What would you do in this social situation - if anything?

In My Humble Opinion
1

(Warning, this is fairly trivial…)

I work at a backpacker’s hostel, which is a pretty relaxed place in terms of staff/guest relations. There’s one guy who’s around a lot as either a repeat guest or a friend of another staff member, let’s call him C. C is an English man who’s now got permanent residency in Australia. He’s in his late thirties and has a good job but has a partying, bachelor-life-loving attitude. Very animated, extroverted guy. Fairly dominating personality.

I get along fine with C, but he rubs me the wrong way sometimes. I have recently noticed that he comments on my appearance every. single. time. he sees me at the hostel. I’ve got a fairly thin build and he’ll, for instance, explain to me on one day that, while he thinks I’m attractive, I would be just thismuch hotter if I put on just a few kilos in the right places, or tell me on another day how great I’m looking, or he will make conversation about how I look tired (which is fine if I am tired, somewhat insulting if I’m not), or insist accusingly that I’ve lost weight since he last saw me.

I know that everybody forms opinions about the appearance of their acquaintances, but I don’t need or enjoy his running commentary on me. I’m probably being too sensitive, but I feel like there’s a sort of assumption in his constant appraisal that I am trying, just by my existence as a female, to appear attractive to him (or the generic man on the street) and that I will be pleased to hear when I am doing the job, or receptive to hearing what I need to do to improve myself. I’d like to just gently suggest that he keep his thoughts to himself.

The thing about C, though, is that he’s not the sort of guy to take a subtle hint. To illustrate: another semi-issue I have with him is that he *always *asks me to discount his drinks, on the premise that he deserves it as a ‘regular’, I guess. Though I never say yes when he asks me, sometimes he will just purposefully give me the wrong change and try to sail off with a wink and a, “That’s alright isn’t it?” Since I’m the one who needs to have authority, that pisses me off - it’s like he can’t help himself from trying to get a few dollars off on principle, when he can definitely afford the correct money. So, anyway, on this matter I have tried embarrassing him into cutting out this annoying behaviour by teasing him about how he is so stingy, but this goes right over his head - all he will do is pretend to graciously ‘understand’ that the only reason I’m not giving him discount is that my boss might found out, and do the same thing next time I see him. So, subtle cues are out. Also, I’ve tried treating him coolly but he’ll just quiz me on what’s wrong in my life if I don’t respond to his animated conversation with a similar enthusiasm.

Now, if he were just some random guy passing through town, I would let it go. If I had completely written him off as a douche, I would laugh to myself. If he were a good friend, I would call him on it. As it is, we’re in a sort of weird grey area where, while I don’t really care for him as a friend, he’s not a bad guy and, since he’s around all the time (and has a personality that fills the room) it would be strange for us to stop getting along.

I can envisage a situation where, by saying something that’s firm enough to actually get through to him, my reaction will seem disproprortionate and it will become *my *social faux-pas. I kind of want to avoid a situation where all that happens is that he “understandingly forgives me” for what he sees as my bad day/PMS/whatever, or where he cackles and takes the piss out of it forever after.

I’m coming at this from someone who is generally too passive and I want to avoid just smiling politely through something that irritates me. On the other hand, the obvious reaction in this case might be to do just that. Doper women, what would you do/say in similar situation? Men, what do you think about this guy’s behaviour? How should I best conduct myself?

2

Why is he commenting on your hotness?

a) is this some sort of gay hostel?

b) I was under the impression that hostels usually had an upper age limit. Like 26 and under.

c) I’d probably just tell him I wasn’t gay.

3

I reread your post and the first time I missed where you said you worked at the hostel. I was thinking you were a fellow traveler who ran into this guy alot.

Since you work there, I guess just grin and bear it. I worked in bars when I was younger, and a certain amount of BS from customers just goes with the territory. Unless he becomes threatening or touches you or something.

Do you get tips? If so, act flattered and see if you can milk him for a bigger tip.

4

OP’s a woman, Quintas.

I think you absolutely should call him on it. I wouldn’t even give him the courtesy of being polite, but that’s up to you.

5

Yeah. that’s what I get for reading too fast. I kind of missed the entire point, didn’t I? :smack:

6

Next time he asks for a drink say “I’m sorry sir, we only serve adults” and pour someone else a schooner of Tooheys.

7

Tell your supervisor that this guy is always trying to shortchange you, and ask if other servers have had the same problem. Also ask if he is making other workers uncomfortable with his comments. While the man isn’t a fullblown asshat, yet, he’s working his way up to it. No customer has the right to make someone uncomfortable, and someone who is constantly trying to cheat the server is not a good customer.

Now, if you were another guest at the hostel, you could just tell this man that you don’t appreciate his comments on your appearance, especially since he does it every time he sees you. He might think that he’s just making small talk, and he doesn’t realize that this is aggravating to you.

If he is a friend of a staff member, and you know which member it is, you could also have a little discussion with that staffer.

8

Oh, and next time he orders a drink from you, tell him that he has to pay first, because he seems to be prone to errors in his math.

9

Or pour him half a beer, wink and say, “that’s all right, isn’t it?”

No easy advice on the comments, though, I’m afraid. If you want him to knock it off, you probably have to tell him to knock it off.

10

Maybe he’s interested in you, and that’s his way of flirting? I can’t see why he would be interested in your appearance, or stop to comment on it if he just saw you as an employee. And the other stuff is just his way of joking with you and trying to have more interaction with you.

Have you tried saying something joking to him about his comments on your appearance? What if you said, well, if I gained weight, would you be interested? (You have to say this in a really light-hearted way or it won’t work because if he does say he’s interested, you’ll have to be able to shrug it off quickly) Or even, why are you so interested in my appearance? What would he say?

There’s something about his bravado that would make me want to call his bluff. But maybe that’s not your style.

On preview: Exactly the opposite thing that Lynn Bodoni suggested. Joking around might not seem professional, so maybe not the right way to go. But reporting him would make it seem to be really important to you.

11

YES. Oh, it would be so great if you could do this!

I would not joke around with him at all. Jokes can be construed as being flirty and further encourage the behavior. Jokes can also make you seem meek and easy (not, you know, “easy”, but easy to pick on) so, if you’re just going to take it, where’s his incentive to stop? Obviously he gets some enjoyment out of it.

Something as simple as “I do not appreciate [behavior; commenting on your appearance, the whole cheap drink thing, whatever]. Please stop.” is firm without making it seem like a bigger deal than it is and may be enough for him. If it’s not, then there’s no way any reaction from you (short of, like, killing him or something) can be seen as disproportionate or a faux pas. You ask him to stop once and he doesn’t, all bets are off as far as I’m concerned.

P.S. I don’t think he’s interested in you. Even if he is, from your description of his interaction with you, he’s not worth your interest at all.

12

Hey, you’re Australian, I thought you were the one nationality that could get away with being really blunt without getting your block knocked off.:smiley:

But seriously, this guy is a twat and deserves whatever shit you want to give him, and needs bluntness to get the message across. I doubt you’re the only server who he tries to short change, or who gets inappropriate comments - he probably does that to everyone.

Next time he comments on your appearance or short changes you, I think you’d be well within your rights to say ‘You know what, C, I’m sure you think you’re being funny, but you’re actually behaving like a dickhead, and I don’t appreciate it. Knock it off’. Even better if you can do this loudly in a busy room - public humiliation is what this guy needs and deserves. But be warned, whatever you say, he’s going to react (‘ooh who’s got PMT today?’) if only to disguise his embarrassment. Stick to your guns and don’t get drawn into banter. Whatever he says back to you (like 'what’s the matter? Been dumped by your boyfriend?) just look at him with utter contempt and walk away.

13

Each time he says something about appearence simply reply:

“Thank you for your suggestion <compliment> <idea>, while I’m touched by your concern, I’m very happy with myself, just the way I am.”

Then change the subject.

As for his trying to get a discount, what you have to do is redirect him.

For instance,

“I would love to give you a discount on your drinks, after all you are a regular, but you know how the company is. I tell you what, instead of asking me, why don’t I call Joan (or whoever your boss is) over and you can take it up with her. After all no point asking me, when I can’t do anything to help you. You need to go straight to the top”

And everytime he asks redirect him. If he asks again, “Now, now, we’ve been through this before, I can’t help you out, even though I’d like to. After all if I gave you a discount, I could lose my job, you wouldn’t want that would you. You need to speak to Joan to see about discounted drinks. Shall I get her?”

When dealing with customers you never say “NO,” because it becomes a challenge. What you want to do is show him you appreciate his business and redirect him. You want to decline him but don’t stop. Once he has been declined you then offer him choices to get his request filled. This way it takes the onus off of you and puts it back to the customer to get solved. And by giving him a choice, and not just saying, “no,” he feels empowered.

14

Idiots this dense won’t pick up on subtle clues unless you come right out and tell him what you really think. Since this is a work - customer situation I’m afraid you’ll either have to get someone else to serve him or just grin and bare it. You can keep coversation to a minimum, yes or no repsonses. If he tries to engage you in conversation ask him anything else ? Then walk away. You might have to do this several hundred times. But eventually he’ll get the hint.

I worked as a bartender in a restaurant for 4 years and put up with alot of this type of behaviour.

15

Never tried it myself, but I’ve seen quite a few guys hit on girls by deliberately annoying them. Isn’t it some kind of reverse psychology thingie some believe that by putting down an otherwise attractive woman on some feature of hers, that’ll perk her interest in you and make her remember you as not just another schmuck worshiping her for how perfectly attractive she is, and she’ll then go chasing after you? Maybe he read that somewhere.

16

He sounds like a socially dysfunctional adult. Find out if he’s trying to get comp’t drinks from the other employees and go from there.

17

I realise customer service in the US puts the rest of the world to shame, but this guy is English, which means he’s used to going to pubs where the landlord is always right, and badly behaved customers get thrown out on their ear. Coming from this pub culture, he wouldn’t be the least bit shocked to be told to fuck off by bar staff if he’s taking the piss. Pussy foot around and it will just give him a license to carry on behaving like a prat. I’ve served behind the bar in enough English pubs and met enough customers like him to realise that being nice gets you nowhere. You have to behave like a school mistress.

18

He thinks he’s flattering you, and he thinks it will make you soft enough to giving him cheap drinks. He sounds kind of hamhanded at it, actually. But he’s probably a little full of himself so he can’t see it.

Everytime he asks for a discount tell him he can keep asking, all he wants, the but answer isn’t going to change, sorry.

If he shorted me, for a round, one day, he’d not get another, until he paid up and tipped generously for the first, even if it’s the next day, I’m afraid. I say that as someone who spent many years making a living as a bartender.

19

Personally, the next time he makes an appearance comment I would say “Dude - shut the fuck up about my appearance - you sound like my mother.” but I would say it in a friendly, jokey way. (With a smile.)

Then, next time he says something just roll your eyes and say 'Ok mom, whatever you say." I suggest this 'cus I agree it sounds like he’s trying to hit on you, and sounding like your mother is no way to do it.

As for underpaying - well, you’ve had lots of good suggestions. If he gives you the wrong $$ and winks like it’s OK just tell him he owes you $X more and be done with it.

20

Rhetorical question about the thread title: “social situation?”