So he says, “You know what I want-- unscrew it and pass it up here!”
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Until I realised he was a fan of mew words.
Its easy. I’m an ex-tractor fan.
and then I knew… this was the work of a surreal killer.
He should have quit when he was a head.
“I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
“Hell, no it’s not rigged. My wife won three times last week!”
(borrowed from Arthur C. Clarke)
… one star-mangled spanner.
It has to want to change.
They just sit around hoping it’ll come back on.
One to screw it in, and one to screw it up.
Unity.
One to change it, and two to argue about whether the new one is as good as the original.
That’s a hardware problem.
399 to blow up the ship from shame.
One, or two if its a heavy bulb
One to change it and one to stab the other in the back and take all of the credit.
How many can you afford?
One, plus or minus 0.0000000001.
none of your damn business.
That information is available on a need to know basis only.
None… they screw in hot tubs.
Fish.
…And the bear said, “For what we are about to receive, Oh Lord, make us truly grateful.”
No, Ole, those are for the wake.
…And if He sees His shadow we get six more weeks of winter.
…if this is New York, think what Decorah must be like.
How about I drag her over to Elm Street?
“Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a refrigerator…”
“Senor,” the waiter explains, “the bull does not always lose.”
“P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”
“Now, where’s the young lady with the sore tooth?”
You can’t unscrew a pregnant lady.
It doesn’t heal em, but it sure as hell keeps you from lickin’ em!
She could only be charged with a misdeweiner.
one to hold the bulb, and one to smoke dope until the room starts to spin
“…and so there I was, with my thumb up a leopard’s arse!”
“I dunno,” said the Invisible Man, “but my butt’s killin’ me.”
“You didn’t come here to hunt, did you?”
“Next time, put the potato in the front.”
“What did you want, a miracle?”
“I’m tho thore I can’t thtand up!”
“What else should I think?!? How would you feel if your only visitor for 9 months was some prick that hit you in the head and threw up on you!?!”
"And one duck turns to the other and sais, “what do I look like, a toaster?”
And the farmer points at her and says, “That’s one!”
Regards,
Shodan
PS - cazzle, that is my favorite joke of all time.
“Death good…But first, a little Chi-Chi!”
“So I screwed her twice and pulled her hair!”
Now where’s that Eskimo woman I gotta wrestle?
Noooo, he thinks he’s Tiger Woods! (love that one)
“The gun was loaded with blanks!” she said. “So I had to beat him to death with the chair leg!”
and then the man said, “that’s no gorilla, that’s my wife!”