What to do (family problems)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok, first, a little back story.

My parents divorced right after I was born. My mother got custody (she filed for the divorce) but still allowed me to see my father (who lived 120 miles away), albeit rarely. I have lived with her at her house and with her parents (they live in the same town) for my whole life (I am 19). Now my dad wasn’t the best at sending checks, so last year, my mother (who has since remarried [my father has not]) took him to court, and a judge ordered him to catch up on all the missed payments.

My step-father, who is a really good guy, has been married to my mother for around 10 years. He has three kids with an ex-wife, and they come visit, my parents go see them for engagements, Christmas, etc.

This past weekend, I go visit my father. I don’t tell my mother because I know she’;; be very mad. But somehow, she had a suspicion (I don’t know why) that I was away from college, and found out where I was. She promptly called and said if I want to see him so much, I might as well live with him, and she basically disowned me. This was the first time I had seen my father in two years.

More often than not, I stay with my grandparents (mother’s parents) because they live out in the county, have a bigger house, etc. She threatened/plans to call her father (who apparently hates my father) and let him know that I went to see him. Apparently, her goal is to get her father to disown me too and force me to become solely dependent on my father. She has also told my step-father that she plans to have my father imprisoned for contempt of court. I don’t know what the details of the settlement were back in 1988, so I don’t know if he’s in trouble or not. My mother is considering having him lose his job, etc, but only after all of his back-payments are completed.

My grandfather doesn’t know yet, but I think my mother is very intent on what amounts to starting turmoil between the whole family.

I don’t really know how to best handle this situation.

Any advice?

Thanks

My grandfather doesn’t know yet.

2

If I didn’t know better, I would think that we have the same mother. :slight_smile:

I’m sorry to hear that your mother is causing so much trouble. Did she give you a reason why she doesn’t want you to have any contact with your father? From my point of view, it sounds like she’s very controlling and wants things her way. “If you’re not with her, you’re against her” sort of thing.

Can you talk to your step-father or any set of grandparents? Is there any way to find out why mother has flown off the handle so quickly?

Good luck.

3

My paternal grandparents are sadly not around anymore. I try not to complicate myself with the “irreconcilable differences” of my parents, but want to form my own opinion of someone rather than just excommunicating someone solely because people I’m around do the same.

Like I said, my step-father is a very good guy. He tries to calm her down and wants this whole mess to just go away.

My mother’s way of life seems to be “my way or the highway”. and it seems now like she is bent on just being malicious toward my father and me.

Hopefully if she does tell her parents, they will just shrug it off. I am the kind of person who isn’t vindictive. If someone offends me, I just let it go. But she is hell-bent on just being hurtful. :frowning:

4

Yikes! If I were in that position, I’d call my grandfather and head her off at the pass. Explain that you visited your dad and you’re a little bewildered at your mother’s reaction. With any luck, he’ll hear your side of the story with a fresh ear and not be blindsided by Angry Mom. Try not to sound all whiney-like, but just, “Gramps, something really weird happened, and I need your advice.” People love to be asked for advice - it puts them on your side for the moment. And, of course, he might know another angle on the story that might illuminate things for you, and he could even have some good advice for how to handle your mother, so there are several reasons to make him your ally.

5

What Whynot said.

6

I just talked to a woman at work who was the mother in a similar type of situation. She was yelling at her son (13 years old) for calling/texting his father. I did my best to try and explain to her that he’s just a kid, that’s his dad, what’s wrong with wanting to know him? Yeah, the dad might be a deadbeat, whatever. I can’t understand why someone would guilt trip their own children simply for wanting to know their other parent.

I don’t know what to tell you, it’s a tough situation. I’m sorry you’ve been placed in it.

7

That bites.

At 19, you’re legally an adult, aren’t you?

How do you feel about your mother? Your father?

It sounds as if you have a good relationship with your grandfather, so follow Whynot’s advice.

8

Well it sounds like she won’t be calling him after all, which is a good thing. She talked to me on the phone for a good half hour giving me all the reasons why I shouldn’t talk to him. Then I just got off the phone with him and he said he’ll as much or as little contact with me as I want, even if he doesn’t like how little it is.

I’m stuck between the proverbial Rock and Hard Place. It’s like i’m being pulled in two directions at once. So not fun. I told him that for now it would be best to keep things down and out of the way as to not piss anybody off.

Quartz, I am technically a legal adult, but to put myself in a position where I could be cast away from my home and my monetary support, both of which I’ve had for my whole life, would just make everything FUBAR. As much as I hate it, I told my dad that we should keep our contact to a quiet minimum, at least until I’m financially independent. I love my home and my family. I know my father can support me, but the anomie would kill me.

I think I will just try to let this heal itself, hopefully everything will resolve quietly, and the status quo will be maintained.

God this sucks

9

I think you’re being very sensible.

10

It’s too bad that your Mom doesn’t realize that whatever wrongs they both have had in their marriage, those wrongs have nothing to do with you. Even if fathers don’t pay child support, I think that should go through the courts and the children shouldn’t be in the middle of their war.

Your chosen course of action is a wise one, and I feel for you: it’s unfair that your mother should try to keep you from your dad. Many children of divorce go through that kind of tug-of-war, and even though you are no longer a child, your pain can be felt in your post.

All this shall pass though. Take care of yourself.

11

So sorry to hear you’re going through this.

I always told my kids to love their dad, they didn’t have to love his behavior (he used to be very violent).

Sounds like you’ve got a good plan going. I wonder, are you close to me geographically? I’m in Miss. as well. E-mail’s in my profile if you’d like to chat. Sounds like you’re close to my kids’ age.

Best of luck Feppytweed.