What the hell did you just do, you moron?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
141

Just thought of another great move by me.

I was screwing around with an Osterizer (putting it back together after cleaning it I think). Hmmmm, I wondered, what would happen if I just set the blade directly on the machine and turned it on? I did, it spins REALLY REALLY fast. After about a half a second I got kinda freaked out so I hit the off button and backed away so it could slow down. As I did that it flew the fuck off and went straight for the back wall. I still shiver when I think what could have happened if it had come towards me instead.
If anyone ever does that, make sure you have a good grip on the base of the blade (the part that would screw into the glass part) and don’t let go. Better yet, just don’t do it. High risk/low reward.

142

So I get out fo work and take a trip into the next town over for dinner. I promised myself a small treat for making it through the workday (so sore!) anyway as I pull into town I hear a weird noise, I keep hearing it, finally I stop to see what it is.

Turns out I shut my headphones in the car door and they don’t take being drug 12 miles over pavement very well at all.

143

Got off my 150cc Yamati scooter like it was a bicycle. :smack::eek:

No way I could have said, “It’s okay, I meant to do that!” to the bystanders in the parking lot.

This happened a year and a half ago, and there are probably others, but I can’t REMEMBER them right now! ;):smiley:

So, do I win anything?:wink:

Quasi

144

Chef Guy et al - I think we have material for a whole 'nother thread of shit we wish we didn’t have to take credit for in the kitchen. Lord, I got me a whole stockpot of that. Please pass the silver nitrate cream.

Miss Woodhouse, my dumbassery occurred in the opposite season. Very glad I didn’t have any passengers to think about.

Mid-Winter, New England State College, round about noon. We receive the information that the state/University is closing and that we should all make our ways safely home. We have about 4" on the ground with another 6" or so predicted for early afternoon/drive time, so I send my subordinates home, secure the building, put on my boots and go out to clean off the car.

I casually brush off the existing 3" of snow above the driver’s side door, get in and turn it on to warm up - set defroster, crank the fan up, full heat etc., grab snowbrush, and exit the car. As the door latches, I realize I’d heard that telltale honk…wow. Yes indeed. I must have inadvertantly squeezed the lock-orama thingy. My car is running, doors locked, with my house & office keys and cell phone inside it. I’m probably the last one out of a building that the state is closing for a weather emergency for at least 24 hours.

All I can think is SHIT MOTHERFUCKER NOBODY’S HERE!! FUCK I HAVE TO WALK HOME AND LET MY GODDAMN CAR RUN OUT OF GAS! IN THIS SHIT?!? FUCK. Call AAA? Oh please, no. They’re dealing with fatalities on the interstates right about now, so take a number.

Many gods were smiling upon me that day: amazingly, an Indian student was still in the building and heard me pounding on the much-disused back entrance to her lab. Such a kind person, she drove me to my dad’s house (not far but up & down some nasty New England hills) to get a spare key to go open my damn car & turn it off. This gal was 100% inexperienced in driving in snow conditions and yet offered to drive me, and did a great job. (D.A., wherever you are, thank you again.)

145

Don’t laugh too loud - one fire safety course I attended once claimed this as the biggest cause of kitched fires (except of course the perpetrators actually fell into a drunken sleep)

146

A few weeks ago while grocery shopping I left my car running and the doors unlocked in the parking lot. Didn’t have a clue until I got back with my groceries and wondered why my headlights were on. When I have left the keys in the ignition in the past it’s usually because I was sitting and listening to the radio after shutting the engine off, but in this case I have no earthly idea why I walked away with the engine running.

147

Yesterday I was in a corn maze on black soil with clay content. We walked around in 9 foot tall corn. The ground was damp from rain a day before and not too bad to walk on if careful. It started to rain when we were at the far end of the maze half way through. My sister in flip flops had real trouble walking the field without falling. I had to be careful. We did get back. My little niece had fallen down a few times during her travels, but before the rain. She did most of the maze barefoot with dirt up her legs. I got home and I walked onto the carpet with this clay still on my shoes I didn’t take off. I just finished cleaning the carpet half an hour ago.

148

So it was a Saturday morning and I was preparing for a trip out of town. I got up early and realizing that I would need some “walking around money” I drove to a nearby ATM and put in my card, then punched in my PIN. The machine beeped indignantly at me, told me I had put in the wrong PIN, and promptly devoured my card (the bank obviously has a zero tolerance policy on PIN entry). Never fear, I said to myself. I’ll just use the other bank - which fortuitously had an ATM across the road. So I drove over there, put my card in, punched in my PIN, and waited. No, I didn’t experience the same problem. This time I received the cash, took it and the receipt, and promptly drove away. Just as I left the parking lot I realized that I had left my card in the ATM. I went back, but the machine had already eaten my card.

149

One morning, we were running late for church, and as I was blowing my hair dry, I had to pee really bad all of a sudden. (Old men and their kidneys, right?):slight_smile:

So I turn around, face the bowl, unzip… and some little voice said, "**Dude![/B, you’re probably already facing a “deadline’! You really wanna catch that bus now?”:o:rolleyes:

Also, here in Carroll County, those of us who live outside the city limits can use what are called “Convenience Centers” where we can take our household garbage and other recyclables.

So one day D asks me to gather up the trash so we can take a load to the CC.

So that’s what I did.

Gathered it all up.

Every damn bit of it.

Including $125.00 worth of re-filled meds that D had just brought home, which were still in their drugstore bag, which looked like a couple of other white bags that did have some trash in them.:smack:

We didn’t find out about this till the next morning (A Saturday) and it was HELL trying to track down her doc and then (on Monday) try to convince her insurance company that this really DID happen!

Luckily our pharmacist knows us and was able to loan D enough to get us through the weekend!

I’m tellin’ y’all! If I had had a hole, I would have burrowed my way to China.

“How did D react, Quasi?”, you must be asking yourselves.

Well, after peeling me off the ceiling (I’m given to having rages, although they’re controlled now). She hugged my neck, and said “We’ll take care of it, Honey.”

That’s me. (Just a laugh a minute)

And that’s D. (Unending patience)

Quasi

150

Jebus, the screw-ups never stop. This morning I’m making a sauteed ham and parmesan omelette on my trusty 3-burner, too-small-for-two-pans-at-once, motor-home-sized gas stovetop. As the ham was getting toasty, I realized that I hadn’t turned on the coffee yet, so I removed the pan from the burner, sliding it back to one of the rear burners.

Yes, that’s correct, I passed the handle over the still-lit burner, with my hand still wrapped around it. The smell of burned hand-hair added a certain ambience to the morning’s breakfast.

151

I can’t count how many times I’ve done that over the years.

152

It just isn’t breakfast without the aroma of freshly burnt hand hair.

This is my current asdfasaskgf thing. I’m just chilling at work yesterday. Busy sorting seed corn like a corn sort’n mofo. I was exhausted. Been there 9 hours and it was super bad corn. I was already loopy from a mixture of exhaustion, caffeine, and sugar when someone comes and tells me this girl “over there” likes me. My brain locked because I’m very shy so I just start giggling from shy embarrassment.
Never thought to ask where “over there was” till the dude walked away. So now I have a secret admirer due to brain lock up it seems.

I’ll ask the next time I’m at work.

153

I don’t understand you RV’ers who have trouble with your stabilizers scrapping the ground and digging trenches. I’ve never had those problems! Mind you, I have had to improvise when I reach down and can’t find the stabilizer - only the twisted frame where it used to be.

I’ve washed two phones because I didn’t take them out of my pockets before putting them in the laundry. Drying them out they 95% work, its that last 5% and the constant buzzing that’s the deal-breaker.

I washed both cars one weekend and hate getting all of one car done only to have to go in wet and sweaty and get the keys for the other one. The next day I’m at work after my nice 22 mile drive and the wife calls asking me where the other car keys are. I go to the car to confirm suspicions. As I’m walking up I see the keys - sitting on the back trunk against a small depression where the spoiler meets it. {22 miles and it’s still there! :eek: )

On a similar note, we spend the day at the lake an hour away. We leave and I put the binoculars and drinks on the van roof while I load the rest of the stuff. I get the drinks and we drive away. I turn onto the highway out of the park and hear a scratch and thud but it seems more like loose road gravel so I think nothing of it. We get home, unpack, and can’t find the binoculars. I’m annoyed at myself mightily all evening. So … I get up very early before work and drive the hour back to the lake. In the dim dawn I inch the car along and use headlights and flashlights to check the place where we parked. Replaying events it starts to dawn on me too. I had ignored that thunking noise, but what if?.. I turn onto the dam bridge and inch along on the shoulder. Lo and behold I actually spot it at where I remembered the thunk (am I brilliant, or what?). It’s functional but the focusing gear is loose and you have to hold it at the correct angle to see through it. Wow! I did it! Never mind the time and inconvenience and the stupidity. And then, I had two binoculars and only found one. A week later I was filling up the van and was just gazing around as you do when you’re waiting. I saw the other binoculars sitting on the van roof next to the roof rack. Holy Shit!

154

On a similar note, some years ago I was driving our old RV up to Denali from Anchorage and stopped at Glenallen for gas. Took off the gas cap, set it on top of the pump, locked the nozzle on and let it fill. It kicks off and I hang it up, get distracted by a shiny object and drive off without the cap and the fill door hanging open (might as well be a large sign saying “Moron at the wheel!”).

I get all the way up to Paxson and pull in to gas up, then find the problem. Ah, shit. I glance at the gas pump and there on top of it is…a gas cap! It couldn’t possibly fit my rig, I mean, what are the odds of that? Insert, tighten, clickclickclick. Sonuvabitch! :cool:

155

Way back when my buddy and I were cutting and drilling some 2x4s. I laid the board across my knee, drilled two holes, third one went through the board, and into my leg.

My buddy rolled around on the floor for 10 minutes as I bandaged myself up.
10 minutes after that, he did the same thing, with the circular saw. His jeans got the worst of it, he only needed 6 or 7 stitches.

Guess what we were trying to build??

156

There was a commercial from a supermarket a couple of years ago: A guy goes to a supermarket, buys some stuff, puts it in an empty cardboard box, puts the cardboard box on the roof of his car to get out his keys, opens the door, gets in, drives off. At the first red light he brakes, the cardboard box he forgot comes crashing down in front of his car. :smiley: He drives back, buys the same stuff again, same sequence. As he’s driving off, he reaches up through the open window to pat his roof to make sure he didn’t forget anything again … his keys are up there. :stuck_out_tongue:

And then a comedy show did a spoof of that where he buys the second time a big tube of glue and glues the box to the roof, with the rest of the cars driving around with boxes glued to their roofs, too.

157

A stretcher or a whole ambulance? A 2 by 4 is too big for a medicine cabinet, right?

158

Many years ago, when I visited Vienna for the first time and my German was ropy, I needed to use the toilet in the hotel lobby. I wondered about the sign on the door. What does it say? Is it permanent? Does it apply to me? I asked myself just before faceplanting at the bottom of four steps.

The sign, of course, said ‘Achtung Stufe’.

159

Which translates as Attention, watch your step

160

A sawhorse? A pair of crutches?