So a week and a half ago, my 12 year-old son and I moved into a house with another single mom and her son, as a “shared housing”-type arrangement. I have since learned that she is somewhat flaky and, I don’t want to say crazy, but… I guess that remains to be seen.
Anyway, in between the time we met and agreed on the housing arrangement and the time we moved in, she went to the pound and got a new dog. This dog, a smallish lab mix, is very out of control and untrained. She* is* fucking crazy, no doubt about it. One of the problems she has is that if she gets out of the house, she runs and runs. Today was the fourth time in the last 10 days that we’ve lived here that she got out and I had to chase her down. Yesterday she got out (not my fault, thank Og!) and ran out onto a busy main road and caused an accident. This is nuts and I hate it.
I keep telling this woman that the dog HAS to get trained- that she can’t live like this, and we can’t live like this. It may sound like an over-reaction, but I am willing to call this whole thing off if this dog is going to stay untrained. She finally did put up a baby gate, so the dog can’t come into our side of the house and harass my cats, but whenever she’s not here, the dog sits by the gate and barks and whines at us. Especially late at night when we’re trying to sleep. It also chews everything in sight, jumps up on you whenever you’re near, and various other destructive and annoying things.
No, I am not going to train the dog myself, or pay to have it trained professionally. I will not take on this dog as my responsibility, but I would like to “encourage” my roomie to do so, since it is, you know, *her *dog. I do know that I am not willing to live like this. I don’t want to come across to her as a bitch, or overly demanding, yet my emotions are running pretty high about this.
I’d be more worried about how easy it would be to extract yourself from the situation, and less worried about the impression doing so would leave. If you decided you didn’t want to deal with it, how hard would it be for you to find another place? What kind of lease are you under?
As for the decision to move, I think you definitely need to give some kind of ultimatum before you walk out, but I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to do so. If I couldn’t keep my possessions safe, I couldn’t get a sound night’s sleep, and I had to deal with chasing after a runaway, all because of this one pet, I’d definitely want the problem fixed, or I’d try to get out. It sounds like the dog has already been made more of your responsibility than she should be.
While moving out is definitely a possibility, I’d like to leave it as a last resort. My body is just barely recovered from moving in- moving sucks hard. I haven’t signed any kind of lease with her, fortunately, so it is still an option. I’m really just wondering how to approach this with her so that she takes it seriously but doesn’t see me as being bitchy or unreasonable. We’re still in the “being overly nice” stage, as we just started this and don’t know each other very well.
If the woman is crazy (and she just might be), you aren’t going to be able to avoid her thinking you’re being unreasonable. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try, but there’s only so far you may be able to get with that.
You say you’ve told her the dog needs to be trained, etc., but you haven’t said what her reaction to that has been. Has she said she’ll do it, but she just hasn’t followed through? Has she been completely noncommittal? Does she respond at all? And are these face-to-face conversations, or are you guys trading notes? How oblivious is she to the way this dog is impacting your life?
I have talked to her about it numerous times, and I have gone to the library and brought her home DVDs on dog training, recommended books and websites, and obedience classes. She seems to agree that it’s what is needed, but doesn’t follow through. She claims to have fibromyalgia, and uses that as a reason that she can’t do things- but she doesn’t seem to have any problems going shopping, going out to eat, dating, etc. It’s really only work-type things that she can’t do. I can tell her all I want, but I can’t make her actually do anything.
That ain’t no dog, that’s the 4-legged version of the Mayhem guy from the Allstate commercials!
Honestly, I don’t think it’s bitchy or demanding to make an ultimatum that either SHE gets the dog trained ASAP or the deal’s off.
The dog has already caused one accident (can someone sue the owner of a dog that causes an accident? I’m sure some people would try) and I don’t feel that confident that a baby gate will stop the dog for long. Some of those things are pretty rickety and a decent-sized dog could probably knock it over or just jump right over it.
I think I’d go the ultimatum route, in that case. “Either start training the dog, or get rid of the dog, by X date, or I’m finding a new place to live.”
Getting a new dog without asking the other tenant, after the housing agreement was already worked out, was already kind of a douchey move, and then letting the dog run all over the place and jump on people and yap constantly is just…really not OK. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this. Hopefully she sees reason and does something about the dog’s behavior, and if not, I think you should probably start marshaling your energy for another move, as much as that sucks.
Okay, the “do this by x-date or we’ll seek other arrangements” sounds like a good idea. The big difference in our thinking about this seems to be that I find it unreasonable to expect the dog to never get out (it happens) and she seems to think that if the dog does get out, it’s the fault of whoever left the door or gate open. I’d much prefer the dog to be able to follow commands so that if she does get out, she doesn’t run like hell. She’s one of those mothers that, if their child is doing something wrong, just whines at them, like “Oh, no, little Jimmy, don’t do that…”, where I am more the type to train them not to do that in the first place.
Ohhh, lawdy, then she’ll probably end up being one of those dog owners who just drones “Fido? Stop. Stop it, Fido, don’t do that. Stop.” (repeat ad infinitum) as Fido is yapping its head off/ already six blocks down the street and accellerating/ mauling someone else’s shoe/book/small animal.
The situation with your new pet has continued to cause a lot of stress for me, my son and our pets. Additionally, the dog is also causing mayhem in the neighborhood. Right now, I don’t see any signs at all of the situation improving since the dog is neither being trained nor otherwise kept from wreaking havoc in our lives.
It is my hope that you’re able to take the steps necessary to get the dog trained so that we can all enjoy our home together. However, unless things change dramatically for the better by <insert date – I don’t think you’d want it to be later than the end of this month>, I’ll be seeking to live elsewhere."
well said, but I would also make it 100% clear that you are NOT going to train the dog for her in case she might be thinking that since you have found books, DVDs and whatnot, you’ll eventually start working on Psychodog just to save your own sanity.
Although I don’t see it ending well in any case, because even if the dog gets some kind of training I don’t see her as the type to keep up with the routine and discipline needed to keep an energetic dog under control.
Honestly it’s probably a self correcting problem. The dog is bound to run away/get hit in traffic at this rate. Very sad. It isn’t rocket science to teach a dog the recall command. If she is too lazy/ill/whatever to do even that, there is seriously no hope of teaching him not to bark/whine/chew. You should really just start looking elsewhere. As for what to say, a simple “I didn’t know that an untrained dog would be part of our living arrangement and I don’t find it acceptable any longer. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Good luck with your next roommate.”
I wouldn’t even bring that up. IME, saying you’re not going to do something is the first step towards doing it. “Fine, I’ll teach the dog to sit, but after that, you have to take over…” And if it turns out that roomie is the manipulative type she’ll be well aware of this.
It’s disheartening to see so many people saying to move out. I’m the type to want to fix things instead of giving up. However, I do know that I can’t fix this on my own, and I can’t force her to fix it, either.
