I don’t think there’s anyone here who doesn’t know someone like that. There are people that are so draining and so much work to be around you just want to pull your hair out. Some people are seriously toxic and you should stay away from them for your own good.
But come on, either don’t return the call or just send a Christmas card and sign your name. Don’t go out of your way 3-4 years later to bring up past drama that’s going to hurt someone.
Opal’s right. It’s like telling this person that maybe you’ll allow them to visit you provided they don’t open their mouth and just talk about how wonderful your life is. If you want to feel superior play a computer game and kill aliens, but don’t take it out on someone that for some strange reason still values their friendship with you.
You are an asshole. Doesn’t matter if you didn’t send it; you obviously have to be an asshole at heart to write such a thing. If you want the person out of your life, don’t contact them. If you want to reconnect, this ain’t going to do it. You wrote this solely for selfish reasons. You cut someone out of your life because you didn’t feel compelled to confront them at the time. And now, in response to the friendly gesture of receiving a Christmas card, you finally feel compelled to dress her down? Really shitty.
I know the OP, a little. I also know plenty of people like her friend. I personally think the friend could use a little dose of reality.
I don’t think the letter that bad and sometimes you need to be honest. I think it’s stupid to hide things all the time and the only other option was to drop it. Perhaps the OP thinks there’s a chance of salvaging the friendship and doesn’t want to let it go that easily. But it’s not going to be salvaged until this stuff is talked over. It probably should be done in person…but I can see why the OP would have put it in a letter.
Oh come on. Why would someone need the OP’s dose of reality? Who’s to say she’s so wonderful to be around and is without flaws?
This person isn’t waiting by the mailbox hoping she somehow measures up. She called once and sent a card three years ago. Unless she lives on top of a mountain and there aren’t any other people around, move on if you don’t like her. Find a friend on Prozac that thinks happy thoughts and forget about this person.
My thoughts more or less mirror the other posters’ Additionally, I may be a prude, but:
The whole thing seems really breezy for such a serious topic (personal opinion, but I would never include “yadda, yadda, yadda” in a letter when I was about to tell ther person what a jerk and idiot they were - of course, I’d never tell someone something like that in a written communication of any sort, either).
If I ever received a letter that said that a “friend” was sick of my bitching or included other cuss words related to me or my actions when I thought I was just chatting with a friend, I’d immediately throw it out and write that person off. Yes, I expect my friends to tell me when I’m being annoying, but a true friend would pull me aside at the time of the incident(s) or shortly thereafter and tell me to my face. And if they want me to listen, they won’t swear at me.
And, like others said, what’s the point of writing someone a letter like this unless you’re doing it just to show off? I’ve been very tempted respond with something like this when an ex who was a huge jerk contacted me via e-mail hoping to rekindle a friendship; however, it’s something I was only tempted to do and never did. It’s basically saying, “What a great life I have without you! I bet your life is still as crappy as it ever was. Well, gotta run. Byeee!”
What’s the point? You don’t really seem to want to get in touch with her other than to tell her how great your life is. Do you truly want to be friends with her again (which will probably entail listening to some of her “bitching”) or do you just want to say I’m great, you’re not, nya nya?
It does sort of have a “You suck and probably still do, but look how *fantastic * I am since I ditched you. Wanna do lunch so I can tell you some more?”
I had a friend who wore me out with the drama, and I gradually just grew away from her. We still exchange xmas cards and a phone call or two a year, but we are not close the way we used to be. And that’s as it should be. I don’t need to hate her or hurt her to put the appropriate distance between us. We remain old friends who care about each other, but we are simply not the people we once were and can maintain our friendship in its current state. A letter like the OP’s, especially after the long gap, is not appropriate.
See, but this is totally the wrong way to give it. If someone calls you up and wants you to listen to them bitch for an hour, then you stop them after 15 minutes and tell them you want to talk about something else. You don’t keep a little mental tally and dump on them 3 years later.
If the friend had done something really incredible, like, say, sleep with her boyfriend or something, I might say some sort of drama is justified. But from what I see the, the friend was self-centered and annoying and OP decided she didn’t like her anymore (and OP is moving on to a new life anyhow…). Perfectly fine to leave the friendship, but then don’t come back later and stomp on the person.
For the sake of her current friends and family, I really hope the OP sees why this was such the wrong way to handle things. Honestly, I’m not sure who the drama queen is here.
The most difficult messages to deliver and/or receive deserve the richest form of communication: face-to-face. If you can’t manage to do it in person, the next best thing is a phone call. To TYPE a letter and mail it with this kind of unsolicited, harshly critical content is unkind at best, intentionally malicious at worst.
OP, you acknowledge within the letter you wrote that you were too chickenshit to say all this to her face. You even know precisely why it was easier to write a letter: you get to say your piece of mind but spare yourself the “awkwardness” witnessing and responding to her reaction.
It’s too late for this episode, but please keep this in mind for future encounters you dread: if the idea of saying something to a person’s face makes you feel awkward, it means one of two things. Either it’s something you must tell them in person, or it’s something you must never tell them. Ain’t no middle ground. Never, ever put this kind of thing in a letter (typed, no less!) again. Either discuss it in person, or don’t discuss it at all.
Most indeed. I used to have a box not so cleverly labeled “Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send” for just that purpose. It’s amazing the insight one can gain when the blood pressure drops and the vitriol has boiled away.
To the OP, if you really want her back in your life then be humble and ask her for some time to talk. If you want to rehash the things about her that made you feel the friendship was toxic then maybe you need to reevaluate why you wrote that letter at all. Your words are not conducive, at all, to a reconcilliation.
I don’t know you and don’t want to suggest or assume that you’re self-centered but your words in the letter could easily paint that picture.
Here are some rules I’ve come to live by. They’ve greatly improved my life.
Unsolicited advice is never appreciated.
You have to let people be where they are going to be. Sometimes people have to fuck things up on their own to start getting things right.
You shouldn’t feel compelled to enable people to fuck up, but it’s rewarding to help people when they’re trying to set things right.
The majority of how a person treats me has little to do with me. It has to do with what they went through that day, or that month, or that year. I have no control over this, and I’ll probably never know what it is anyway, so it’s not worthwile to fret over it.
Some part of how people treat me is under my control. People can’t take advantage of me unless I let them.
Now, I know I’m violating Rule #1 here, and so it probably won’t do any good, but in the end, this person has to make their own decisions about how to lead their life and you have to make yours. You might want to think about whether your frustration comes from actual hurt she has caused you or whether it comes from an inability to control her actions. If it’s the latter, you’ll give yourself a lot of peace by just letting her make her own mistakes.
Man, whatever happened to the Christmas amnesty with regard to family/friends with whom you’ve lost contact? You know, someone may have lost touch with you for years and years, but if they reach out at Christmastime, you at least give them the benefit of the doubt for maudlin sentimentality (or drunkenness) and accept their card or gift graciously. I’m not even Christian, but I’d try to do that.
You think you’re being funny, but I made the mistake of saying this to someone a few weeks ago. He proceeded to get defensive and hostile and gave me a 1/2 hour lecture about how his advice was always appreciated. Thus, proving my point and getting me stuck in an infinite loop at the same time.
Maybe, but not now; not from the OP. The time to confront the friend would have been years ago. It could even have been constructive at the time. This letter just says, “Yeah, thanks for thinking of me this Christmas… it reminds me to tell you that I’ve been avoiding you because I don’t like you very much. Sorry for taking so long to tell you, what with you trying to stay in touch and all, but I thought you should know that you’re a fool for making the effort… Hey, how about lunch? I’ve got some other stuff I’d like to say to you.”