I don’t think it was about sex. We met in November & didn’t even have sex until March. We’ve only slept together a total of 3 or 4 times and I’m 2 hrs away. That’s a lot of clingy behavior for just sex and to be honest the sex isn’t even great lol. He gets winded easy and has trouble finishing :smack: . Again, may be because I’m in it I just don’t think it’s about sex.
not saying this would have made a difference but my girlfriends think my confession to him was funky. It wasn’t that bad was it? (I got drunk last night and sent him this )
"Look I’m drunk right now so I need to get this off my chest. Look I’ve to be honest here because this is just getting to be too much. Like I said I really do feel like your actions aren’t matching your words. I know you said you were drunk when you said all those things but I also know when people are drunk they usually speak how they feel.
I could be wrong but I feel like we’re both interested in each other but I feel as though you don’t truly believe that I am, hence the wishy washy behavior. To be honest I felt like you told me not to get attached because you’re attached and so you’re trying to put it on me. Well that’s not that the case because I feel the same. I know you don’t want to be vulnerable bc neither do I hate bc I hate it that’s why I didn’t want to come over last week week bc I was so pissed with you.
I know you said you wanted to see where this goes and honestly so do I.
our communication sucks big old balls but whatever but I know pride is a mofo especially for me so whatever you have to say and you dont feel the same timeI’ll take for face value and not try to analyze anymore and I’ll just be done really this time"
But I turned him down so many times for sex lol so I don’t think he got what he wanted. All that “smooth” talking he did, at least I thought I mentioned in the post, more often than not I told him no.
That’s so interesting that you said that. I finally broke down and talked to my mother. She said he seems to be controlling, possessive, and even went as far as to say he’s a little obsessed.
This past Friday he calls me drunk saying how he missed me, how it feels like we haven’t seen each other in months and asked why haven’t we talked in two weeks and wanted to know if I was with that guy that I went on a date with a few weeks before (he looked into my phone and saw we had set up a date). Then he says “when you lay next to me it just feels right”, “I just want to hold you in my arms as I fall asleep” (he said that drunk to me 2 weeks before too) “I just miss talking to you, we don’t even have to have sex I just want to talk” and how he needed to see me and how we have this connection and that he wanted me to come over to talk about us and our situation. Finally he said he just wants to see where this goes with us. The next day he texted me saying he was drunk and I said ok and he asked if I was mad, I said nope and the he asked what he said to me the night before and I replied oh nothing much then he calls me to ask again if I was mad and why I was being so short.
So that night I get drunk and text him and said he really pisses me off, to which he replies ok. Then he calls me the next day and I explain to him he’s just so wishy washy and I’m just over the situation and told him what he said when he was drunk, (how he said he missed me and wanted to see me) but not everything. He said he said that because he was being an a**hole. I guess he’s disregarding the things he had said when he called drunk.
What the heck? lol.
Side note this isn’t the first time, weeks ago drunk when he found out about that other guy, “I’m getting pissed you know you’re my girl”“I just want to go to church with you” ( he ended up asking me to go when he was sober lol then asked if I liked the other guy, if I slept with him, did I “blow him” I said no, then he said he didn’t believe me. Then he proceeded to ask how many dates I went on with him, I said I don’t know, then asked the average amount of dates we went on. What the heck?
So after that I finally broke down and told him how I felt. Granted what I said was more so attacking/accusatory telling him about his behavior but any ways he said “thanks for being honest I don’t feel the same”. I was in complete shock by his response and so was everyone else.
I finally broke down and told my mother everything about this guy from start to finish (what I posted was only a very small portion of our relationship) and she pretty much said what you said.
She said he’s controlling even took it as far as saying he’s obsessed with me and is crazy. Also said his “I don’t feel the same way” was crap, it’s just another way to control and brought up Pavlov’s dog experiment (where he took the treat away from the dog in order to gain more control because the dog would be more inclined to be more obedient to get the treat again).
My mother said he’ll be back and sing a different tune because again he seems to be obsessed and because he’s controlling.
The thing is I live two hours away and he would damn near beg to see me and be so clingy and needy and when I don’t act the way he wanted he goes to the extreme and tries to strike back aka when he kept begging me to stay and I said no I’m going to hang out with another guy, bam a week later “I don’t want you to get attached”. Last month he saw me out at bar he kept calling me while I was there even though he could see me but wouldn’t approach me to talk but then later on, still hadn’t spoken to me but he kept touching me and messing with my hair and holding on to me. Then he texted me hello right when he was standing next me -_-.
Afterwards I was talking to a guy and he came up between us “she’s not going to call you bro she’s coming home with me” I said no. Walked away and started to talk to another guy he comes up and says “I’m going to knock him out I’m going to kill him” then he started begging again for me to come home with him, I kept saying no he starts saying “I thought we were working on being exclusive! I thought we were working on being exclusive! Just come home with me, just come home with me, your friend can stay on the couch or she can have my bed just come home with me! (granted he was drunk but still). Went home and he kept calling me and I ignored him.
Next morning texted me “forget you”,I ignored that too, then hours later he asked me to come over and I said no. A week later after not talking he says “we should stop hanging out because you’re going to want more this won’t be anything”<<<—Striking back like my mother had mentioned when I don’t act like he wants aka the controlling obsessive behavior. Looking into my phone, asking who I’m talking to, and he loves to ask if other guys are black or white (he’s white and I’m black) and he told me we should take pictures of us together to send it to my ex, said I should give him oral so that when I would go see the other guy he could “taste him” when he and I kissed (that’s just sick).
Not too long ago he kept blowing me with texts and phone calls and kept asking where I was so that he could come get me because he wanted to see me but I was with my ex so I couldn’t pick. So the next day he tells me he went out of town and when I finally see him he was like "where were you the other night? I kept asking where you were so that I could come get you, you were probably on some other dude’s d**k. So I asked where he went out of town to he said he just made that up because he didn’t want to see me because I pissed him off when I didn’t let him know where to come pick me up.
Just last week he asked me if I slept with this other guy, did I “blow him” to which I said no, and he said I don’t believe you, then asked if I “jacked him off”, how many dates me and this guy went on, then wanted to know the average number of dates me and this guy went on, what the heck?.
Not every time but he would ask who I am texting, like right after we had sex for the first time I was texting my best friend “Are you texting your ex?”, “No I’m not” “Yes you are, I know Phil (my ex) starts with the letter ‘P’ and I saw the letter ‘P’ in your phone” I again said, “No”, “Fine then show me” I showed him, “No go back to the last 5 minutes of people you were texting” then I told him to get out of my phone. After that he suggested that he and I take a picture together and send it to your ex. Days earlier he told me to stop talking about my ex and to “get off his fcking dck” and then told me how he took a screenshot of my Facebook profile picture to his friend who is also is white and apparently doesn’t find black girls attractive. The Facebook thing isn’t bad just weird, at least to me. Sometimes when I would get a phone call I would step out of the room take the call and I would come back and he would ask “Who is that?” “Is he black or white?”. Not to mention the “you’re my girl” comment and he got mad when he found out the other guy I had a date with was white “I thought I was your only white guy. I bet he can’t lift as much as me” Can he do xyz like me? Can he do xyz too?
And all of this but we’re not together and I live hours away and have only slept together 3 or 4 times after making him wait 6 months. I’m moving to his city soon which he knows and he even suggested I look into his area and mother is afraid for me to spend time with him because she said he’ll behavior will only get worse because he’s doing all this and we’re not even together or live in the same city.
This isn’t everything this ^^^^ has just been the last two months lol.
Not sure if she’s being a worry wart mother or if she’s right…
When people show you who they are, it’s your job to see. Me, I can’t stand clingy or controlling, and the second a guy shows any inclination of that shit, I’m outta there. Nobody checks my phone without permission or gets mad if I’m snapchatting someone. Especially not when we’re not even in a relationship.
I hadn’t. He asked me those set of questions minus how many dates we went on, at least 3 times. But even two months into know me he found out I had a date, he asked me and didn’t want to lie and that’s when he asked, “is he black? how long have you known him? where are you guys going? have had sex with him? how black is he?”. This was months before we even got physical, we were just kissing the first 5 months.
He’s been asking questions like this from the get go.
I guess I am even though I didn’t ask lol. Do you think my mother is right about him being obsessed and controlling? Or is she being the typical mother?
This guy is trouble and your mother is smart. Stay away from him. He may not want to commit to you but he is crazy jealous and doesn’t want you with anybody else. Get away before he gets more obsessed. Tell him it’s over then don’t call, don’t respond to his texts and for goodness sake, don’t see him anymore.
The “typical mother” is usually right. Sad to say, I know. And, from what you have written, there is no doubt this guy is “being obsessed and controlling.” While that may seem flattering, it’s not a good thing. Relationships don’t have to be hard, full of drama, or make you wonder if they guy is psycho. A good healthy friendship is not hard to identify.
Huh. Sounds a little like a situation I just went through with someone I “met” on the SDMB. Actually, she sent me a message a couple of months back (almost to the day) and it turned out to be one of my ex-girlfriends (actually, she was my very first girlfriend - told me that she recognized my writing style after all these years from all the letters I sent her back then. Quite astonishing, really). Got to the point where neither of us seemed to be able to figure out just what the other person wanted and she pretty much gave me the boot just today (which in a way I suppose is “fair” since I’m the one who did the dumping 20+ years ago). One difference: no drunkenness on our parts (at least none that either of us was willing to divulge to the other - :p)! In a way I’m bummed that she ended it but in another I figure it’s just as well since it - in all likelihood - was never going to develop into anything more than it already was: a cyberspace “relationship.” (BTW - I’m married these days and she’s with someone that she’s been with for something like 12 years) Life goes on…
May be because I’m in it I don’t just don’t see it. If he’s really this controlling clingy obsessed person then why reject me? Wouldn’t he be all over that instead? Lol
From all that you’ve written this guy is very odd and unpredictable. There’s no way this ends with you and him happy together; any decision other than “eliminate all contact with him” will just lead to more drama and trouble. If you’re fine with drama and trouble, continue interacting with him. If you want a chance at peace and stability, stop wasting your time with him and look for other folks to spend time with.
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