anything to keep the peace.”

Then he told me that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Hey, I tried.

A few postscripts:

zimmdogg: (1) Yes, that’s right. Dad got an invitation and I did not. This is because my sister knows that Dad is gentle and generous and good for a present, and she also knows that I would take such an invitation into the bathroom with me and find a practical use for it. (2) Why, you ask, is an elderly gentleman being invited to a bridal shower? Hell, my sister would invite a stranger off the street if she thought she could get something out of him. (3) As for the resort thing, I don’t understand it any more than you do. I theorize that Sis wants to do this simply because it’s an unnecessary extravagance, and therefore exciting to her.

MLS: You are quite right in saying that a shower should never be hosted by a family member. I’m willing to cut my niece (hostess of my sister’s shower) a little slack, however. She’s young (20) and VERY unworldly, and she thinks that she’s being a thoughtful daughter. Besides, we all know that she’s just a front for my sister, who’s throwing a shower for herself.

lainaf: I think your suggestion of a gift of sentimental value is a beautiful idea. My sister, however, would point out to you that such a gift isn’t listed in her registry. You’re supposed to buy the gifts that are in the REGISTRY. Hello? That’s what it’s FOR.

Several of you have mentioned, and I agree with you, that a full-regalia wedding is a bit unorthodox the second time round. (And yes, this is the groom’s second wedding too). I know that some etiquette experts say that it’s okay to bend the rules a little bit and have a wedding with whatever trappings that bride and groom want. The bottom line is, it’s their wedding (And, in my sister’s defense, I should point out that she and the groom are paying for the thing themselves).

But nothing, nothing, NOTHING in a million years can justify tuxedos at a wedding held AT ELEVEN O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

So this wedding is going to be a taste-free treat for all concerned. Ah well, it’ll all be over in a month or so.

And not a moment too soon.

Thanks all.

Love,

Snug