What was the first off-color joke you heard?

The first off-color joke I heard was told to me by my father sometime in the 1970s. This joke is best told by someone who can imitate a Russian accent.


Igor and Ivan are officers in the army of the Soviet Union. Tonight they are hanging out at the officers’ club, drinking vodka after a long day of pistol-whipping peasants.

Igor says, “So, my friend. Do you have a date tonight?”

“Ah yes, with the beautiful Petruschka.” Ivan replies, stroking his long moustache.

“Petruschka! She is so young she has no hair on her pooschka!”

“I know, but tonight she will.” Ivan says, grinning and stroking his moustache.


Tell me yours!

I grew up in a very conservative home. When I was about 10 (or so) an older neighborhood friend told me this joke (or some variation):

That night at the dinner table, I innocently told my folks that I had learned a new joke. They were not amused. And that was the last time I was allowed to hang out with that particular neighbor.

My father’s best friend told this one in my presence when I was about 8. It’s a visual joke so bear with me.

Why was Jesus cursified instead of being stoned to death?

So Catholics can do this (cross yourself) instead of this (hold your arms up in fron of your face and cringe.)

The classic 12 inch pianist one. It’s kind of long, so I’m declining to type it out :stuck_out_tongue:

For my dad’s 50th birthday, he got a golf shirt that said on the back “I made Linda Lovelace gag.”

I was 11 at the time. I knew that it was dirty, but it took me quite a while to figure out why it was dirty.

The FIRST? Probably the old “Me Chinese, me play joke, me make pee pee in your Coke” one.

Well, you didn’t expect the FIRST one to be really obscene, do you?

Now, if you only want jokes involving sex, well, the first ones I ever heard on that subject were ancient chestnuts (that I laughed at without really understanding) with the punchlines:

  1. “That’s not my belly button.” “And that ain’t my finger, either.”

  2. “I was playing with your rubber duckie, but it spit at me, so I bit it off.”

Say “Rubber balls and liquor”

What do you want for breakfast?
What do you want for lunch?
What do you want for supper?
What do you want to do to your girlfriend?


I had to play the straightman as my friend Scott asked the questions at some point in 3rd grade during recess. It was probably something he picked up from one of his older brothers. We thought it was funny, but I surely wasn’t the only one who thought “Wait a minute, girls don’t have balls do they?” Then I forgot it.

Years later I saw a sign for a bar that said “Liquor in Front, Poker in Rear” and that made me remember the joke above.

I’m pretty sure mine was the one about the kid named Deeper Deeper.

Liquor in Front, Poker in Rear – hysterical.

Guess I heard several of the above at an early stage. The one that stands out is when my best friend told me, that came from his dad, I think:

“Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?”
“Because his wife left him.”

It took me years to figure that out.

“What’s the difference between pussy and parsley?”

“Nobody eats parsley.”

  1. I was 10.

[poppa fish] I went swimming in the sea today and got sea sick[/poppa fish]
[momma fish] I went swimming in the lake and got “lake sick.”[/momma fish]
[baby fish] I went swimming down by the dam and got damn sick[/baby fish].

Hey! That was before cuss words were allowed in polite society.

I remember overhearing an eighth grader sing this when I was about 10:

“On top of old Smokey, all covered with snow,
I saw Annie Oakley take off all her clothes.
Along came Gene Autry and took off his vest,
And when he saw Annie, he took off the rest.”

Oh, my! Gail Davis. My first true love. I actually remember mast…er, uh, falling in love with her. :o

Something about putting a potato in your speedo to make yourself look huge, only this fellow put it in the back.

My first dirty jokes were seen at age 6, and were in book form: various editions of Truly Tasteless Jokes and a copy cat version purchased at a Bazaar held at the Catholic school I was attending at the time. (I was told years later that my dad, upon disbelief of finding such material at a church sponsored event, went up to the lady running the sale with book in hand and inquired of her, " 'Scuse me, ma’am, are these books good quality?" all the while making the book prominent in his hands. She replied back, without missing a beat, “Oh yes; they’re very good quality.” He bought it.)

Now, to determine which joke in either book is the first that I have seen is nearly impossible, as I don’t remember.

Oh, and before (or after) you make the assumption that I must have bad parents, the books were well hidden. I was a very nosy kid. And, I seem to have grown up rather morally straight, despite the books, because I was able to tell fact from fiction at that time. All the same, I’m still getting over that church bit. :smiley:

Don’t feel bad. I heard that joke in High School and it took me at least a couple weeks too.

I think mine was some dumb long story where the kid took turns taking baths with his parents and they told him stupid names for their genitals. Punchline: “Mommy! Turn on your headlights, Daddy is trying to park his car in your garage!”

::groan::

You too?

What’s big and gray and comes in buckets?

Elephants.
I didn’t get that for a very very long time, either.

Me, too. I was in about the 4th grade and didn’t get the balls part either. I could barely figure out the rest but I knew it was supposed to be dirty and that was all that mattered.

Funny that “rubber balls and liquor” has already been mentioned twice, cause that’s my first too (as far as I can remember… I don’t doubt that I heard some before then that went over my head), only I heard it as “rubber buns and liquor”. Makes more sense that way. Not that either version makes much sense at all.