What should I do about my child's father?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

Well, I know it will be starting too soon, but for now that’s not the case and she still loves to be around her family. It’s not that she doesn’t WANT to see or talk to him–she does–but she wants HIM to initiate it. And I think that’s understandable, because that really isn’t the child’s job. But since he’s not doing it, maybe I should insist that she does. I just don’t want to make her try to get into contact with him and have him STILL not step up because that would just make her feel worse :frowning:

Good advice, but thankfully it’s not the case here and my family doesn’t say anything bad about him. They like him (which used to actually get on my nerves sometimes).

Thank you for sharing this, it really is good to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. I don’t get it though, it seems like it WOULD be true that if he really wanted to do it, he would take more initiative. But I guess not.

62

And when that period of withdrawal began, what did you ask him about his reasons?

And what was his response? Your posts have had a lot of speculation about what YOU think he feels, but you haven’t said much about what he has actually SAID about what he feels.

I have my own suspicions about what the answers are to those questions, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions, and if I have anything more to offer, it may well depend on what the answer is. BTW, you mention that he gets along acceptably with your own mother. Have you discussed the situation with her?

63

The reality in ALL relationships is that often if the relationship is important (as it is for your daughter’s sake) there is point at which you let go of the way you think it SHOULD be (even if you are 100% right) and deal with what IS.

Basically it comes down to this: He is not making the effort you think he should (for whatever reason). That is the reality. Having him in your daughter’s life is important to you. So, what are you going to do about it?

We all come face to face with this scenario when dealing with relationships- spouses, parents, siblings and friends. We all have to answer the question: If I want the relationship what do I have to do that I’m willing to do? It’s action time.

64

If I were your daughter, I wouldn’t appreciate this kind of pressure. Let her know that it’s okay for her to call him and if you think he’d like hearing from her, tell her this, too. But I wouldn’t do more than that. Insisting that she call him sounds like a good way to make the kid feel guilty.

65

One more thing- we had the reverse problem. My step-son stopped calling when he was in college . It hurt my kids, as they were soooo close to him that he would forget their birthdays and such. I encouraged my husband to place the call TO step-son and then yell for the kids (“Your brother’s on the phone”). We let them believe that he was calling and we facilitated contact. It was a good thing.

You could do the same- call her dad and let her believe he called her. She’s worth it.

66

I’m typically against lying to my children… but this seems like a good idea. It might work for you, Blackberry.

67

I am completely against lying to my children as well. I have told them very uncomfortable truths that I thought were important for them to know and work through. But in this case, there was a greater good served by the protective lie.

68

It’s hard to say exactly. It wasn’t like he was always there and then he always wasn’t. There was some back and forth for a while. And we weren’t getting along well enough to really discuss things rationally. I was mad because he wasn’t seeing her, and he was bitter in large part because I wouldn’t be with him, so that’s always made it difficult for us to get along because he just can’t seem to let that go, even though we didn’t get along before that EITHER and we’re the LAST people who should ever be together, so I don’t know why he even wants to (and yes, even now, even though it’s been a hundred million years and he’s married).

Another constant area of conflict has always been that he feels like I have all the control of the situation and obviously doesn’t appreciate that. Like for example, people tell me that I argue like a lawyer. And he would always say things that make no sense and that would just drive me CRAZY so we would end up arguing about it and eventually he’d have to concede because, truly, he wasn’t making any sense. Which isn’t to say that I should have argued with him anyway, because most of the time it was not even about anything important. Okay, I know I’m making this too long, but I feel like I need to give an example so you have some idea what I’m talking about. One time many years ago he said you could say anything you wanted to a cop as long as you prefaced it with “in my opinion”, such as “in my opinion you’re a fucking prick and you deserve to die” and the cop couldn’t do anything about it. So of course I’m like WTF, that’s not true, and while there’s no LAW against it, it’s not going to turn out well if you do that, and saying that it’s just your opinion isn’t going to make any difference, blah blah, blah… So like I said, completely unimportant and pointless to fight about, but we were immature enough to fight anyway, and then he would end up very resentful.

Other fights that WERE about important things would follow similar patterns.

Oh, and to answer your question, his excuse for why he doesn’t see our daughter is generally that I’m “keeping her from him”, which I guess is why I mentioned earlier that if he really believed that, he could go through the courts.

Yeah, many times. And I have reminded him many times that he can always deal with my mom instead of me to see our daughter, and he has done it before and it’s always worked out perfectly well, but he still hardly ever does it.

69

You know, Blackberry, you’re making this so much more complicated than it needs to be.

What is it you want?

Well, from your OP, it sounds like you want your child’s father to spend more time with your child. Great. That is a good and noble thing to want.

Are you willing to do what is necessary to make that happen?

Ah, see, this is where the trouble is. Paragraphs of justification, pages of explication, equivocation, and wibble-wobble. In the end, it’s all bullshit.

Woman, grab your ovaries, and make it happen.

Your daughter deserves it. The father of your daughter deserves it. You will be a better human being when you do this. The rest is just petty scorekeeping.

You have a man who currently meets his legal obligations to his child. In the past, he’s done significantly more than that. Now, it’s your turn to step up to the plate. Make it happen.

Call him, apologize for the crap you pulled way back then. Tell him you will do what it takes to get him and keep him involved in your daughter’s life. Then, do it.

Maybe that means dialing the phone and handing it to your daughter twice a week so she will talk to him. Maybe it means driving her 45 minutes each way so she can see him. Maybe it means taking care of his wife for a day so he has some respite. Maybe, maybe, maybe. If you really want this, you will find a way to make it happen.

“Yeah, but I-” Nope. Stop complaining, stop whining, stop excusing.

“Well, if he-” Nope. Stop blaming, stop putting-down, stop minimizing.

Make it happen.

70

And despite the “make it happens,” he may actually not want it. And you have to accept that as well, as non-judgmentally as you can. But you need to make sure you aren’t the reason he doesn’t want it - and make what excuses you can for the situation to your daughter. If he doesn’t want a closer relationship - if this is what he is comfortable with - it is what it is and you move on - grateful that by many measures, calling on important days isn’t bad.

71

Blackberry, I don’t want to be part of the pile on here, although I agree with about 90% of the posts here; but I do want to offer another possible solution. Seventy posts came and went and not one mention of professional counseling. YOU need it. YOUR DAUGHTER needs it. Your ex needs it too, but he has much more pressing matters at hand. Your daughter is starting to become the person you were/are (matter of opinion here) and she is more than halfway to becoming that young adult that you were. Resentment is bad for the recipient, but worse for the person harboring it. You need to see the counselor to learn to cope with it and learn how to deal with the here and now without using your past to justify your current actions if you want to create a meaningful relationship between your daughter and her father. Your daughter needs a counselor to deal with issues most children deal with less than ideal situations between split parents and to learn to develop healthy relationships between both parents, not just one (or worse yet…none). He needs counseling to deal with loss (loss of time with daughter and loss of time through a possible medical crisis). Have both parties save time and money on court and lawyer costs and spend it where it will do the most good…your collective well being.

[QUOTE=Phouka]
Maybe that means dialing the phone and handing it to your daughter twice a week so she will talk to him. Maybe it means driving her 45 minutes each way so she can see him. Maybe it means taking care of his wife for a day so he has some respite. Maybe, maybe, maybe. If you really want this, you will find a way to make it happen.
[/QUOTE]

Now…that would be an ideal stepping stone to the happily ever-after. That would be considered an act of contrition/trust/love on so many levels. Possibly a goal that you could discuss with a counselor to show that you, Blackberry have changed and would go to lengths to foster the reconnection of a father and daughter.

Good luck.

72

I don’t really think the people discussed in the OP, based on what we’ve been told, NEED counseling.

73

Uh…yeah…they do. Been there, done that, but wish I had done it sooner.

74

Uh…no…they don’t.

This is fun.

75

Control issues.
Resentment.
Stress.
Dealing with loss.
Projecting.
It’s not fun. :dubious:

76

You don’t get to pick what other people do, and you can’t change how somebody else behaves. If you want something to be different, you figure out how you can change your behavior to make whatever it is change. It doesn’t matter if it’s “not your job” or “he should change, why should I change”. You can tell yourself “it would be different if he would do X instead of Y”, but you have no way of forcing someone else to do X instead of Y, so that’s not really a useful solution. At its worst, it’s an excuse for not doing something about a situation- “I would do my homework if it weren’t all busy-work”, “I would talk to him more often if he would initiate contact”.

77

Sometimes counseling helps people communicate effectively in an environment where each person feels safe to express themselves.

78

You want your daughter to be happy, don’t you? Most parents do want that for their kids.

I can tell you, people who are always thinking “if only he would do this” or “if only she wouldn’t do that” generally aren’t happy. They are dissatisfied with their lives and feel that there is nothing they can do to change whatever it is that they’re not happy with. That’s not a pleasant feeling. If you think you’d be happy if only some other person did something different, you’ve just handed over control over whether you are happy to that other person. Most people don’t like the feeling that they’re not in control of their lives.

You get to pick between having another parent involved in her life and having total control over the parenting techniques she is exposed to. Them’s your choices. You can try to make him parent her more like you do, but that probably won’t work. That’s trying to change someone else’s behavior, which you don’t control. If you really think his parenting is bad enough that it’s doing irreparable harm to her, then cut him out of her life. If his parenting isn’t bad enough to warrant that, then let him get on with it. Your telling him what you think is wrong with his parenting is not making him want to spend more time with her, I can guarantee that.

79

I don’t agree with those who say you should force your daughter to call her dad. There’s nothing sadder than seeing your child spend a miserable 10 minutes uh-hunh’ing while he comes up with reasons why he can’t see her like she hopes or trying to have a conversation when they have nothing in common anymore other than blood. Then afterwards consoling her, trying to not disparage him. Why, yes, I do have the t-shirt.

If the main issue is how you used to treat him, it’s on you to extend the olive branch. Put it in writing. Apologize for your past behaviour, don’t overexplain, don’t blame. State what your daughter, not you, want. Send / E-mail it to him, then leave it alone.

If he responds, then it’s on you to help facilitate the meetings. Not to offer your opinion, not to complain, not to offer “Good Job!” cheers when he follows through. If he doesn’t respond, leave it alone and move on. Some people just don’t want to be parents or maybe in his mind he’s not able to be the dad he wants to be. It’s just the way it is.

I’ve posted before that I let TheKid’s dad move in when he supposedly had nowhere to go. I did it with the hope that he would spend more time with her. He didn’t. It still hurts her, and they do not have a relationship at all now (there more behind that, but it began when he moved in). I emailed him to let him know she had surgery. He asked whether she had wanted him at the hospital. No, no she didn’t. Hopefully, when she’s an adult, she can move past it, but I won’t force them on each other.

80

Jesus. I’m left with this:

The OP is one angry, bitter woman. Oh, yes, you are. Who remembers such trivial arguments as the one described regarding what can or cannot be said to a cop? WTF cares?

You want to be right; you want sympathy for your “plight”; you say you want advice and yet seem reluctant to take much of it.

It is almost too late for your daughter–if it isn’t already. YOU have been the arbiter (and the arbitrator) of their relationship. YOU will be the one held responsible for its strain; YOU will be the one resented by your daughter later in life. I’m sure your ex already does so. Do you really want to face your daughter at age 24, telling you that she hates you for not allowing her to be with her dad? It can and most likely will happen. I resented my mother for years and blamed her for his leaving. Your ghosts will come to haunt you, as they do us all. Or you can prevent a great deal of haunting by doing the decent thing here.

So, which way do you want this to play? Continue on, insisting on court orders as “proof of caring” (disregarding those early years of showing care and commitment), wishing and willing him to make phone contact while you are capable of dialing a phone yourself etc or taking HARD, concrete steps to foster a decent relationship between these 2 people? It’s YOUR choice. This isn’t going to be easy or quick–you taught Dad too well that your way is the only way and he got tired of jumping through your hoops.

You mentioned the dad is black. I don’t know what your race is, but it’s white or Asian (or anything but black) and you are denying your daughter her strongest link to a community that she may well need or want in the future, then you are acting in a deliberately hurtful and shameful way. I sincerely hope that is not the case.