I imagine it would be a lot like those CareerBuilder commercials with the chimpanzees. Only less productive. Nothing would ever get done as our servers would always crash and when those were working correctly we would still get nothing done because pets would be allowed, so there would be cats and dogs running amuck. The coffee would be great and the pot luck lunches would be to die for. We would have to be an international company with people working virtual around the globe. Our internet bill would be absurd, and our bathrooms would be split up into Toilet Paper Over the Top and Toilet Paper Down the Back. The closest local pub with trivia machines would be flooded by 5:00 with dopers every single day. IOW it would be the bestest place to work EVAR!
[QUOTE=kunilou]
“These 4th quarter projections don’t look so good.”
“Cite!”
[/QUOTE]
That’s what I was going to say. Which would be followed by a 4 hour discussion on the nature of capitalisim. Then lunch.
Where do I send my resume?
Before subscription there was five people including me who posted on the dope in my department and at least two lurkers.
We managed to get some work done though 
Tense
[QUOTE=Way Too Happy]
Just imagine the “101 practical and amusing uses for explosives” handbooks we could get to market! And cookbooks too!
[/QUOTE]
Not to mention the combined works: “101 amusing uses for the practical and explosive cookbook”! 
The cafeteria would probably kick ass…
Would we have to check our 1920’s Style Death Rays at the door?
There would be big arguments any time we sent out for pizza and had to tip (or stiff) the pizza delivery guy.
With my luck, I’d be stuck working with the few total dipsticks…
As the IT security guy, password resets will cost you.
After all, the name’s gotpasswords, not givespasswords! 
[QUOTE=Ludovic]
With my luck, I’d be stuck working with the few total dipsticks…
[/QUOTE]
Ha, that reminds me – this morning, I found a scrap of paper from my urologist’s office in my pants pocket. I hadn’t even looked at it, but it made me think of the Dope. It says:
A fair assessment, I think.
[QUOTE=Larry Mudd]
What with all the flirting, there’d be a lot of hot office sex. I know there’s a few of you that I’d totally bone.
[/QUOTE]
Very true, but that would only distract all of us for a week or two.
[QUOTE=Kotick]
Not to mention the combined works: “101 amusing uses for the practical and explosive cookbook”!
[/QUOTE]
Good thing this place has a handful of technical writers/editors. 
Maybe it’s best if we keep dopers Out of R&D
[QUOTE=Nava]
Hell, for the last three days my job has consisted of waiting for my bosses to come up with something for me to do. One of them thinks I’m hilarious: he’d given me five tasks and I finished them in five days (I went real slow, didn’t want to make people look bad)… apparently others take about three times as much and complain they’re overloaded. Oops. Sorry, ain’t been here long enough to know how slow should I go.
We’d need a huge kitchen for all those cooks to teach those of us who grew up with minimalist cooking or with no cooking at all.
[/QUOTE]
I’ve had jobs like that. In one job, I helped the receptionist type her mailing envelopes and answer phones, just for something to do when I’d done everything I had to do, and extra work from the others in my department. I was basically told after that to NOT go up and help her because it was bad for appearances when an executive assistant was in the front. Something about me being too big and important for that.
They told me I could dick around online instead. I spent a lot of time here.
Also: WOOHOO! SEX WITH LARRY ON LUNCHBREAKS!
It’s okay. His girlfriend doesn’t mind if we had sex. No, really, she said so.
[QUOTE=GingerOfTheNorth]
They told me I could dick around online instead. I spent a lot of time here.
[/QUOTE]
On my first day of the job, my boss encouraged me to surf online when I wasn’t busy. He said “there will be a lot of downtime”.
I love my job.
[QUOTE=GingerOfTheNorth]
Hey! Some of us can perform their day-to-day functions AND rack up huge post counts!
[/QUOTE]
Some people would be too busy doing yoga in the hallways to do any real work. But that’d be okay - it would part of the company health plan.
I suspect that the office walls would be plastered with posters of Kari Byron, Jan Smithers and Jewel Staite.
I’ll ask you to keep your eyes off MY Kari Byron poster thankyouverymuch.
Mmmm, Kari Byron posters.
[QUOTE=GingerOfTheNorth]
WOOHOO! SEX WITH LARRY ON LUNCHBREAKS!
[/QUOTE]
Fffft. Doesn’t my lunchbreak seem dreary, all of a sudden?
Waitaminute… is Weirddave safely assigned to the Tuktoyaktuk branch? He’s an awful lot bigger than I am. :eek: