What should I do with my room-mate's tamagochi?

The BBQ Pit
1

Remember them?

The spawns of hell, the fucking tamagochi, inane electronic “creatures” they are, or I should say were because, really, no one hardly owns them anymore, hell, I wonder if they still make them at all, anyway those little annoying and futile shit nuggets designed to snatch the cash of easily amused simpletons and tease the sanity of the easily annoyed, yeah, I guess that would be me, goes with the fabulously good style, I’d say, but anyway, yeah, like, tamagochi, friggin exercise in mind-numbing pointlessness they were.

The guy I share my office with’s got one.

Now, mind you, I think that for a grad student to have his own desk and office inside the school is a telling expression of the kind of abundance I’ve been swimming in and the sort of priviledged, sheltered lifestyle I’ve been blessed with, but anyway I’m digressing, and what I really want to talk about is the fucking tamagochi, hellspawn it is…

So.

FOR FUCK’S SAKE won’t the damn thing just SHUT UP?

There is absolutely NO WAY to make it cease its unending digital squeeling. None, short of utter destruction.

Yesterday, I approached the subject with The Guy I Share my Office With.

“Your tamagochi sure is noisy.” I said.
-Oh, it’s buggy and it’s kinda freaking out, I can’t make it stop.
-You know, I was wondering I you’d get mad if I used a hammer on the thing…
-OF COURSE I’d get mad!

And then he left. He seemed serious.

So now it seems like I’m fucked. I’ve got a fucking buggy tamagochi squeeling me into madness and I can’t fucking take a fucking hammer to the fucking beast?!

(What’s more, sometimes it shuts up, but when it starts up again, it sounds just like someone’s fiddling with the keypad on the doorlock, sending me scrambling to close all those popups from those, ah, ahem, adult sites I had been perusing.)

Anyway, it sure puts my paper cut in perspective, don’t it.

I’d like to appeal to the creativity of the dope, and ask you good folks: what would you do to the wretched thing that doesn’t involve a hammer?

2

Get a piece of stiff plastic about 1/4 inches wide. There’s a slot near the batteries which was used for an insulating strip that seperates the batteries during shipping. Put the plastic in the slot, and break off the extending portion. Your coworker will notice the…thing…doesn’t work, but probably won’t notice the piece of plastic hidden in the slot.

3

Supplies:
5 yards of bubble wrap
Clear packing tape
Defective tamagochi

Instructions:
1.) Spread out 5 yards of bubble wrap in hallway outside of cubicle
2.) Place tamagochi in the center of one edge of bubble wrap
3.) Grasp edge of bubble wrap and tamagochi firmly
4.) Begin rolling bubble wrap and tamagochi tightly until you reach the far end of the bubble wrap
5.) Bind securely with clear packing tape. DO NOT BE STINGY with packing tape, use the entire roll in a circular wrapping fashion.

MeanJoe

4

6.) Leave package in centre of office hallway with small sign saying “Stomp the bubble wrap!”

5

Drop it onto a glass of water.

6

There is a setting that turns the sound off. Honest.

Or, as Lizard said, I found that dropping it into a cup of coffee worked quite well at shutting it up. I’d only had it for 2 days, too.

7

MeanJoe, forgot something:

Put bubble wrapped item into a suitable cardboard container and mail to a random P.O. Box in the Middle East. (Or another country of your choice)

LL

Personally, I would dismatle the thing into as many seperate parts as possible and have the dismembered item encased in a clear plastic/resin mold and present him with a new gift - called a paper weight.

8

matt_mcl - thank you! I could not think of an appropriate use for the bubble wrapped bundle. A game of Cubicle Soccer!

9

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

The darned turd finally went to sleep (tho not for long, I suspect), just as I was about to enjoy my few precious moments of quiet, my co-roomie’s fucking cell phone starts ringing. And ringing and ringing. Look, the whole purpose of a fucking cell phone is that you can take it with you, not leave it in your desk where no one’ll answer it.

So now, I have to bubble wrap the the cell phone too.

Fuck.

If it weren’t for the fucking freight trains, I’d go back home.

10

That tamagochi isn’t getting its required microwaves…! You have to understand, tamagochi Need microwaves to be happy.

Take the unhappy tamagochi to the lunch room. Stand an empty styrofoam cup upside down in the microwave and place the tamagochi on it, like a statue on a pedastal.

Set the microvave for 5 minutes (Some Microvaves are preset for this. Remember ‘Ecstatically Happy Tamagochi’ in English is spelled ‘casserole’). Your little beeping friend will ‘fixed’ and ‘happy’ in no time!

11

Seal it in a condom and drop it into a jamjar full of cooking oil (or maybe sugar syrup; should deaden the sound without actually permanently damaging it - when the owner gets his hands messy retrieving it, maybe he will think twice about the noise.

12

Know anybody who shoots skeet?

13

Or! You could contact HR and report the guy for abusing his neopet by abandoning it at his desk! Bet he’s not supposed to have pets at work, either!

14

Uh oh…better be careful, or the cell phone will wake the Tamigochi.

15

Can you train the wee beastie to answer the mobile?

16

Duct-tape it to the front of the building.

I used to do this to cube cow-orkers who couldn’t remember to turn off their 90dB goddamn musical ringers indoors, and would leave them on their desks when they wandered off to lunch or two-hour coffee breaks.

<hijack>

Musical phone ringers are fucking irritating, and extremely obnoxious. They are the workplace equivalent of waking up from a nice sleep to find the dog straddle-humping your face. Get a personality and lose the goddamn jingle, you felch-faced ringerwhores.

</hijack>

17

Oh… another variant, chain it to a post outside your building, under a sign which says “FREE International Calls!”

Another solution: encase it in crystal-clear acrylic.

http://www.smoothon.com/PDF/Crystal%20Clear%20200%20Series%20-%20TB.pdf

This stuff is wonderful. Can you manage to sneak the Tamagotchi away for a full day? If so, imagine his horror when he comes back to find the little beeping bastard encased in a solid block of clear, hard plastic.

18

Re: encasing the little insect inside clear acrylic: No, no, make him watch a la Empire Strikes Back…

19

I say overfeed it.

One of the buttons on the front is a “feed me” button. Keep hitting it, whenever the thing makes a noise, whenever he’s out of the orifice. After not too long that damna-whatsit will get sick. That should shut it up.

Cruelty to animals doesn’t count when it’s an eletronic animal.

20

How about telling him to bring it home as it’s so annoying you can’t get work done.

Or you could cover it in glue and roll it in finely broken glass.