I read that married women want more non-sexual physical contact and connection in their relationships. I also read men want more sex.
The cuddling… well, I don’t have a problem with it as an activity, if a woman feels there’s something missing from her relationship. Many women appear to trade their circle of childhood friends for a single-minded devotion to doing everything with her husband, and if she has, I think it would be healthy for her to consider cultivating other friendships. If this means group cuddling with girlfriends and she insists it isn’t sexual… well, diff’rent strokes and all that. If she wants more cuddling from her man, though, she should communicate this to him.
As a group activity, cuddling with men to deliberately provoke a reaction? Why not call it a cock-tease party and then men will know what they’re (not) getting into? Plus, the whole Innocent Young Prepubescent Slumber Party trappings add a double scoop of creepy on top.
Of course sex is mixed up in there somewhere. The idea isn’t “Sex will never ever ever cross anyone’s mind at this party” it is “The primary focus of this is not sex, and if you do want to have sex go somewhere else to do it.” I’m sure plenty of people do hook up afterwards. And I’m sure some guys come home with blue balls. That sort of thing happens. But I don’t think this automatically leads to women being deluded cockteasees and men as sexed crazed maniacs. Maybe a real commited relationship is better. Not all of us have that. So it’s not your cup of tea, so you wouldn’t have fun. Whats the big deal. This obviously isn’t for everyone in society, but for people who do enjoy it…what’s the harm?
I never said the cuddle party was the cure to all of life’s problems. But it’s a lot safer than most any other coping device.
Where’s the harm in truth in advertising? If it’s a Sex-Free Orgy or a Test Drive A New Man party or a I Feel Clingy party or a Relive Your Childhood party or a Community Hug party or whatever, call it that. Don’t draw in men with a provocative name and insist that it doesn’t mean what you absolutely know men think it means. Why not call it what it is?
No matter what they tell you, their primary focus is ALWAYS sex. This is the first I’ve ever heard of these creepy little frottage parties but I can guarantee you that every guy sees them as 100% sexual. That goes triple for the teenagers.
For all that “Guys want nothing but sex” is a cliché in our culture, some girls just refuse to believe that sex is a constant thought and guiding aspiration for men.
I’ve been to a cuddle party. It wasn’t for teenagers, we’re all adults. It was fun. It was just a group of folks in some comfy clothes hanging out on the floor together (well, a futon matress.) No wild-monkey-sex or even groping occurred. Most of the people there were already partnered so it wasn’t a desperate attempt at getting some kind of touch. It was mostly people in subcultures that encourage non-sexual touch - lot of contact improvisation folk there.
'Course my room-mates and I used to pull their queen-sized mattress out onto the living-room floor so we could have sleep-overs when I was in college, and that was basically the same thing without the nomenclature. I like snuggling!
I must admit that I find the idea of a “cuddle party” interesting. I agree with those who have said that we have few opportunities for nonsexual touching in our culture. Personally, I’m not much of a toucher, but sometimes I would like to be able to hug, or massage, or physically play with other people. And no, it wouldn’t only as a sex substitute; sometimes I feel like hugging my same-sex (male) friends, but most of my friends are not very high on this so I very rarely do it.
However, I’m not sure if I’d go to a cuddle party. As I said, the idea is interesting, but I might be too intimidated to touch people whom I don’t even know.
Also, I must respond to Excalibre and Diogenes regarding men and sex. Yes, we like sex and we think about it often. However, I’m sure you’ll agree that we think about other things too. If I were to go to a cuddle party and play with girls, surely I would think about sex and have some sort of physical reaction. But I don’t think this and the fact that it would not lead to sex would prevent me from enjoying the event (if, of course, I don’t feel too intimidated, as I said earlier). To me, it’s not entirely different from nudism. I would like to try nudism some day, but I’m afraid that it would sexually arouse me, and that this would not be well-seen among the other people present. But if some naturist group assures me that arousal is common among first-timers, and it’s okay and I shouldn’t feel ashamed of it, well, I guess that quite soon I would start enjoying this non-sexual nude play.
Um, let’s see, what would you call a sex-free orgy? With clothes on? Wait, I know…a Cuddle Party!
It’s not like “cuddle party” is some sort of horribly deceptive term. It’s a party. There’s cuddling. Seems like a pretty accurate label.
Some have used the logic that guys are always thinking about sex, so cuddle parties necessarily focus on sex. But if guys are always thinking about sex, then any interaction between guys and gals must be about sex. Right? I’m just taking your reasoning to its logical conclusion. If the guys wanting to hook up with the gals afterwards taints the proceedings, then we’re goingn to have to start frowning upon all manner of mixed-gender events. Heck, I hear sometimes people even meet their partners at…CHURCH! I’m appalled that church is actually all about sex.
For all the guys who are concerned that they’d get blue balls, or that the women might tease them…have you ever gone to see a stripper? The look-but-don’t-touch sort that wants to get you as aroused as possible? The men who go to strip clubs are willing to pay money for that sort of thing. So what the heck is wrong with going to a party where you might end up aroused? I’d think there are a lot of guys who’d pay extra if the women felt like being cock teases.
I’m not too keen on the stereotype that’s being blithely thrown around here that men hate cuddling. I like cuddling. It’s a wonderful thing. Obviously, I like it best with a partner that I love, but is it somehow inherently wrong to like cuddling with someone who you aren’t in love with?
I can absolutely see why one wouldn’t want to send their teenage daughter to a cuddle party.
And I can see why an adults cuddle-party is a little unusual.
But a lot of the arguments being offered against them are surprisingly flimsy. It’s as if a strange behaviour has been discovered and you want to find some pretense to denigrate it. Very weird, for the Dope.
Well said. If I went to such a party, yeah, I probably would think about sex. But then again, I also think about sex at the grocery store, and in class, and (as Sengkelat mentioned) in church, and when I’m alone. For that matter, I also think about video games, good books, and five-dimensional polarizations of transverse tensor waves in all of those places, and would probably think of them at a cuddle party, too. So?
Frankly, I probably wouldn’t accept a random invitation to a cuddle party, since I probably wouldn’t be comfortable cuddling with a bunch of strangers. Then again, I probably wouldn’t go to a Superbowl party with a bunch of strangers, either. But if some folks are more gregarious than I, and do feel comfortable partying (of whatever sort) with strangers, well, why is that a problem?
As a guy who repeatedly frustrated his (now ex-) girlfriends by not wanting to go from “cuddled” to “laid” on schedule, I think that this either doesn’t go for all guys or that I’m really good at self-deception. I rather like cuddling; it’s like Sex Lite, a way of physically expressing affection that carries less weight than sex. You can cuddle with someone you find wonderfully attractive but haven’t connected well enough with to actually go have sex. As an eventuality, sex is still perfectly desirable, but I don’t think that cuddling is necessarily a means to that end.
On the other hand, the root of that is really an agreement with your larger point: there’s just no substitute for real human connection, no substitute for actually being that comfortable and that connected with someone. So while I like cuddling just fine without sex or even the possibility of it, the cuddle party seems just… hollow.
For me it’s like this. The people I want to cuddle, I cuddle. They are a limited number of friends who I trust plus my immediate family.I do not want to cuddle any others unless I fancied them in a sexual way.
In fact, I hate it when people I hardly know come up and hug me (sorry about the generalisation but they are usually a type of new agey/hippy person). I think it is the falseness of the “We’re so close and such good friends” that gets me, rather than getting upset over it being covertly sexual. If I didn’t like and/or hardly knew the person a cuddle would be at best a tangle of limbs, at the worst uncomfortable.
You’ve yet to explain just what these relationships are, or why they conform to any sense of rules or logic, considering that the types of relationships that we now consider conservative, regular, and normative in general didn’t even exist eighty years ago.
The thing most of you are missing is this: these aren’t sexual because any sexual guy would avoid them like the plague.
I guaran-goddamn-tee you the guys who would show up at these are those guys who always had a lot of girl friends. That’s girl friends. Not girlfriends. The guys who would chat with women, cuddle with a woman without being facilitated, etc. etc. I guess the previous “cuddle bitches” sort of sums it up.
I never knew if those guys were asexual or gay. I don’t have a problem with them. I’m just saying these are the kinds of guys who would go hang out in flannel PJs with Teddy bears.
I always thought most of them were emotionally stunted, and that’s who I think these cuddle parties are for. I also suspect the women at these are somewhat stunted. If you have to meet people at a function that requires a facilitator. . .what’s that say?
Seriously, could anyone see someone who WASN’T a virgin going to one of these?
Yeah. Next a bunch of guys will hold a “Bitch Party” where they show off their dog pictures. Who cares how women interpret the word?
Okay, I exaggerate here, but to say that “cuddling” has absolutely no sexual connotations at all for either men or women is very disingenuous, especially as the defense seems to be “it’s not sexual, but sex sometimes happens anyway.” I like clear goals and boundaries spelled out well in advance, as I believe do most men.
The name “Cuddling Only Party” would be an improvement.
What world do you live in where this doesn’t happen? How long has it taken you to reach this conclusion?
Nearly every conversation I have with a woman is freighted with dozens of gender-related rules: where I’m allowed to look so she doesn’t feel uncomfortable, what I’m allowed to talk about so she isn’t grossed out, what jokes I can make so I don’t offend her, where and when and how I can physically touch her so it she doesn’t feel pawed, and putting up with her rolling eyes and comments like, “Isn’t it just like a guy to say that?” Gender is one of the biggest elephants in the room when it comes to human interaction, I think, and I’m not going to simply pretend it isn’t there.
Once. (No, and not for 20 minutes back in 1960.) I was bored. She looked bored. I don’t like being manipulated, you see, so I would look upon strippers as much the same activity as close-quarters co-ed cuddling. Why put myself through that when I know it’s not going anywhere?
In fact, from what I read, a great many men aren’t really attracted to women who try to manipulate them with their sexuality. Everybody says this isn’t what cuddle parties are for, but it sure the hell is a golden opportunity to put one’s feet to the fire.
I like it too … with someone I’m dating. It’s fun while it lasts, and I know it can go farther, but if it doesn’t, there’s always tomorrow. Some stranger I’m not close to, where it can’t and won’t go anywhere, where she gets the closeness she wants out of me and I get nothing? Naw, count me out. I don’t want to be used.
If there is a point to a cuddling party that I do understand, it’s an opportunity for unattached women to feel as if they can approach a guy they like without fear of rejection (isn’t that one of the rules, if you ask for a hug the other person must say yes?). The idea of women initiating physical flirtation with men is the real taboo here, and one which the atmosphere of innocent cuddling nicely disposes of.
Fish, did you even bother to read the website linked to several times in this thread, which has actual information in it? It doesn’t appear so.
“Cuddle Party” is itself a trademark, with it’s own rules and systems of training facilitators who stop all sexual “vibes”, talking, joking, dry humping or fingering. Maybe someone out there is claiming to run or throw a cudling party which is really a rub fest or an orgy, but it isn’t A Cuddle Party.
No, sex never happens at a Cuddle Party. Never. It may happen *after *a cuddle party, if two (or more) people consent to it, but it will not happen at the Cuddle Party. Period. There’s more of a chance of sex happening in a bar toilet or in the last pew of the church than actually at the Cuddle Party.
Well, then you should like Cuddle Parties, dammit! How much clearer about boundaries can you get?:
No. That is absolutely antithetical to the actual rules.