I think your sister is** highly immoral**, and what she did cannot be excused in any way. She kept a man’s tools, which he needed for his livelihood? She kept the tools of his trade! That’s wrong any way you slice it. If there isn’t a law forbidding such things, there ought to be. There also ought to be stiff penalties for refusing to relinquish them or “losing” them too. Say fines equal to the cost of replacement, plus punitive damages/community service? If they had children, then she was stupid in her actions as well since she affected his ability to make a living and support his children. She potentially took food from her children’s mouths to be vindictive. Dumb. This is just my opinion. YMMV.
It went without saying that my statements about a person’s “tools of the trade” go across the gender lines. Whatever the gender of the person who does such a thing, it’s wrong, and stupid in the case of divorces involving children.
I’m aware that this may be a whoosh of some flavor, nonetheless…
I agree with you 100%. It was vindictive, spiteful and unnecessary. He’s an electrician so they weren’t necessary for his livelihood. Even then, I’m sure she wouldn’t have given them to him. She can’t weld, and he was forced to replace them.
My point to Heckity, however, is that these type things are quite common. She was hurt, and very angry. It was senseless. And…there was another woman involved.
Of course, that doesn’t make it right.
It would have been equally senseless for that woman to try and talk to my sister, engage her in some rational debate or enjoin herself as part of the divorce. (I don’t know how active this woman was…) It would only have made my sister even more unreasonable. She was already irrational due to hurt and resentment.
One needs to be realistic about things like this. If there is any environment where people will leave behind their good senses, it’s in a divorce. I highly doubt Heckity’s presence—no matter how good intentioned–is helping. And given their exchange in court I’d bet good money her presence is making this woman see red–making it worse.
IMO, it’s best to chill out after a divorce and get your house in order–spiritually, mentally, emotionally, professionally, and financially. I don’t this guy loves Heckity, but he’s bankrupting her. I’ll take her word that they have a healthy relationship, but being on the brink of financial ruin can’t be too cool. And I sure wouldn’t want to be in any relationship where my ex-wife has any appreciable share of the dinner table banter. This woman–who appears to be not his ex-wife but his wife—is Topic One.
I say, tell Mr. Right you’ll be around after all the dust settles. In the meantime, get healthy—in every way. We’ll start flush–not digging out of a hole, or in the middle of someone else’s fight.
This is just my opinion. YMMV.
This is what was bugging me about the email you sent, Heckity. The opposite of love is not hate - it’s indifference. I don’t think you’ll be over all of this drama until you put it behind you, and sending spiteful emails isn’t going to get you there. Forgetting her, making a new life with your new husband, making concrete plans to get past all this and carrying them out - that’s what will get you there.
Interesting point, featherlou and one I’d made myself to my mate about his children. As long as they “hate” him, there is hope. It’s indifference that banishes all hope.
Knowing that I wouldn’t confront her in any other fora, but email, at least let me make the points I felt needed making. I don’t hate her. But I am not enitriely indifferent either. I have work to do.
I hate the decision that was made of course. The system only works where there is fairness. In this case there was nothing fair about one member of the economic union walking away with absolutely nothing after contributing the lion’s share over 20 years. A system that claims it desires fairness and mandates truth and then turns its back to both is not a working system.
We will get through this.
I appreciate all the opinions expressed here. Some comments have caught me up short and I have spent time reflecting. I’m comfortable from my end that I was not immoral, unethical, or cavalier in my actions. Thanks to all
Rereading my posts, I would like to apologize to you. There are different ways to see this—and different ways of viewing what is “moral.” I did not mean to impose my views on you. That was out of line.
For myself, I place an individual and societal value to the institution of marriage, as well as to the time I spent with my wife–‘the wife of my youth.’ My own religious beliefs do not make any [practical] distinction between a happily married person and an unhappily married person. They are both married—and since the marriage arrangement was conceived and blessed by God, I do not feel it is appropriate [for me] to get in between two married persons. (as in dating a married woman) (Even if they are headed for divorce, separated and living totally different lives)
And so I feel compelled to respect my wife, and the time we spent together, even if we are going through a divorce. For me, I think it would give her a sense of diminished value (even if she wanted the divorce) and disrespect her by taking up with someone else before we concluded our life/affairs. She would likely feel rejected, or discarded.
Similarly, I feel compelled to respect God by not trifling with the marriage arrangement. Even if the logic is that the marriage is terminal anyway—my presence makes it easier for her to find the exit, and takes her attention from other more important issues.
There is time for healing, and there is time to find new love. From my own experience, I was in no [healthy] position to date in the immediate wake of my divorce, although I couldn’t see it at the time. I took the pointd advice from someone I trusted and waited (in my case 3 years) before dating again. I am so thankful I did. I’m not anxious or needy, and as happy and healthy as I’ve ever been. It’s clear that others have had success, and one poster found their true love after 3 months. There is no universal answer.
You are obviously a true believer and willing to fight for someone you love and believe in. Best wishes for both of you.