I just wanted to say I think the woman was doing it with what she considered the best of intentions. She was not trying to be an asshole. I don’t know how she would have actually responded if I had said no. I just think that is a really stupid question to ask someone in that situation, especially if you do not already know the answer. I am not the sort, though to reply snarkily to something of that nature even if I do think it.
The comment about being a few years ahead in school was more in reaction to the tone of the question than the content. “Did he know Earl Smith?” except Earl was replaced with “The Lord.”
Well, I grew up in the suburbs in Georgia, where the religion was a lot more homogonized and people rarely encountered those of different faiths. Not so rural as to get much of the Fire and Brimstone types, but not so urban so that people are familiar with religions other than their own apart from the knowledge that they exist. And in that environment, “Do you know the Lord?” is no more loaded a question than “Are you a Christian?” It doesn’t automatically imply a value judgement, but gives the opportunity for the asker to offer more eloquent condolences if you happen to share the same religion. If someone answers no, you can just say, “My condolences.”
Look, the last thing I want to do is turn MentalGuy’s situation into an argument, or stamp all over his grief, or ruin his chance to vent. So I don’t want to belabor the point. I just wanted to throw the idea out there that there’s a chance it wasn’t an attack, or persecution, or judgement of any kind, but simply a sincere and genuine attempt to offer comfort.
Actually, my current city’s fairly religiously homogenous; it’s just that the form the religious homogenity takes is Catholicism! That’s why, while my turning up with ashes on my forehead in February or March isn’t all that surprising (Episcopalians also celebrate Ash Wednesday), the fact that I eat meat on Fridays in Lent is!
I see your point. If people spend most of their time around around like minded individuals then a question like that might slip out. Still, given the circumstances it was a poor choice. I don’t mean the discription of thoughtless and inappropriate to be a blazing condemnation of her as a person. We all might be guilty of those things under certain circumstances. I do think that discription is accurate. I think if people {myself included} are told when we say something that is inappropriate we might learn something about others views and respect.
I agree the comment was probably just not thought through and not malicious. Somewhere there should be a list of comments that are often said in situtations that AREN’T appropriate - particularly the hard ones - death, divorce.
“I think he found him before he died, but he forgot to tell us where, so now we’ve misplaced him again!”
That’s a peeve of mine too. About ten years ago someone close to me died and all I heard from her very religious family was, “God doesn’t give us more than we could handle.”
It seems the deceased got a little bit of an overload, huh? Just who is “God” looking out for anyway? It’s all a part of his plan? For whom? If Michelle dying was all apart of his plan, how do I know it’s a plan for me? Maybe I’m next on his list and his big plan is actually for Bubba McFarmer in Pigsknuckle Iowa.
I actually tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to “comforting” the bereaved. Any of the supposedly comforting things to say at or just after a funeral always come off sounding trite, not thought through, and definitely of no comfort to the bereaved. I usually check in with a periodic, “How are you doing? You holding up OK?”
No, that’s not comforting either, but I figure if I can’t think of anything comforting to say, at least asking after the well-being of someone who has lost someone near and dear to them won’t offend their religious (or non-religious) sensibilities.
And my shoulder is handy if they need a good hug and cry.
MentalGuy, my condolences on the loss of your father.
I hope you don’t take it amiss if I bookmark this thread, so that I can copy down the snarky responses to the rude question. I’m Christian, but I would have no hesitation about using any of them.
MentalGuy, I apologize. No offense intended, I mean it. I didn’t mean to imply that you can’t reasonably take offense at those kind of comments, only that you don’t have to. So much of this thread is extrapolation and extension of the original thing said, “Did he know the lord?”, to unpleasant extremes (nobody said or even implied that your father was in any way lacking, that his faith was inadequate, that he did not deserve a place in Heaven, that you smell bad, etc.) that a lot of vitriol is being directed not at what your co-worker said, but at what she might have meant by it, which just seems unnecessary. And I know you didn’t respond the way you suggested, I’m just kind of glad you didn’t.
BUT. Having extended the benefit of the doubt to your co-worker, I admit that I can’t get off the hook so easily. In your bereavement, I could have offered my condolences and stopped, but I didn’t. That was rude, and I hope you’ll realize that my intent was to help you let go of an unnecessary grievance, and forgive me. I am sorry.
