Makes sense to me. My brother is “color-blind”. As long as he’s careful about choosing clothes, it rarely matters, but he sure would like to know what it’s like to see bright red or green. (To him, blue and yellow are bright pretty colors; red and green are dull and hard to distinguish.)
Sexuality is a lot more significant socially, as it tends to define our main social relationships. But even without that, it should be easy to understand how you feel.
Meanwhile, if your life works, good for you. If you feel the need, I’m sure you know that there are therapists who might be able to help, but it wouldn’t be cheap or easy or guaranteed to succeed. Good luck in any case.
I understand. I still feel weird and ashamed too. I’ve been told I must have a hormone problem, that I should get on birth control, that I need to see a shrink (ha but I do!). Truth is I’m just not interested in sex with men or women.
Now cuddling I can totally get in to, but I haven’t found anyone who is just interested in such things.
Meh. I’ve done it many times and it’s okay (I even have kids!), but I’d have just as much fun hanging out and talking or snuggling and watching a show.
Hear, hear! This is my sentiment precisely. I have many close friends who are not hetero, and the reason I don’t want to be with a man is because women are so doggone pretty and dare I say yummy.
I think people make assumptions about women that they don’t about men. Especially young(er) women.
It also depends on your environment. When I was the only woman in a geeky research laboratory, no one seemed to care that much about my life. But suddenly everyone was all up in my business the moment I moved into an office environment full of women–all of whom are married or dating.
I’ll admit that I have “worried” from time to time that people at my church might wonder if I’m gay (scare quotes because I actually don’t care what they might think). I’ve been attending this church for 18-19 years, and aside from a young woman I dated briefly* and brought to church a few times 11 years ago, I haven’t been in any kind of relationship, and it’s well-known that I’ve never married.
Yeah. I wouldn’t really mind so much skipping out on the sex in a relationship if I could still have the other nice things.
A question for the asexuals around here: Do you enjoy other aspects of relationships, such a the snuggling, the companionship, and the emotional closeness? Have you been / would you be in a relationship that included all that stuff, just with no sex?
For me it’s not that question because I’ve had plenty SOs. I feel embarrassed and ashamed when the topic of sex comes up (and it often does!) and what seems to excite other people makes me feel kind of sick, but I don’t want to be the weirdo who isn’t turned on by normal stuff. Like porn for example. I am not some conservative prude but I loathe porn. Unless it’s for comical reasons I have no use for it. It’s not just porn but sex scenes in general, even if they don’t show much. No thanks. When I look at people that others consider hot and sexy I just feel nothing. I can’t even appreciate a nice pair of tits because it’s just another body part. I could as easily appreciate a pair of smooth elbows.
I don’t know about you, but in my group of friends sex and who is sexy and what is sexy is discussed a lot. I find nobody sexy.
My ideal relationship would not include sex. I’ve been in long-term relationships where I’ve pissed my partner off because I have no interest, and in my last one it was just accepted that it wouldn’t happen very often. He was very kind about it and I tried to make it happen as often as I could but I really just don’t like it. He could accept that I was very much a cuddler and he knew I loved him so he put up with my silliness, but after a while he complained and suffered and I felt horrible about it.
It’s not your fault that he wasn’t self-aware enough to know he wouldn’t be happy in a (nearly) sexless relationship. You were up front about that aspect, and he chose to continue seeing you anyway. Sure, when everything else seems to be working out it can be frustrating and heartbreaking and all the rest, but there’s no need for you to feel horrible about anything. I hope you realize that now?
Ya know what? I’m going to bump this thread because I never saw this question. I don’t think, until just now reading it, I ever thought that I was anything but horrible to him. But you’re right. He couldn’t accept me for who I am either so it was messed up for the both of us. It’s been nearly three years now since I lost him (to deportation) and I have little hope of trying this again but from this moment forward I’m going to stop beating myself up over how I treated him anymore. I cooked his favorite foods every single night. I cleaned. I tended his child and gave him nightly massages and didn’t often fuss when he went out drinking with his friends. I didn’t ask for anything in return but affection. He had it made other than that one thing, but it always seemed like it was the most important thing in the world to him. And that’s kinda crappy too. So thank you for your words and they’ve made me think, and now I shall have a cupcake and a relaxing moment of letting go before bed.
Excellent reason for resurrecting this thread! And good on you for suddenly, on some random Tuesday, finding a little peace. I hope the cupcake was a good one!
Strongly hetero as far as what excites me- it’s women all the way.
However, I’m not so homophobic as to be able to see and understand what would make for an aesthetically appealing man. I mean, I can see say… Rob Lowe or Idris Elba and see that they’re clearly handsome and attractive men in a way that say… Simon Pegg isn’t.
But… put me in a room with a shirtless Rob Lowe and a frumpy middle aged woman, and I’m wondering what her boobs look like, and what gets her motor running, and if I was single, probably trying to figure out how to get Lowe out of the picture.
Hmmm, in looking at google images I would say Simon Pegg is incredibly good looking but get your point. I would feel the same way as you describe but in reverse. I do my best not to be heterophobic.
