This is the kind of letter you write for your own purposes - to clarify your thoughts and feelings, to express things you withheld but want to bring to the surface, to imagine laying it out to the person who was stupid/hurtful/draining/whatever. You do not send it.
If you have already sent it, and still have any regard for the recipient, send an apology and a humble offer to meet for coffee or lunch (as in, “I’d really like to see you if you can forgive me for doing such a thoughtless and unkind thing”).
If you have not sent it, by all means make sure it stays that way. Send a return greeting and an offer to meet. The explanation to offer for long-time-no-see is that your life got very busy, and you’d felt a bit drifted apart. As and if the situation/conversation warrants, you can throw a little more detail in, but don’t go overboard, and try your best to be kind.
That’s the type of letter your send when your intention is to insult and hurt someone. Otherwise you wouldn’t have written back in the first place unless it was to brag about the black belt, cruise, and baaabbyyy (psst. that’s only thrilling to you).
You must have a tiny degree of social skills, did you really think she’d give you a call? I’m sort of surprised that you’d even post that letter regardless of what a PITA she was. Wow, this is the second stream of consciousness thread this week that I’m absolutely dumbfounded about.
I’ll stray just a little bit from the other comments thus far. It’s hard to imagine not being very hurt if I were the recipient of this letter. However, my reaction would depend a lot on the background of our friendship and why we were drawn to one another to begin with. The extreme optimist in me says that if your friend really was the type of person you describe, perhaps she’s grown introspective in the years since she’s married and would recognize some of the traits you describe. If not, you probably don’t want anything to do with her anyway based on your tone, so there’s no loss for you there.
For the record, I have/had a friend like this, too. It felt as though I was nothing but a giant ear for her. Every conversation was a complete downer. She had some bad luck, compounded that by making poor decisions for herself, and it seemed like she wanted nothing more than to drag others down with her own misery. I slowly started ignoring phone calls and email, and ultimately lost touch with her for a number of years. So I do have some understanding of where you’re coming from. However, in the time since we’ve reconnected, I’ve never had the urge to express those feelings to her. She’s changed a bit, so our friendship is much more mutual, I feel, but if she hadn’t, I would have just vanished again. I don’t really understand the urge you had to actually cut your friend down like that.
But despite what everyone has said, I still hope you both get something positive out of it.
Good advice, in my opinion. I can understand why you said those things. I too have sometimes had the urge to try to “explain” myself after a relationship has gone sour (more with men than with other women, which is arguably worse since men rarely find relationship talk as interesting as women do ). There are times when honesty isn’t the best policy, and in many cases it is counterproductive to try to analyze the past. Far better to leave it behind and start fresh. Since this woman clearly misses your friendship, maybe she will be willing to overlook the tone of this letter if you make an attempt to apologize right away.
Well, I don’t have much new to add; like everyone else, I’d be hurt and confused by a letter like that. I really don’t know where you’d go from there - I don’t think you’ll be hearing from this person again.
Did you send it? Or are you simply thinking about sending it?
If you sent it, I agree with the sentiment that by the third paragraph I’d ball it up, and toss it out.
I really, really think a lot of things you said about her, her relationships and how they were affecting you don’t need to be said when trying to reconnect.
A simple - “I’m sorry this response to your Christmas card is so delayed. I had a lot of reasons for it, but they just don’t seem to be valid, now. Maybe we can get back together and see what goes from there? Here’s my contact info. Hope to hear from you soon.”
If she’s changed as much as you seem to believe, she doesn’t need to hear, now (if ever) how you reacted to the person she used to be. If she hasn’t changed, you can find out with a simple meeting.
The details in that letter are things I wouldn’t expect to hear anywhere but in a major, intense counselling session. And for a casual friend, it’s just not the situation you should be facing, I don’t think.
I was composing a reply based on the thought that you were contemplating it.
Now I see that you did in fact send it.
My ex once received a similar letter from her cousin, a childhood friend. It took them years and years to patch up their relationship again. I suspect had they not been cousins, they never would have.
I find the original letter quite scary - both offensive and at great length.
And all that emotional outpouringcame from someone just sending you a Xmas card. :eek:
Only a truly desperate and sad person would want to get back in social contact with someone who is so meaninglessly cruel and distant towards their feelings.
For both your sakes, I hope you do not get a response.
You can’t say mean, hurtful things then jump into “Let’s do lunch!” as if you just didn’t shit all over her.
I wouldn’t send it. If she’s a drama queen who wants to gripe about her life all the time, she’s best left in the past. And I doubt she’d be receptive to being your friend given what you said anyway.
I don’t think the letter is that bad. Harsh, but honest. You’re basically just saying, “I still want to leave the door open for contact, but only if you change these specific behaviors toward me.” I don’t think that’s an unreasonable demand. Now that you’ve laid it all out, the ball’s in their court; they can choose to resume contact with you on your terms, or not. No harm no foul.
I don’t know if there’s any polite and non-offensive way to say “I don’t want to be your friend anymore unless you change your behavior.” But sometimes it needs to be said. At least you’re being honest and direct.
I can’t believe you sent a typed and poorly printed letter. Stuff like that needs to be handwritten. It’s bad enough the the letter says really harsh things but having it typed just makes it colder.
That is, honest to God, one of the meanest things I’ve ever read. In my entire life. You should be ashamed of yourself. I’m actually embarassed for you and I feel awful for the recipient who had to read your hateful, nasty words.
What would I think if I got a letter like this? I’d think “Wow, this is really fucking nasty. What a snatch.”
I was so furious by the time I got to the bottom of the letter, so ready to tell the writer exactly what I thought, then…wow. It was the OP. The wind is out of my sails.
After 3 years of silence? Nah- that’s being passive-aggressive and assholey.
I was feeling a little sick when I first read the letter and feeling sorry for the OP that someone would send her such a nasty missive. Then I saw that it was from her-- oh!
That’s fair. After three years, the letter-receiver probably understood that the OP didn’t want to be their friend anymore, even if they didn’t know the reasons. If it was me I most likely would have just dropped and forgotten this person after the initial break in contact.
Best advice I can think of: It was good to write it & get it out, but you don’t want to mail it. Its very honest, but it won’t be recieved well. Perhaps you could write, thank her for her card, apologize for the late response, and offer to do lunch sometime. Its nice, light, and you can always smack her between the eyes with the "Sledge Hammer O’ Truth"® later.
). There are times when honesty isn’t the best policy, and in many cases it is counterproductive to try to analyze the past. Far better to leave it behind and start fresh. Since this woman clearly misses your friendship, maybe she will be willing to overlook the tone of this letter if you make an attempt to apologize right away.