What turns a couple into a family: marriage or a baby?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My wife and I are expecting our first child next month. We’ve been married for 7.5 years at this point, and so far as we’re concerned, we’ve been “a family” since then. Hell, we’ve probably been a family since we started living together, but the marriage removed any linguistical wiggle room. When the baby comes, we’ll be adding to the family, not creating one, and I get mildly annoyed when people imply that we weren’t a family already. (Not enough to complain, but it raises metaphorical hackles.)

I’ve noticed, however, that it’s common for couples expecting their first baby to say things like “we’re looking forward to becoming a family.” Come to think of it, having a kid is often called “starting a family.” I noticed this before we were expecting, but I hear it a lot more often now that I talk to a lot more pregnant people.

I’m sure some people who talk about their new family are being figurative, and would have considered themselves a family before. But some are serious about not having been a “real family” before children came along.

I’m not sure which viewpoint is more prevalent, so I ask you: what turns a couple into a family? Marriage (or a similar commitment), or kids?

2

To quote a cliche, love makes a family. I have two married couple friends, both of whom lived together before they married. The idea that these couples weren’t families before some government official signed a piece of paper is insulting.

3

That’s a small part of what broke up my last marriage: I considered the two of us to be a family, she thought it needed three to count.

4

Neither.

Otto’s answer is correct.

5

I’d include Otto’s answer in my “or other commitment” parenthetical to marriage. “Love” is probably a better way of phrasing it, but, well, I didn’t think to put it that way in the OP.

Another phrasing: Is “family” a relationship between at least two or at least three people?

6

Family starts with love, yep. My great aunt and uncle were married for over forty years; nobody who knew them would have said they weren’t a family because they didn’t have children. Others I’ve known had a half dozen kids and they all were no more than roomates.

7

I see where well-intentioned people went wrong here; “family” doesn’t sound like two people. It sort of indicates three or more. I dunno why. Perhaps b/c the word “couple” takes the place of the word “family” in a scenario where there’s “only” two people involved.

But to say that Mr. Levins and I are not “family” b/c we haven’t procreated is bullshit. We are just as committed as people who DO procreate. (In my opinion/personal experience, perhaps more so.)

I think people who say this don’t mean any insult, however; I wouldn’t take it personally.

Lots of family members/friends/relatives, etc., just like to see other people have kids, too. It validates their own choices.

8

That might not be asking exactly what you intend it to be; there’s lots of single folks out there living with one kid and few would deny that they’re family. A good number of people would not think the same of a couple, however; as if “family”, by definition, must include children. I disagree, but I can see how the common use of the word has instilled that perception in people. Most of the time things are labelled as “family-friendly” or “family-oriented”, it means kids are welcome. A family movie is usually G rated, a family restaurant has paper placemats and crayons on the table, etc.

9

One way of looking at it:

Each of you are a member of a family before marriage, when you get married you both are now part of the same (now bigger) family. Marriage can be official as in filed in the state office, or unofficial, but unofficial marriages are hard to define externally.

Now that is commonly though of as an extended family however.

Now playing the other side:
In some respects I would say that both conditions are needed to create a family (marriage and a child), but I assume it could also apply to a multi-spouse marriage w/o children.

10

I think that “starting a family” is a euphemism for “she’s knocked up.” There seems to be a difference between “being family” and “starting a family.” My brother and I are family; my spouse (if I had one) would be family. If I had a baby, my boyfriend and I would be “starting a family.” I agree that the syntax is old-fashioned and lame, but it’s just a figure of speech. I’d say the same thing if my best friend and his boyfriend adopted a kid, so I don’t think it’s just used for hetero relationship + reproduction, but maybe that’s just me.

11

Hmmm… one of the definitions reads… One’s spouse and children, group descended from a common ancestor, group of related objects or beings…

Maybe its the ‘common ancestory’ that helps define ''family?
ALTHOUGH - if you have a partner, and you and your partner live with several pets for example…you would still think of yourself as a family wouldnt you?
Also, if the children were adopted - therefore no common ancestory, it wouldnt change the fact that you (and others) considered the group to be a family would it?

Interesting…

12

A dog!

My dog made me say that. She also would like to have the kids forcibly removed from the house so she can get back all the undivided love, attention and spoiling.

13

We knew there was much more than a hunch,
That this group, would someday form a family,
And that’s the way we all became the Brady Bunch.

The gospel according to Sherwood Schwartz indicates that a family must have a male daddy, a female mommy, a dog, and a uniformed maid. :stuck_out_tongue:

But really, I agree with you about the metaphorical hackles being raised by the implication that a family without children isn’t a family. Of course, we use “family” in all sorts of senses, so let’s say “immediate family.”

To me, the immediate family is the group that you (usually) live with and to whom you owe your primary allegiance. It is your primary social, emotional, and financial unit. Of course, there are plenty of exceptions to the above conditions, that are still considered “immediate family,” but I think it’s okay as a basic working definition. Therefore, two people, married or unmarried, gay or straight, or parent and child, can definitely be a family.

The issue of the immediate family being the primary “social, emotional, and financial unit” is, IMHO, one of the reasons we are so squicked out (and fascinated by) bigamy, whether of the “two entirely separate families who don’t know about each other” type or by the “guy with main family, and girlfriend with kid on the side” type.* How can a person have primary allegiance to two separate entities? The conflicts and complications that these situations can cause is common fodder for TV dramas of all types.

*I don’t include open polygamy here, because when it is all out in the open, then there may not be a problem of splitting primary allegiance.

14

My husband and I were absolutely a family before the MiniWinnie came along. We had even thought for a while we didn’t want kids so it never occured to me that would mean we wouldn’t ever be a family.

We never felt more like a family than when we had to be each other’s rock in times of family stress, tragedy, job difficulties, etc. THAT is what makes a family.

15

I think of my fiance as family though we’re not married yet, so I’d have to agree with the corny “love makes a family”. We’ll be a family before we have children. When we have them, we’ll just be a bigger family.

16

I would say that that the ‘bunch’ was 2 families, and they had to form a single one.

17

Well, the dictionary.com entry gives these as the primary meanings:

To many people “family” = “nuclear family” (quoth Homer Simpson: “it’s pronounced noook-you-lar”). No need to take offense. Who cares what they think?

Personally I would not have labeled my wife and I a “family” before having children. We were “shacking up” for 6+ years before we got married, which we more or less did because we decided we wanted to have children (to “start a family”).

If you asked me about my family then, as in, “how’s the family?”, I would have taken it to mean my parents. Now, the first thing I would think of are my children in response.

Of course, using “family” as a synonym for “household” is given equal weight by dictionary.com, and what greater authority can there be on usage of the English language than a free site on the Internet? Case closed! :slight_smile:

18

My husband and I are a family (with our two cats). If all goes as planned, there will never be any children added to it. My fur gets a little ruffled around holidays and such, when people assume we don’t want to spend time just with our own family; that we should always be with extended family because our own family is so small.

19

Of all the steps mentioned, the one step which, IMHO, has nothing to do with being a family is the act of “marriage.”
Many other steps can contribute to a couple becoming a family. Some of these (in no particular order, least of all importance) are:
[ul]
[li]Living together[/li][li]Joint bank account[/li][li]Joint property[/li][li]Children[/li][/ul]

Certainly, not all of the above need be present in order to declare “this is a family!” I suspect that the shift couple -> family is better viewed as a continuum rather than a sudden change, anyway.

In the end, the best definition I have for a family is: “A group of people who consider themselves a family…”

20

Family means a loving, committed relationship. Marriage license and/or offspring not necessary.