Here’s another vote for cheap whiskey and blues tunes.
Howling at the moon helps, too.
Grieving is a process; there’s no way to speed it up & get over with it.
& I happen to like cheap whiskey & blues tunes.
A friend of mine decided to help another friend (‘Brent’) get over being dumped by taking him to a strip bar. The second dancer up looked just like Brent’s ex-girlfriend.
Oops.
Time.
Holly’s rubber-band suggestion can be a pretty good one if you’re consistent with it, and if you’re prone to losing yourself inside your head. A variant is biting your thumb, which has the benefit of being able to be disguised as a yawn. Some internal daydream states just are not good habits to get into; and a short sharp (but non-injuring) shock can be the best way to snap out of those destructive memes right quick. And over a consistent few days of it, their frequency will decrease.
That doesn’t help the heart heal any faster, mind you–what it does is help train away destructive memes from eating at the wound and making it fester and get all infected and grody.
Do things, and don’t just sit around. Exercise. Clean the place up, don’t let entropy take it too far. Go see movies alone, read more. Try to sleep and eat regularly.
Pain is neither some precious jewel to be treasured and get dramatic about; nor is it something horrible and foreign to want out out out. Pain’s normal. Feel it, and let it go.
Louislane138, let’s hope this ain’t baseball, what with the fast food job and all you don’t need another strike.
Sports helps me. As a jogger, those really bad down times can be translated into pushing your body a few extra miles. I tend to reach moments of clarity when running and it helps lock away demons like a broken heart for a few days any way. Plus, the soreness afterward can be blamed on the jerk that broke your heart.
My father’s advice was to picture the significant other constipated on the toilet. He swore that edited out all the romanticism.
I’m not sure this is the greatest advice. Maybe it’ll work for some people, but I’d suggest trying to simply think about that person less (although I know it’s very hard, there seem to be constant visual cues everwhere you look). Constantly bringing the faults of that person to mind is only likely to leave you bitter about the whole thing when some time in the future you may be able to recall the good times, albeit tinged with a little sadness. Relationships start and relationships end, it’s a fact, and it’s not necessarily true that one party was ‘guilty’ and one innocent. Hopefully after a few days or weeks, you’ll find that although immediately after the break up you think about your ex ten million times a day, it will lessen to the point where you’ll wake up one day and think ‘Result: didn’t think about him/her yesterday’.
Android, I think the poster to whom you were referring, was commenting about the (and I am quoting a dear friend here) “Remembering Only The Happy Times” Phase, in which the following thought runs through your head “he was the best, everything was nice, I’ll never meet anyone like that again and WHY did it have to end???” After a bit you will start to recall his or her faults, not the least of which is non-appreciation of yourself.
Anyway, I was dumped January by a SO of 5 years. Not only that, he got involved with one of my oldest college friends before dumping me. So, now I’m out one long term boyfriend and 1 old friend. 2 heainous heartbreaks that go bad together.
I:
1)Went on vacation. geting outta town and having fun in a non-destructive manner will remind you that there IS still fun in the universe. You will also, upon your return, have something to talk about other than the dumping. 
2)Throw a party. When you split with someone, there’ big ol’ chunks of time available that used to be occupied with the SO. I invited 30 of my friends, and some colleagues I hardly knew and served fancy martha-stewart-esque snacks, and drinky-drink cocktails. Planning, cooking, etc took all of my free time for a whole week. I also ended the night up 5 bottles of wine
3)Do stuff. Don’t be isolated. Join some organized activity (yoga classes, guitar lessons, teaching kids to read or watever) that ensures you spend at least 1 night of every week not moping. Excercise. You’ll look better and the endorphin highs will make you feel better. Be nice to yourself.
Good luck.
When I was in this plight, yoga worked for me. Reprogram your neural circuits with a positive new imprint. I’m serious.
The last time I got my heart broken (I have since had it removed and keep it in a jar by my bed), I had just bought some roses for the chick who cracked my pumper.
I took the roses and hung them upside down with a string (I thought about making it a noose, but decided against it) from my closet door. Every day that passed, the roses dried a little bit more. It was a visual indication of how much time had passed. By the time the roses were all dried up, I was pretty much over her.
If someone ever removes my heart from the jar, puts it back into my cold barren chest, and then breaks it, I’ll try this technique again.
One thing to think about is this: As long as you are with the wrong person, that’s one more day you don’t get to be with the right one.
In any case, good luck on your quest, and feel better!
Heembo
Oh she hasn’t come back yet, she must be feeling much better.
Here is a topic I can probably claim some expertise in, although I have no idea if personal experience translates.
Anyhow, despite android’s well-taken reservations, I’ve found it useful to write down a list of the things that I didn’t like about the person. And I kept it handy. It helped me when I started idealizing our past. Naturally I knew those aren’t his only qualities, and in the fullness of time I could remember the good and the bad without pain. But for the short-term, I found it useful to be reminded that he always told those bigoted jokes. Or picked his nose too much. Or was a crappy cook. Or didn’t play a musical instrument. Whatever.
Give yourself some Wallow In Misery Time, if you need it. I read “How to Survive the Loss of A Love” after my first horribly painful breakup and cried over ever single page. Then I got sick of crying, and I was less likely to do it.
In other breakups, I’ve taken an opposite approach: Avoided romantic books, sad movies, and Hallmark commercials.
Take lots of walks, or some other form of exercise. Make a mixed tape of songs about being strong, about being wronged, and listen to that when you walk.
I might get flamed for this, but I also found it helpful to do a little rebounding. Nothing like a throwaway one-night-stand make-out session with some skanky guy in a bar to remind myself that yes, others find me attractive (never mind the beergoggles) and my ex does not have the last word on my social life. Don’t do this with someone you like or care about or whose feelings might be hurt. And for god’s sake, don’t have sex with a stranger unless you know that sits okay with you (and in any case, NOT UNPROTECTED). Flirting, maybe with a little smooching, even leaving the scene with a good hickey (woo-hoo1), was usually enough for me to get the lame reassurance I needed at the time. I also had a few ex-boyfriends that were okay with playing this role without being insulted.
Was that comment supposed to add something useful, handy? She started the thread yesterday and replied to it once already. I’m quite sure one day didn’t cure her heartache and chances are she has a life off the boards that might occupy some of her time.
To loislane: give yourself time and most of all, try to keep your mind active and involved. Read, go out with friends, go to a movie, window shop, whatever. It isn’t an instant “happy pill” but it staves off the temptation to brood. The more positive things you can use to occupy your mind the better because they crowd out the second-guessing while you heal.
Good luck and wishing you comfort,
Veb
Lots of good ideas here. Here’s what I usually do -
I usually lean on close friends who can sit and listen. Not just to slam the person who did me wrong, or try to get me to ‘snap out of it’.
I wait for it to rain, then I head for the beach. It’s the most lonesome (and some say depressing) set-up. But it’s where I’m most comfortable. I realise I can be okay on my own.
I try to write about how I feel. It’s my form of release.
I stare at the stars, count my blessings. Think about how life probably sucks bigger for someone else.
I pray. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason.
I try to help someone else in need. Helps me get my mind off myself for a bit.
I listen to The Smiths, if only to feel sorry for myself. Then realise Morrissey can be such a depressing git, and I’m bigger than all of this crap.
One kickass post-breakup song I’ve learned to love is ‘Yes’ by McAlmont & Butler…
“Yes I do feel better…I feel well enough to tell you what you can do with what you’ve got to offer”
loislane, I hope you find something to help you get better. Best of luck.
Works for me.
Peace,
mangeorge
Oh, I don’t think handy meant any harm. Thanks though. Thanks for all of your help. Especially the part about removing all the things that reminded me off him. I have done one destructive thing, however…I took his sunglasses that he left here and threw them against the wall, and after deciding that them being bent wasn’t enough, I took them out to the drive way and crushed them beneath my doc martens…nothing like the sound of expensive sunglasses being ground into concrete by acid-proof rubber.
And about having a life outside of the boards…not really. When I met him (Matt), I was in the middle of being left out of the moving plans that my then roomates and best friends were devising. So, my heart was already broken from my friends (they found a house that they loved and since it wasn’t on the bus line and since I don’t have a car, instead of trying to find a different place or even just giving me rides every now and then they just flat out said “you’re going to have to find another place” I tried to remain friends with them, but they just kept snubbing me. [also, I hear that they have all turned against one another and do nothing but fight, do drugs and collect eviction notices…HA]) Also, I’m really REALLY shy, so making friends isn’t easy. Getting dates isn’t really a problem, I imagine it wouldn’t be if I tried, anyway. I get hit on on a daily basis…I sick of it. Why doesn’t someone come up with a new line to tell a girl that they think she’s cute other than “You’re fly, girl”? Although one charming guy did say, “you know, ever since I frist saw I thought you were pretty”, I must admit, I liked that one…but he had disguting wax/dirt/dead skin cell buildup in his ears. I mean, this buildup looked like scabs in his ears. I thought that it might just be in one ear…no its in both. Not in the canal, I can overlook that, but in the top folds of his ears, it was so nasty that I literally started to gag…but after swallowing really hard a few times, I supressed any retching or vomiting. And don’t say I’m being to nitpicky…hygiene is very important.
I see Matt at least every other day, we’re both theatre majors so he’s always in the theatre building.
Its really hard to try and hate someone like Matt, he’s outgoing and funny and has just a genuine soul. So, hopefully when I return next semester, we’ll be friends.
I’m trying to stay busy and not mull over him, finals are next week, so that’ll keep me occupied.
But I do miss him very much. I’ve never had a broken heart…usually I’m on the other end of the breakup, now I know what it feels like, and I feel like I want to call every guy I’ve dumped (well, the meager three) and apologize. Nah–they were such assholes, they diserve the grief…or does anything with a soul diserve this?
I just can’t wait until the semester is over so I can go home and get stoned and play board games with my 16 year old sister for three months. I really miss that kid sister of mine sometimes…especially now.
Two things, a pieceof philosophy and theother an action you probably WOULDN’T want to try. S
I went through an ugly, messy, hair-pulling, venomous divorce a few years ago. Went around looking like my dog died for months until an old British lady pulled me off to one side and told me to take a trip to Asia and run amok for a few weeks. I did, and it worked fine. Mucho sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. Anyway, that helped but what finally fixed me was something I read that seemed so appropriate to my situation:
You’re going to get over this and you know it. Why not do it now?
Anyway, hope one of those helps.
Testy.
If I may say so, lois (pardon my first-name basis), you seem to be much better already. You’ve reached an important milestone in that you can talk about your problems articulately.
For anyone who may doubt, allow me to compare your second post
with your latest post
I think it’s clear that there is an improvement going on here.
Keep your chin up, lois.
I just keep repeating the following to myself: if he didn’t love me the way I needed him to, then he isn’t the man I thought he was. In theory, this stellar egocentric logic should work, but I still feel like a piece of doo-doo. However, I honestly think it is helping a little bit. At least I’m beginning to lose respect for him.
Here is what NOT to do: listen to sappy love songs with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s watching Gone With the Wind. TRUST me. Jagged Little Pill by Alanis is a fairly good chick-break up album.
For me, hanging out with my girlfriends helped a LOT. They knew where I was, knew who he was, knew what I was going through. And they helped. We painted toe nails and watched teen movies, and made fun of Molly Ringwold. I’m sure your sister can help with this aspect.
I also HIGHLY suggest a variation of Sarah’s museum idea: go on a solo adventure. If you have a car, drive it to a city you’ve never been and stay with friends. If you don’t, take a bus and explore. But putting yourself in a new city, where nothing reminds you of your time with him will help you realise who you are and how strong you are. Good luck.
Listen to Roger Miller. No, seriously. After a while you sort of start to like it. And it’s hard to be grumpy listening to “You Can’t Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd.”
…
Well, it worked for me.
Testy has delivered the correct answer. That is the best and quickest way.
That is great advice, I thought about that statement as I was trying to sleep last night. I thought I was completely better…but then I woke up this afternoon and felt rotten, lonely, sad, unattractive, and just missing him all over again.
I’ve done nothing all day but smoke and cry. Sigh When will this hell be over?