Since I lack self-awareness skills, I once again post my plea to the pit.
My significant other’s family hires a server at their holiday gatherings. The server is an old African American woman.
It seriously bugs the shit out of me to sit there and have an old African American woman serve me gefilte fish at passover. It wouldn’t bug me if the person serving me gefilte fish were a young student, working his way through college. In fact, I’d think…how great that this family wants to help out by giving a starving student some work, etc. The old woman happens to have worked for this family for years and years. The family helped find her a house, get her kids into good schools…all kinds of stuff.
I’ve a sneaking, horrifyng suspicion that I’m showing some racist prejudice in this rant. Every time that woman shuffles in the room, I want to jump up, take whatever she’s got in her hands, and make her sit in my place.
In short, I can’t find a logical, non-emotional response to this woman. It doesn’t make sense that it should bug me so much.
No. I’d be happy to give her the extra, probably unreported income. She probably needs it worse than a college kid–he can go work at McDonalds, she can’t, because if she’s on Social Security, Medicaid, etc., she’s got an earnings cap, and if she earns too much money, she loses her aid.
So no, it’s all in your head, relax, nobody’s accusing your SO’s family of racism.
Unless, of course, they require her to dress up like Aunt Jemima and wear a 'do rag and address your SO’s dad as “Massa” and sing Negro spirituals while she’s passing the gefilte fish…Now, that would be racist…
If it makes you feel any better ouisey, I feel that way pretty much anytime I see someone of advanced age working in a service oriented job. The 68 year old working the grill at a diner, the white-haired old man sweeping up at the mall, even the elderly “greeters” at Target and the like. It just bugs me. Not because elderly people shouldn’t be able to support themselves or anything, but just because–Hell–by that point in their lives it seems like they should be able to just kick back and relax. And to have them serving me? Serious heebie-jeebies. I feel like an ungrateful, disrespectful whippersnapper for not doing exactly what you suggest–taking over their task and plopping them down with a nice hot cup of tea or something.
Irrational, but there it is.
I figure that the women probably needs the job and it is much better then any other she is likely to get. It sounds like she is almost part of the family in a round about way.
However, I feel the same thing when ever I see an older person doing a job like that. I just feel like they should rest and let me take care of it. It is like making grandma wash the dishes. I doesn’t happen in my family if the grandkids are around.
I used to have an SO whose family had lots of money. They had an older woman who worked as a live-in maid, cook, etc. I was VERY uncomfortable being served food, then just leaving the table, dishes, etc. for her to worry about. Funny it’s differerent in a restaurant.
I agree, I feel the same way. It just seems disrespectful to have someone my gramma’s age waiting on me. You should have seen me at thanksgiving (here Gram, let me take that. No, no, let me help. Grampa, I’ll get your soda. I’ll carry that for you…)
For a very long time my grandmother had a black woman, Francis, as a housekeeper. I don’t know when she started working for my grandmother, but she did until grandma sold the house maybe 4 years ago. Francis is older than my grandmother, I think.
I never thought anything of it as a kid, and she was kind of like part of the family (for a long time I just thought she was one of grandma’s friends), but I think now I might feel a little uncomfortable, but only because of the age thing, as others have said.
[q]by that point in their lives it seems like they should be able to just kick back and relax.[/q] They should be able to just kick back and relax if that is what they want to do. I’ve known quite a number of senior citizens who worked well past retirement age, not because they needed the money, but because they’ve been working all of their lives and they like it! I realize some older people work because they couldn’t live without the money, and that’s sad, but can we just throw a blanket statement over the old folks that, now that they’re old, they shouldn’t work? My FIL is almost 80, and still does volunteer work (and consulting work for which he is well paid, from time to time), because he realizes that it is important to his mental health to keep busy.
On one of his masterclass recordings made at Princeton University, Billy Joel talks about how he came to write the song “Vienna.” He was visiting his father there and saw an old woman sweeping the street. HE asked his father why this nice old lady had to sweep the street. His father replied, “She has a job . . . she feels useful . . .” Then Billy goes on to talk about how we treat our old people in the US – shuffle them off to retirement/nursing homes and let them worry about their social security – as opposed to older cultures where older people are valued for their experience and knowledge.
I’m aware that some folks just like to work norinew, and didn’t mean to suggest differently. And if you’ll read my post again, you’ll see that nowhere did I say old folks shouldn’t be allowed to work. If your FIL likes to keep his mind sharp, more power to him. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like shit when I see some 80 year old woman mopping the floor at Mickey Ds.
What if it were a young African American woman or man? What is it that you have against her shuffling in the room? No card-playing at the seder, right? And maybe she doesn’t want to sit in your place.
In answer to your question: No, it wouldn’t trouble me.
Just wanna second Norinew and point out that it’s much more likely that the old lady mopping the floor at Mickey D’s is there because she wants to be there, not because she’s desperate for money. Mickey D’s, and also Wal-Mart (for greeters), make a point of hiring Senior Citizens who may not particularly need the money but who just wanna get out of the house and mingle with people.
For one thing, both jobs are physically fairly demanding, you’re on your feet during your entire shift, so don’t waste too much pity on that Poor Old Lady who looks like she ought to be sitting in a rocking chair, knitting. That Poor Old Lady could probably mop you right into the ground.
You are making an awful lot of assumptions here. Almost every single statement in this paragraph is an assumption based on the fact that she is 1.old and 2.black. It is this kind of latent racism, the kind that is veiled as compassion that I find the most frightening.
Hey, ouisey, i can’t pretend to know all the circumstances behind the situation you describe, but i can empathize with your discomfort.
I moved to the US a couple of years ago, to a city that is about 70% black (Baltimore, MD). Being a grad student, i live near my university in a neighbourhood that is mainly composed of (white) students and (white) middle and upper-middle class professional types. It seems that wherever i turn, i and a bunch of other white people are being served by African Americans. The local grocery store, the post office, the public library, city buses, at the university (service staff, janitors, secutiry staff, etc.). Perhaps the most egregious example is the University’s faculty club (i’ve been as the guest of faculty members a few times), where a bunch of old white profs and alumni sit around the luxurious lounges in jackets and ties while young black men and women wait on them hand and foot.
I don’t want to turn my post into a long rant against racial inequality in America, and nor am i proposing any solution here. I’m just saying that, logical or not, being served by African American all the time makes me vaguely uncomfortable. On the other hand, i’m not about to ask any of them to give up their livelihood so that my “white guilt” can be appeased.
Rilch: Many old people “shuffle”. Got nothing to do with racism. Don’t automatically assume that just because you see the word used to describe the way an old black woman is walking, that it cloaks some hitherto unsuspected “latent racism”. Chill.
Geez, what a dumbass thing to say. :rolleyes: Racist “assumptions” in my paragraph?
If you think you are detecting a tone of patronizing racist compassion in my post, you’d better ask for a refund on that mental telepathy course you took, dipshit.
I don’t see how you get any “latent racism” out of that paragraph–you must have had to work really, really hard to see some in there, hope you didn’t strain your rudimentary brain.
No, stupid, every single statement in that paragraph is an assumption based on the fact that she is old. Period. Anything else that you see in there has emerged out of the fertilizer-rich corners of your dysfunctional brain.
That would be my grandmother Belladonna. She’s tried to retire twice, she can’t stand it. Oh, and she’s 86, not 80. She says she spent so many years cleaning up after 12 kids, she just can’t think of anything else she wants to do.
It does suck that some people have to work at that age. Neither of my grandmothers had to, they just did. My other grandmother is 85 and she just retired within the last year.
Wow! I’m totally mystified by that, especially seeing as how at 25 I’m already counting the days until I can retire. But I guess after twelve kids, a job probably seems like vacation to her. Just the thought of that makes my head reel.
You guys have really made me reconsider my stand on this–I hereby withdraw my heebie-jeebie factor. And I’ll try to remember the next time I see an older person working, that they probably neither need nor want my pity. Thanks, seriously.
I’m old and my arthritis sometimes gives me a shuffle ( kind of like Redd Fox ) I work 40 hours a week. I don’t expect any sympathy nor do I have any for anyone else that works for a wage. As you get older mother nature has a way of making existence a bit more difficult for all of us, not just the old woman that served you fish. Don’t waste too much sympathy on others because you too will surely have your turn at shuffling someday.
I wonder how she feels about her situation. She might be perfectly content. It’s all about one’s own boundaries. You can’t champion a cause that doesn’t need championing. Doing so would only force your ideals on someone else who might not share them. (The story of condoms used as hut insulation in 3rd world countries comes to mind). Instead, try getting to know her. The fact that she’s an employee should not mean she can’t have a discussion with the family she works for… unless the family insists she not do so. If that’s the case, then it sucks.
And maybe she doesn’t want to sit in your place.
