Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think that the perfect guy/girl, What you won’t change threads are making the teeming millions look a tad bit selfish–all this I want I want, I need I need, deal with it. … type attitudes.
Of course, a relationship is about satisfying wants and needs–if someone dosen’t provide anything you like, why bother? But at the same time, relationships are about compromise. Everybody has acknowledged that there are things about themselves that are not open to negotiation–my question is, what non-negotiable terms can you accept if it means you get someone who makes you happy?
A few of mine:
Bad music. I can learn to not comment on whatevwer CD is playing.
Flirting. I can live with a flirt.
Lousy sex. Luckily, my sex life is rather good, and I enjoy it, but if my SO lost all interest in sex tomorrow I would be willling to take care of myself, so to speak–I can’t provide my own snuggling and conversation.
Bad moods. I can put up with bad moods as long as they are not directed at me–as long as all you want is to be left alone, and you are up front about it.
Horrible family. I am willing to tolerate families that do things very, um, differently, than my own.
Lack of little gestures. I have my romantic lapses, but I am willing to live with a man who dosn’t remember birthdays or anniversieries
Obsessive gaming. I can play second fiddle to a computer.
Incompatable friends. I want a man to like my friends, I want to like his. But if our social groups can’t blend, that is okay.
Weak sense of neatness and personal hygene. I don’t mind slobs.
So what are some of y’alls? We’ve established that dopers have high expectations in a relationship–what makes them worth it?
I wasn’t really planning on posting here. But, with the exceptions of flirting and hygene, you just described the last person i was interested in. Having been through that, and making all those compromises, i’m not sure i’d want to do it again. Relationships are much easier when there’s so much less to deal with.
Still, i think i’d be willing to give it another shot. It’d be a struggle though.
I’m not hung up on looks; if he has everything else I want, then who cares what he looks like, as long as he’s clean and neat?
Your numbers 4 and 7 I can also live with. I agree with the sentiments of number 3, if not the wording: I won’t live with lousy sex (why should anyone have to?), but could live with no sex at all.
I don’t care at all about the things a lot of women seem to need, like romance and gifts, and since I’m a flirt it would be terribly hypocritical of me to care if he flirted.
Its almost all negotiable. Really. Any one thing or several minor things can be adjusted for. However, I will attempt to put together a list (by no means complete) of Stuff I’ll deal with:
-Musical preferance
-Religious orientation
-Family dynamics
-Looks
-Knowledge base (if you can’t teach me Diff Eq. or quote Plato, as long as there is smarts somewhere in there, I’ll live)
-Inability to cook
-Wierd obsessive hobbies (gaming, flirting, collecting, whatever)
Actually, a whole bunch of whatever. Odd little things are endearing and special people get a whole bunch of slack.
Falcon, shame on you! Get a grip, Honey. I’ve been with some losers who made me wish I was single. Anything is NOT better than nothing. Thank your lucky stars that you’ve never had to find out the hard way. With all the boozers, wife beaters and child molesters, to say nothing of the addicts and felons…I shudder to think.
I guess everyone has had to compromise in a relationship - that is kinda what it is all about - accepting someone for who the are not what you want them to be.
Other than a few base ideals that a man I date must have (or else the attraction wouldn’t be there and I wouldn’t be interested in dating him anyway) such as sense of humour, gentleness, common sense and politeness etc I can live with quite a lot in moderation. I think it would be a damn side harder to find someone willing to live with all my little foibles!! grins
Things I can live with:
Not talking/blocking the TV during that important sports match.
The toilet seat being left up - it doesn’t take me any more effort to put it down than it does him
The inevitable “night out with the boys” (gives me a great chance to catch up with the girls)
Difficult family - mine’s probably not that easy to deal with either
Flirting (I do it - why shouldn’t he? - if you trust each other you know you will be going home with them - don’t choke them)
Looks - they definately aren’t what makes a person - as long as they are content (or try to be) in their looks so will I be.
Well, I could put up with most anything. This is just what I WON’T Compromise on.
Socks: Do not wear socks in my bed.
Sports: You wanna spend the weekend with me? You better be prepared to watch football and basketball AND cheer for “my” team.
The Beatles: I don’t care if you don’t like them. You don’t even have ot listen to them. But you do not say one thing to me when I plan a “Beatles” weekend (During the off-season of course), complete with Beatles themed food.
Fortunately, I found a guy who can deal with my three conditions.
I can’t think of any single thing that I wouldn’t be willing to overlook under the right circumstances, with the possible exception of a history of killing boyfriends. (I mean, I may be weird, but I ain’t crazy.)
Let’s see - some of the things I DO tolerate in my very own perfect mate:
Drinking too much
Smoking
Meat-eating
Messiness bordering on uncleanliness
A complete refusal to deal with animal excrement or vomit (and a general avoidance of child excrement and vomit)
Liking Rush and other bands with annoying singers
Getting so distracted by work that nothing else exists for hours or even days at a time
Needing a lot of alone time (but not more than I need, certainly)
Constantly wanting sex (oh, wait - this is a trait I really, really LIKE!)
I don’t know who said it, but someone once told me that when you love someone, you don’t do it in spite of their faults. When all is said and done, you love someone because of their faults, along with everything else about them. Maybe it’s true - I can’t imagine him any different than he is. Well, maybe I wouldn’t complain about him quitting the drinking and smoking, but aside from that…
Looks are not a big issue - weight, hair loss, graying - these do not a perfect match make.
Moods - as long as they don’t degrade into physical or psychological violence.
Food quirks - I can avert my gaze as you dip your asparagus in cocktail sauce.
In fact, I’d say the only REAL relationship killers are violence and ignorance.
As I’ve mentioned in several previous posts, I am seeking the female type known as “Queen of the Cool Girls.” General personality traits are:
More of a best friend than a lover
Equally at ease one-one-one or hanging out with groups of friends
Generally forgiving of my Silicon Alley lifestyle
Always wants to hang out and go to parties
For this I am willing to put up with almost anything, including bad sex, occasional bad hair days, fighting, bitchiness, incompatible musical tastes, or almost anything mentioned in this thread.
