What to do while waiting for "The Call?"

In My Humble Opinion
1

In our last episode, we witnessed the shocking revelation that mild-mannered doper SolGrundy is secretly a card-carrying gay man! (It’s still being laminated; the guys at the office say they’ll get it to me “soon”.) Now, stand back as he dredges up some more personal effluvia!

It turns out that I’m not the big, hairy, 33-year-old guy I’d imagined myself to be, but am in fact a 13-year-old schoolgirl. At least, that’s the only way I can explain how I could have such a debilitating crush on a person. It’s all I can think about. If I still used a notebook, I’d be writing his name in the margins. It’s downright unseemly.

As it stands now, we’ve met in person once and talked online several times. We seem to get along great, and he’s always leaving it open to hang out again “soon.” But I can’t tell if there’s any interest there, or if we’re hanging out as friends. (Which would be okay with me, just not ideal). I left a message on his machine saying that anytime this week would be fine to go out for drinks again, trying desperately not to make it sound desperate. And now I’m just waiting for the call back.

Any suggestions on constructive stuff to do while you’re waiting? Apparently eating’s out of the question because I’ve lost my appetite. I’ve tried talking to a couple of my friends about it, but a) I’m “newly out”, so although they’ve been extremely cool and supportive of it, it’s still feels a little weird (maybe just for me) to be talking to them about guys; and 2) they’re telling me useless stuff like “relax” and “take things as they come” and “try to be friends first, and then see what happens” and “chill out, get over yourself, and stop being such a dope.” I can’t do anything with that kind of “constructive” “advice”!

So far my activities have been:
[ul]
[li]Checking my cell phone to make the ringer’s still on.[/li][li]Posting hypocritical messages on the SDMB telling other posters not to stress out about a guy calling them back[/li][li]Checking out recorded shows on the TiVo, then stopping them after 5 minutes to check my cell phone and make sure the ringer’s still on.[/li][li]Looking in the mirror and trying to find an angle at which I could be considered attractive to anyone of either sex[/li][li]Composing the “would you like to start dating?” speech, along with appropriate acceptance and rejection speeches[/li][li]Resolving to chill out, get over myself, and ask one of my friends to go out and see a movie, then sitting back down and checking the call log on my cell phone.[/li][/ul]

Now, I am not a trained psychoanalyst, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this isn’t entirely healthy behavior. I’ve tried to do all the diversions that helped me temporarily quit smoking a while back (taking a walk, playing games or reading message boards), but I get distracted. Seriously, I’m curious: what do you sane people do when you’re trying to get your mind off something?

(And for the record, I’d prefer if this thread didn’t get lumped in one of those “sequential thread titles” things with “vows not to masturbate.”)

2

Clean the house.
Play violent video games.
Make sure you can hear your cell phone over the sound of the video games.
Check the battery on your cell phone to make sure it’s fully charged.
Laundry.
Make sure you can hear your cell phone over the washing machine.
Yardwork.
Make sure your cell phone gets a good signal out in the yard.
Plan elaborate seven-course meals.

3

card carrying gay man?

There is a Union for gay men?

What are the bennies?

Can I, as a hetero female, join?

I love showtunes.

4

This sounds just like what happens when a guy goes gaga for a chick (based on personal experience). So, based on that, you’re perfectly healthy!

Although, don’t things work a little differently in Heteroland and Gayland? E.g., if a guy feels that way for a chick, then he hopes the chick feels that way about him. And usually if he feels that way, he’s hoping that they can become a couple and stay together happily ever after. (Of course, you can lust after a chick’s bod, just the bod, short-term, but then, usually, you won’t pine so much.)

So far, so good and the same.

But isn’t the drive toward long-term committment much less, uh, there in Gayland? It’s already a losing bet in Heteroland, but in Gayland even more so? I mean, you could get all worked up over this dude and then find out that, like x% of gay dudes that he’s just a swinger.

I wish you buona fortuna, of course, but you might want to do some risk analysis before you completely destroy your nerves.

5

Sounds a lot like what happens when a chick goes gaga for a guy, too. I think the “going gaga” symptoms are more or less universal.

Do something that gets your mind off the waiting. Whatever it is you do, make sure it’s at least somewhat absorbing and demands your attention and/or effort. Yardwork, laundry, and housecleaning are all very good suggestions, IMHO. Organizing your photos, or tools, or what-have-you works pretty well, too.

So does almost anything that requires that you actually leave the house and engage with the outside world. Go shopping, go see a movie, go check out a cool art exhibit or something.

You could also call a friend. Then you could talk about how nervous you are, and your friend will tell you how he or she felt in similar circumstances. Or your friend will tell you what’s new in his or her life, so your attention is diverted. That makes the waiting much easier to bear. And, if this guy you’re so crushed out on likes you at all, he’ll deal with leaving a message. Then you can call him back and play it cool.

6

More of a discount shopper deal, like Sam’s Club or Costco. He can still get in on his guest pass, but he doesn’t start to accumulate points until the paperwork gets finished at headquarters. Once he’s got enough points, he gets a toaster.

7

A toaster!

:::resists urge to make a joke about how many slots does it have::::::::

8

Bummer…I HATE the gaga. The only thing that helps is calling or stalking, neither of which are always appropriate.

I’d give it two days, and then call him back. If he’s evasive, he’s probably not going to be your boyfriend. Them’s the breaks. But I wouldn’t want to wait too long. There are other fish in the sea!

9

You know though, one can err too far on the side of caution. Back in 1994, a gal and I went on two or so dates. She was pretty cool, but one thing she did too much is talk about herself and not show enough curiosity about me. (Although I know now that I was probably too tough on girls for this reason–there are two I wish I had cut more slack, including this one.) But one night she called me. I think she was setting herself up for failure in a way, because she invited me to go out that night (it was already 6:30 or so with the next day a workday) into the city (Chicago, going from Evanston), which would have meant getting back probably after midnight. The sad thing is that I rather wanted to go, but I was tired to the point of collapse.

She never called me again. Had she done so, I am pretty sure I would have said yes. I can’t remember why I never called her; at any rate, she was in the role of pursuer and gave up too soon. Sigh I wonder what Christine is up to today. I often think about her.

So maybe I do have some concrete advice:

  1. When you make the call, don’t set yourself up for failure. Do the old salesman’s closing trick: So, would you like to do [concrete thing X], or would you like to get together sometime later in the week or early next week?

  2. Unless he clearly blows you off, do the courage thing and give it one more go. Don’t be like Christine!

10

Well, I appreciate the advice, but I’m not sure how to respond to this. Granted, I’ve been kind of hiding out in Gayland and only just recently applied for official citizenship, so I’m not aiming to be a spokesperson or anything. It sounds to me like you’re implying that gay men are inherently promiscuous, either unable or unwilling to have a real, long-term relationship. I know I’m sure as hell not that way.

I’m not angry or anything, I just want to spread the word that that’s a gross generalization that’s actually pretty harmful for guys who want to live their lives outside of a stereotype. There was a point when I actually believed the same thing; that because I was gay there was something wrong with me, and I was doomed never to have a real relationship. It wasn’t until I actually met some other guys who were comfortable with who they were that I was finally able to get comfortable enough with it. If you define yourself by your sexual orientation, then that implies that sex is all you’re interested in and your orientation is the most interesting thing about you. Not everybody’s like that.

11

I’m aware of the stereotype, which is why I suggested that the percent might be higher. Also, even if gay men have a long-tem relationship, it’s not necessarily exclusive (open, that is). Might, maybe, certainly not definite either way. You hear all kinds of things from many different sources, and I’m not in Gayland myself.

An analagous situation would be me pining after a girl who’s got a boyfriend, or who is a lesbian (“dated” one once), or who has no intention of having a serious relationship now, etc. And these thing certainly happen in Heteroland, too.

I guess my point is that you might want to set up a mental framework by which you can reduce the chance of being disappointed. I congratulate you on having the courage to come out. I’m happy for you being happy with yourself, and I do wish you a fabulous, long-term relationship with someone special to you.

12

Oddly enough, I was gonna answer your question with “Masturbate.”

13

If he doesn’t call, he’s not that interested.

He’s heard from you. He hasn’t called back. You, as a perfectly adorable guy, don’t have time to waste on guys who don’t want you. Get out there and circulate and forget him! If he calls, good, but hopefully you’ll be too busy with someone better by then. If he doesn’t call, his loss and you haven’t wasted weeks or months waiting for him.

14

Well, fuck.

Just in the interest of keeping the board completely up-to-date on my personal life: I just got an instant message from the guy. It was a complete surprise; it was past 11 so I’d resigned myself to another night without hearing from him. We start with the small talk, talking about jobs and such, music we both like, what’s going on in the city, etc. I get ready to ask if he’d like to go out on a date.

While I’m still typing, he starts telling me about this other guy who he’s interested in.

They’re going out on a date this weekend and he’s nervous about it. Because the other guy is “really dreamy.” And to show me just how dreamy, he e-mails me the other guy’s picture. So I’m sitting there in the middle of this bizarro future electronic gay love triangle with the person I’m nuts about in one window and the object of his affection in another. And, I have to admit, Other Guy is much better looking than I am; I’d probably have been attracted to. Grasping at straws, I think, “Okay, so he’s got me beat on looks, but at least I’ve probably got a better sense of humor than this other guy.” And as soon as the thought enters my head, I read “And he’s really, really funny, too.” Damn.

I guess the only saving grace is that it all happened online, so he couldn’t see the look of abject disappointment on my face. I had to keep up with the small talk, and even give relationship advice (!) and wish him luck on the date (!!!), when in reality I just wanted to punch a hole in the computer screen. Part of my planned rejection speech was that no matter what, I wanted to stay friends with him, because he’s really cool and I have few friends – male or female, gay or straight – that I can talk with so easily. That’s still true, and I still hope that we can get to be good friends. But I was hoping that I wouldn’t get called to Active Friend Duty so quickly after having my heart crushed like a grape.

Such is the story of my life. I can’t count the number of times this exact same thing (albeit more low-tech and with a gender reversal) has happened to me before! I think the only reason I was as popular as I was in high school and college was that I had hordes of really attractive women who felt comfortable enough with me that they could go on in intimate detail about guys they were attracted to who were not me. Even now that I’m finally on the right team (for me), I can’t get away from it! Arrrrggh.

I’m trying to take Abbie Carmichael’s much-appreciated (especially the adorable part) advice to heart, but for tonight I just feel like being miserable.

15

I’m sorry to hear that, I was pulling for ya :frowning:
There’s always someone out there cuter, sexier, smarter, and funnier than the guy you’re crushing on. Doesn’t make you feel any better, I know, but just keep it in mind. Besides, think of the irony when he IMs you in 3 weeks and tells you that his crush just wants to be friends/has the hots for someone else. It always happens that way. Then you can take him out for drinks, console him, and maybe end up taking a toss in the hay.
— ripped from the Manipulative Woman’s Handbook. Don’t let on I told you trade secrets…

16

Not just any toaster. One of those really cool conveyor toasters where the bread goes in the back and comes out the front. Works well for toasting those foot-long sub sammiches too!

Enjoy,
Steven
[sub]Who is TOTALLY going to SDMB hell for that one[/sub]

17

I dunno, dude; that’s kind of a reach. Maybe if you’d said something like “It’s a special toaster that has one less slot, and you have to stick the loaf in the bottom.” Or more subtle with “it only takes whole loaves, and doesn’t know what to do with bagels.” Or more direct with “it toasts a rainbow and a pink triangle on every slice.”

Thanks to the others for the advice and/or sympathy. I’m still not at all comfortable with the implication that gay crushes are any different than “regular healthy people”, or that gays are more inclined to open marriages or less inclined to long-term commitment. But I’m not going to harp on it, because it was given with good intentions, and because I didn’t intend for this to be what the thread was about. I really didn’t want this to turn into a “Ask the Homo about dating” thread; the only reason I mentioned it at all was to avoid confusion when I kept on going on about “him” and “he,” and I figured I should at least try and make it funny. This has been a little too much public display for me; if anyone needs me, I’ll be back in the closet.

18

Hey, sorry to hear about how it turned out. I can assure you that I’ve been through this same thing many, many times myself.

Hang in there–you sound like a great guy. Don’t go back in the closet. Be yourself and keep looking!

19

SolGrundy sorry to hear things didn’t work out with this guy. I’m not going to suggest you run right out and try to snag somebody else, but I’m not going to suggest that you necessarily just chill out and not try either. I’ve been in relationships with men that were wonderful. One lasted just short of 14 years (exclusive, closed relationship) and ended because he (of the mid-life crisis) said he wanted to see what else was out there. It hurt, but know what? I’m better for it. I loved him but sometimes we must move on.

Develop some good gay friends. Believe it or not, gay men don’t sleep with every gay man out there. We can be friends with each other. I have a wonderful group of friends (yes, even here in rural southwest GA) I don’t want to sleep with but whose friendship and company I cherish. I also date. I had a serious crush about a year ago myself that didn’t work out in the end. I also have those “friends” who I get together with for the sole purpose of sex. Ok, ramble on swampbear, there might even be a point in this somewhere.

Ok, point. You’re going to try, you’re going to fail and you’re going to win. Hopefully you’ll have more wins. I only know about you from your posts but you seem to be a really nice man. Somebody’s going to realize that.

I know these are not the words of encouragement you’re looking for Sol. I do, however, speak from experience. Here’s hoping thing look up for ya real soon.

20

Yeah, I shouldn’t have said that. I was in a bad mood, being over-dramatic (hey, I should be entitled to a little drama), and feeling a little over-exposed. It doesn’t work that way, obviously – even if I wanted to, I couldn’t do an Anne Heche and switch back.

Luckily, I’ve got the best friends on the planet, who listened to me whine and then put things in perspective. My favorite quote was “I like that you didn’t just come out of the closet, but rather dashed out, tripping over the doorjamb and banging your head on the closet door.” And “I’m kind of skeptical that this guy is the only other gay man in San Francisco.”

So thanks to them, and seriously, thanks to all the dopers for the advice & encouragement. I’m still pretty ignorant about how all this stuff is supposed to work, and this seems to be the right place to fight that.