I agree with most of what other people have said, but to add one more thing: I like it when men have female friends and/or have remained close to their exes. It indicates to me that they’re not just after sex but that they want friendship in a relationship. Guys who continually badmouth their ex-girlfriends always make me nervous because it indicates a certain shallowness in their outlook “she’s not my girlfriend anymore therefore I don’t care”. That said, someone who continually praises their exes isn’t a good thing either…
Overall, I like to know that a guy is talking to me because he’s enjoying the conversation, that he’s kissing me because he wants to kiss me, that talking/kissing/foreplay aren’t just a means to an end.
My $.02… Confidence, Confidence, Confidence!
I am married, but that does not negate what I am about to relate to you… Because I am married, I have no problem with striking up a conversation with a woman - all of the normal angst, etc., is gone. I can say, with supreme authority, that merely having the brass to walk up and start a conversation, or heaven forbid, even flirt, seems to be the most significant factor in attracting women. No, I don’t intentionally do this, it just happens socially. Then, when the subject of my marital status comes up, 9 times out of 10, there is disappointment that I’m not “available.”
Now, I’m not “Mr. Universe,” either. If you don’t believe me, check me out here.
I’m 33 years old, 6’0" and 250 lbs., man! Not exactly slim…but I dress acceptably - usually nice jeans or kahkis and a button-down shirt. I bathe/shower daily and keep my beard trimmed…
Simple stuff, but for some reason, I get a LOT more attention from women now (it’s the confidence thing, I’m telling ya!) than I ever did when I was dating.
Physically (note: the physical charictaristics are not dating criteria, simply what I find most attractive in a guy):
Green or blue eyes
Dark hair
A little bit of muscle, but not too much
Just over-all goodlooking-ness, which I know when I see it
Personality:
Intelligent
Clever
Sense of humor
Makes me feel beautiful
Fun to be around
Faithful
Loving
Shares some interests but not all
Not totally perfect- perfect is boring.
Hey DirkGntly, you are so right, but being an unconfident Single I’m obliged to hate you, guys like you up the ante for the rest of us.
Seriously, being in a good relationships obviously does wonders for your self-esteem. The problem is that you need that confidence to get into a good relationship… Can’t I borrow some of your confidence?
Sure, TTT, go right ahead!
Actually, just two things will help:
Use the 3-second rule. You see a woman you’re interested in, then say something,anything, in the first 3 seconds of seeing her. That will break your own mental ice, even if your first intro is less-than-stellar. Maybe think up a catch-all intro phrase sometime and just use that…trust me, the 3-second rule works. Not for your intended “target,” but for YOU.
It’s a numbers game. Most people are more than willing to have a reasonable conversation, regardless of your looks or “social status.” Approach it with that attitude, then see if something else clicks as the conversation progresses.
Of course, this is a hijack to the OP of “what makes a man attractive,” but it’s hard to resist the opportunity to help someone.
And we now return you to your regularly scheduled OP…
I don’t know about this. I can’t remember anyone ever criticizing my clothes. Women do tend to compliment each other more (positive criticism, I guess), and this can be helpful.
But there is a lot of free professional help out there for guys who want to learn how to dress. If the optician suggests a pair of frames that is more “updated,” then you should think about taking the hint. If the girl at the Gap is suggesting plain-front khakis, try them on. Saying you “always wear pleats” means you may be looking a bit dated. Of course, you should wear what looks good on you, but I think a lot of guys fall into a habit of sticking with the styles that were popular while they were in college and never updating. If you like a particular store, and you feel they’re steering you right, then go back to that store. Get to know the salespeople. They want to help.
Guys should also just pay attention to what is stylish. If you’re paying the slightest bit of attention, you’d know that tapered jeans are very out of style. You don’t have to wear jeans like Lenny Kravitz or anything, but it might be worthwhile to get a pair of straight-leg jeans. If you look at advertisements, or even the featured pictures in catalogs, you’ll note that plain-front khakis are more stylish than pleats.
But being stylish is just a bonus. As I said in my earlier post, dressing appropriately is key.
You can be the biggest fashion nerd, but unless you are being deliberately obtuse, you definitely know the basic rules about dressing appropriately, especially in terms of the types of clothes that are appropriate for various occasions. If you are going to a social occasion where you are trying to meet women, don’t wear a stained t-shirt, sweatpants, and broken-down sneakers! You could wear the ugliest jeans, button-down, and shoes in the world, and it would still be better than that.
Another factor is wearing clothes that are the right size! A shirt pulled tight over your potbelly looks crappy. Yeah, you might “still wear the same jeans size you wore in college,” but if you’ve got 50 pounds of belly hanging over the waistline, then it’s no accomplishment.
Anyway, if you’re unsure of how you’re dressing, get a female friend or relative, or a stylish male friend or relative to help you out. Make sure you ask someone who is attuned to current style but understands your personal preferences. And make sure she’s willing to tell you the truth.
A good explanation indeed , Green Bean. I should add that I do not seem to dress really bad these days, from what I’ve managed to gather. Still I have some remarks to add.
The problem is not picking clothes from the store I’m in, but finding the right store in the first place. What I’ve heard you have to be careful not to get in one that sells dated stuff, or clothes that are wrong for your reference group/peer group. I got my last knowledge from a brief (and actually quite helpful) article on Dutch singles (male and female), listing what each sex tended to do wrong.
As you say, “Guys should also just pay attention to what is stylish. If you’re paying the slightest bit of attention, you’d know that tapered jeans are very out of style.” The thing is, being a guy, I tend not to have a too finely tuned sense for this. I’m serious! A while ago a female co-worker at lunch started a rant about the clothes of someone we’d briefly met for business reasons. I was amazed at the amount of detail she’d managed to garner from a brief interaction. I’d only be able to notice and remember that by taking long hard looks and making notes (obviously that is not going to happen ). I also remembered, when lately reading American Psycho (where the main character describes everyone’s clothing in detail, including brand name, cut, and material), thinking: how the hell can that guy see so clearly what someone else is wearing?
But then, I have the same problem with cars (can mainly remember the color), which they say is a typical girl thing, while real men should be able to tell a car already from the sound of the engine, let alone from the looks of it.
To avoid misunderstandings: I do pride myself on being able to occasionally pick out good clothes (some female co-workers have complimented me repeatedly on my choice of tie), but especially leisure wear to me seems (to exagerrate) a metaphorical mine field, or maybe a bowling alley. You can so easily err on the low and high end. BTW, when recently asking a couple of female acquiantances I did draw some zero’s (they only know women wear shops), but also did get a few good tips.
nice voice is really big for me
cute quirks
some kind of unknown appeal that I find attractive (i think thats the chemistry but im not sure)
is not dirty looking/appearance isnt too messy
not obnoxious/arrogant
I’d like to add my 2 cents. I have been thinking about this a lot now that I am single again after getting out of a very long relationship and being on the “dating scene.”
First, I don’t know why everyone is so concerned about how a guy dresses. I actually am turned off by guys who dress too nice, that is, guys always wearing kakhis and button-down shirts, looking too preppy or like they stepped out of the Gap, Banana Republic or Abercrombie and Fitch. UCK! Have some individuality, please! I loved the way my ex dressed. He was a very rugged outdoors type. He’d usually wear clothes that were rugged, like he could set out on a backpacking trip at any moment. I thought that was so masculine and sexy! Dressing too fashionable or preppy comes across as too feminine for my tastes. Or maybe kinda “gay” for some reason. I also don’t like guys who are TOO “well groomed.” Be natural. Grow a beard. Be a man. Don’t get fancy-schmancy pretty-boy haircuts all the time! Don’t put gel or hairspray in your hair. AND if your going bald, just go ahead and shave your head. I don’t mind a balding guy, but think it’s sexy when it’s shaved.
So anyway I have been going out a lot and meeting and dating a lot of guys lately, and I have a pet peeve, something that others brought up on this thread too. Guys, when you’re talking to a girl, you need to ask questions! Don’t just talk about yourself, but show a little interest! Most of these guys I am meeting are not asking enough questions. Nothing too personal, but stuff like what kind of music do you like? What are your hobbies? What do you do? Where did you go to college and what was your major? Just stuff like that. Most of these guys are just talking about themselves. I am always so flattered whenever anyone asks me a question about myself. That would probably be the #1 thing that would make me notice someone!
One last thing. I like to think I am not too picky, but I gotta admit I am especially attracted to taller guys. The guys has to at least be a couple of inches taller than me (I am 5’7"). I really like anything around or above 6’. Also as much as it pains me to say, I prefer guys more on the skinny side. I’m not too attracted to beer bellies or huge body-builder muscles. My one friend who was a guy was always complaining about how girls didn’t like him because he was fairly short. And I tried to make him feel better, but it’s SO TRUE. I’m sorry, guys!!
Be at the top of your game – in whatever it is that you do. Confidence comes from excellence. Other than that, always try to be the best person that you can be. Anyone who says “that’s just the way I am and people have to deal with it,” is someone who knows that they are deficient in the area under scrutiny.
I was a first-rate asshole with a bad attitude. (Not a cool-guy kind of asshole, more of a bitter misanthrope kind of asshole.) It took years of work to get to a point where I was happy and, therefor, happy with myself. And then I met my (now) fiance. She deals with my idiosyncracies (interests such as checking out the Straight Dope regularly ;)), and we make each other better. (And I am not one of those self-help guru kind of guys - I am pretty normal, just with less of a chip on my shoulder.)
My younger brother, the rock star type, is a firm believer in the “you need to act like an asshole to make girls like you,” school of thought, and it serves him to a purpose - he can get laid if he wants to. However, getting laid is fleeting.
My best friend, on the other hand, has been a bachelor far too long, and it will take a woman with a penchant for projects to clean his act up - he is so set in his ways it is ridiculous. (And he’s only 28.) (And he’s an engineer.)
I never found it within myself to be who I wasn’t, nor to bunker myself in during the dry spells. I just kept with being the guy that I am, and I found a beautiful woman who laughs at my lame jokes, thinks that tall, thin men are sexy, and knows that sometimes I am going to fart.
I guess my point is that you have to stick to who you are, but make who you are the best that it can be, and be willing to adapt (within reason) to what a gal needs from you.
The biggest attractors for me are men who make me feel comfortable around them; confident, but not pushy, easy-going, smiles a lot, and is genuinely interested in what I have to say. I don’t have to be the focus of the conversation, but it’s nice having him listen and expand on what I was talking about instead of brushing off my comments to talk about himself.
Cleanliness (shower every day, 2x if ya need it!) and a “neat” style of dress are also very important; my guy tends to wear polo-type shirts with kahkis & loafers, or t-shirts with jeans and hiking boots. He always looks presentable, even when he’s just going to the market.
Two things to remember when you’re approaching a woman for the first time; RELAX and don’t crowd her - I had a guy talk me into a corner once (literally!) because he kept stepping too close. It’s hard to relax and enjoy talking to a guy if he’s “hovering.”
OK, so everybody says confidence more than anything else, and I have to agree. Early college my best friend was short, dumpy, not too great looking and a lousy dresser. (I can be brutally honest when I have to) I am tall, slim, and reasonably attractive. So man did it piss me off that he got so many more dates than I did. Simple confidence.
The guy that gets the girl is not the one who says “I can’t get a girl” because he finds it easy, he finds it easy because he never says, “I can’t get a girl.” So, where does the confidence come from and how can you get some. This part is easier than you think. Almost everybody is confident somewhere, be it in school, among friends, on the Dope board, wherever. The key is get yourself into that ‘mode’ when around women.
For me the mode is vacation. For some reason whenever I head off to another country or another town I find it amazingly easy to pick up women, even those who are not on vacation themselves, while it is so much harder at home. My guess is that feeling of “nothing to lose”. So, I have been cultivating that attitude while at home and it seems to be working.
Oh, and Skerri had a good point about laughing things off. The guy who is completely suave is attractive, but the guy who accidentally spills a drink on himself and laughs as hard as everyone else goes home with the women. Little shows you aren’t an ass like being able to laugh at yourself.
guys like you up the ante for the rest of us.
). I also remembered, when lately reading American Psycho (where the main character describes everyone’s clothing in detail, including brand name, cut, and material), thinking: how the hell can that guy see so clearly what someone else is wearing?